My Daughter's Hawaii Trip: A Journey of Normalization and Growth

My Daughter's Hawaii Trip

My daughter recently traveled to Hawaii after completing the grueling two-day BAR exam. This exam is not about drinking at a bar; it’s the one that qualifies individuals to practice law in our country, ensuring that all people are safe, secure, and entitled to due process. What an achievement!

The Emotional Rollercoaster

When she expressed feelings of worry, insecurity, and overwhelm, I reassured her that these emotions were completely normal. It’s common to feel jealous of friends who seem to navigate life effortlessly. I reminded her that it’s okay to care deeply about others, like her anorexic friend, while still feeling overwhelmed. Life is full of tremendous changes, and we all face challenges.

I recall a time when my sister asked, "How did I get here?" Life takes us on unexpected journeys, teaching us valuable lessons along the way. As Pema Chodron wisely said, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Life can be a good teacher, presenting difficulties as opportunities for growth rather than problems to avoid. When my 26 yo client said, I don't know who I am, I said, as my therapist once told me, "What makes you think anyone knows these things?!" All a process.

The Power of Normalizing in Therapy

A skilled therapist will tell you that normalizing is about letting people know they are not alone in their struggles and they don't have to identify with their struggles. While at the same time not minimizing those same issues. This is especially beneficial in group therapy settings. In a suicide bereavement group I facilitate for a small non-profit, I’ve witnessed members normalize grief for newcomers. They especially do this through sharing, joking, and even laughing in the face of immense tragedy. It bonds them to each other instead of the pain.

In therapy, normalizing refers to helping clients understand that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are typical given their circumstances. It reassures them that they are not alone in their challenges.

Benefits of Normalizing in Therapy

Normalizing offers several key benefits to clients:

• Reduces Shame and Isolation: Many individuals feel alone or ashamed of their struggles. Normalizing reassures them that their feelings are not unusual, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance.

• Promotes Open Communication: When clients feel less stigmatized, they are more likely to speak openly about their concerns, leading to a more productive therapeutic process.

• Enhances Self-Esteem and Fosters Self-Compassion: Normalizing helps clients realize that their struggles do not define their worth. It encourages them to be kind to themselves during tough times.

  
  

Perseverance Through Challenges

When I’ve faced challenges that seemed insurmountable—whether in parenting, finances, or creative pursuits—my support system often reminded me, "This too shall pass." Perseverance is key. Some individuals have persevered for generations. My family, for instance, fled Russia during the pogroms of World War I. That must have been terrifying! My grandmother was one of four sisters born after their mother arrived at Ellis Island. Tragically, a fifth sister died shortly after birth from scarlet fever.

What Not to Normalize

While normalizing experiences can be beneficial, there are certain aspects of life that should not be normalized. Recognizing these can help us maintain a healthy perspective and encourage positive change.

• Abuse: Any form of abuse—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—should never be normalized. It's crucial to seek help and support in these situations.

• Mental Health Issues: Struggling with mental health should not be seen as a normal part of life. It's important to address these issues with professional help.

• Unhealthy Relationships: Accepting toxic or unhealthy relationships as normal can lead to further emotional harm. Healthy boundaries and mutual respect should be prioritized.

• Discrimination: Normalizing discrimination or prejudice in any form is harmful. It’s essential to challenge and combat these attitudes.

• Chronic Stress: Living in a constant state of stress should not be accepted as normal. Finding ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is vital.

By recognizing what should not be normalized, we can foster a healthier mindset and encourage others to seek the support they need.