Sandra was 34, had just left a bad relationship of stuckness and sadness. Â Her friends had left. Â Her parents were never in her corner. Â We tried for one year for her to leave. Â It was hardest to leave the cat. Â Now alone, she had wandered into an office romance - that once-in-a-lifetime connection she had longed for. Her new partner had just done the impossible: he met another woman and fell in love. Â How could the universe have delivered this unfair affair? How was the world so cruel in its choices. Â Well for one thing, magical thinking does not make your future; you do. Â What could I tell her? Â So lost in the content of her isolation, I failed to see that she needed a hand, not a lecture. I simply said, don't you deserve to have a family and a future of your own? Â Her psychic said to stick it out. Â Good things come to those who wait. Â (I don't mind psychics; only that they charge more than I do!). Â They are in the business of hope, just as I am.
The girl started sobbing and hyperventilating. Â She ended the session.
Oh boy did I blow it, I thought, as always. Â The insecurity that continued throughout my life was there for the default reaction. Â My fault. Â My fault! Â Then I overcharged her by mistake. Â No worries, she said. Â My full schedule made it a burden to think that this was part of the therapeutic process. Â I consult an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) professional. Â She said, focus on how her fear of loneliness and lack of connection gets in the way of her getting what she really wants. Â There were charts and graphs involved in what I already knew - I had struck a nerve. Â
Nervous about our next session I simply said: I'm sorry. Â And she forgave me. Â She understood that I only wanted to protect her, but couldn't. Â I get attached too. Â
Attachment at the core of our capabilities. Â
A beautiful girl, only stymied by her inability to go on Hinge yet again. Â But those dating apps are treacherous. Â Guys still want what they want. Â You would think they'd have evolved by now. Â Yet the men of the world are anxious, aggressive and angry, sometimes armed (and alcoholic). Â The four A's I call them. Â I used to like men. Â They flirted in the workplace, rubbed my shoulders passing by, now all microaggressions (#metoo). Â They didn't deserve me. Â But it was fun. Â Then I ran into a boss who wanted more, and wouldn't stop. Â Losing a good chunk of my 20's with him, the married boss, I desperately wanted to spare my client the same wasteful box in the attachment matrix. Â But her journey is not mine. Â I am happily married 30 years now, with two beyond beautiful children without whom I couldn't imagine life. Â I live in my client's fantasy; of wanting things to work out/even out/be fair despite being treated badly. Â Â
But her boss and mine, all those years ago, would prevent our own happiness for theirs. Â Is that love? Â No, my friends, it's transference and magical thinking. Â I am projecting my experience on to her regressed teen girl dreams of a white picket fence, two kids and yes, a cat. Â But no life is without pain and suffering. Â And nothing shows up until it teaches us what we need to learn (Pema Chodron). Â So what is it that we both need to learn? Â That we are enough, we are worthy of love and commitment and so much more. Â I didn't get everything I wanted. Â Does anyone? Â My fancy friends seem to have second homes and vacations and security that they inherited or married or figured out. Â But it's not about fancy. Â Life is struggle for all of us - it comes at a price. Â The price is sorrow, and then rising from the ashes. Â Like a phoenix, we carry on. For my parents' legacy, I march forward toward older age and wisdom. Â Nothing is going to get fixed with a diagram or a grid. More like grit. Â So I tell Sandra patiently, stay with the feelings. Â They will soon pass away into dust.