Everything Happens for a Reason

Nope. I don't buy it. Along with - put it into the universe, manifest it, give it up to God and let them. Or, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Um no again. Why? Because you and I are working really hard all day every day to re-frame and re-integrate and re-parent - let's give ourselves a little credit!!! YOU did it. My Father used to say this. He published someone's bestselling novel that went to the top of the New York Times bestseller list once. People said, wow you're so lucky!! He said to me, it's not luck; I've been doing this my whole life! It's where luck meets preparation that success begins. (机会留给有准备的人 (Jīhuì liú gěi yǒu zhǔnbèi de rén): This is the direct translation of "opportunity favors the prepared mind.")

As a basic cognitive error, not giving one's self credit for anything good is a tough road.

All good stuff is an accident of fate; all bad stuff is your own fault.

This is a common frame of the young women I talk to. According to expert, Dr. Rick Hanson, drawing on the brain’s negativity bias, he explores why positive experiences tend to pass through us so quickly, yet the negative is somehow a novelty to the brain. He says to slow down and savor what's good.

In our field we tend to over-simplify. Everything is a three-letter acronym which leaves clients saying things like, I'm afraid I'll move from anxious to avoidant attachment, as if those are the only possibilities. My client literally said this to me. CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR, EFT & ACT: so many acronyms, so much more to learn. These are just styles and theories - they are not the ultimate panacea of anything.

Overthinking appears to be a large part of it for girls because the loss of social interaction is painful. We hear it everywhere: “Everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes it’s offered with love. Sometimes it’s meant to soothe. And sometimes it lands like a quiet dismissal of how hard you’ve worked, how much you’ve endured, or how much you’ve grown.

When someone is hurting, “everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally skip over the most important step: acknowledging what happened and how it felt. Pain doesn’t become easier because we can explain it. And growth doesn’t require us to be grateful for what harmed us.

A more helpful question is often:• What happened?• What did it cost you?• What did you do to survive it?• What are you learning now—at your pace?

That last part matters. Meaning-making is not a deadline. It’s a process.

Why we struggle to give ourselves credit (and why it’s not your fault)

Many teens and young adults I work with carry a painful pattern:• If something good happens, it was luck.• If something hard happens, it must be my fault.

This is a common cognitive distortion—an error in the way the mind assigns cause and responsibility. It’s also reinforced by the brain’s negativity bias: our brains are built to scan for threat and remember what went wrong, because that once helped humans survive.

You might try one of these instead:• “Some things happen. Then we decide what to do next.”

• “I can’t control everything, but I can influence what happens from here..”

• “This was real and it was hard—and I’m still here.”

• CBT: Check the story your mind is telling

Try writing down the thought exactly as it shows up:

“If it worked out, it was luck.”

“If it didn’t work out, it’s because I’m not good enough.”

Then ask:• What’s the evidence for this?• What’s the evidence against it?• What would I say to a friend I care about?• What’s a more balanced thought?

Balanced doesn’t mean overly positive. It means accurate.

DBT: Build a “both/and” mindset

DBT teaches us to hold two truths at once:

“This is painful.”

“I can take one small step.”

Mindfulness: Savor what’s good (so it can actually register)

A compassionate alternative is:• “I’m not meant to carry this alone.”

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I should be over this by now,” I want to offer a different frame: you’re not behind. You’re in process.

And if you’ve been doing the work—showing up, practicing, repairing, trying again—please don’t call that luck.

It’s you.