When I attempt to enjoy myself, it usually involves being near water. We were so lucky to have arrived at a wonderful spot, with family and water and things to do and no hurricanes! Trying to please everyone all the time is my other favorite compulsion, which hasn't worked out so well. People pleasing is exhausting. After several days of this, a conflict ensued. Finally, the dam burst and I overreacted, as if we were the only family on the planet to experience moments of grief, sadness or anger. When the SH*$ goes down, I usually start going down too. I fear, based on my childhood trauma, that once the ship starts sinking you better get off. No time for life preservers. Just flight. And what if I don't have the strength to? What if I fail? How can I possibly hold everyone upright? Good old fight, flight, freeze takes hold -- I am not immune from it. In a panic of potentially losing my family forever I begin the only tactic I have ever learned: try frantically to make it right. Peace-maker, Mom, Therapist, Repeat. How to hold it together if I'm paralyzed? When I first had kids, one of my friends said, "You seem more anxious now." Ya think? What a profound responsibility! Sometimes, however, you just gotta let go. I did that too. They too need to sink or swim. Ultimately, I learned that all families have issues, and some families get through them, while some don't. Some are far worse; some better. Unhappy families, all different. Resolution is a myth. You do your best then just keep swimming.
It's crazy that in my mind the ship actually sunk several times and the bottomless pit of emptiness started its lurch toward my throat. I let it out with some sobbing. But why does trauma stick so hard - like the well worn grooves of a record? They say that MDMA or mushrooms allow the brain to find new pathways. Maybe I need that. The worn ones are so imprinted/ingrained/familiar -- why? Because past, present and future have no meaning when you're stuck in the trauma space. You are so badly triggered your brain goes off-line. It can no longer tell you the information you need to think, only to survive. The conflict person had his trauma; I had mine. There wasn't going to be any breakthrough at that intensity.
It dawned on me that my adult children had outgrown their childhoods. I had to accept that I could no longer protect them from the mistakes of the past. I came to understand that experiencing hardships is an inevitable part of life, that situations are transient, and that the only power lies within our minds. It would be wonderful to remain grounded in reality if it weren't for my trauma-induced reactions. The truth is, there was no actual crisis, only the apprehension of one. This fear has dictated my life for four decades.
It's time to be free.
We managed to carry on. Not perfect. Not anything. But a few good lobsters.
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