Boundaries of the Self, for the Self

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY

So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free!

A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly?

Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that.

WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?

When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone.

So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!