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Navigating the teenage years can be a rough journey, especially when anxiety becomes a frequent companion. As a parent, it’s essential to understand this challenge to provide support and foster an environment where emotions can be shared openly. With anxiety rates among teens rising, with a reported increase of 25% in anxiety symptoms from 2011 to 2021, recognizing and dealing with these issues is more important than ever. Anxiety can show up in various ways—from worries about grades and social situations to feelings of loneliness. My work with teens facing these challenges has taught me valuable lessons that can assist you as a parent. Understanding Teen Anxiety It's normal for teens to experience some degree of anxiety, but distinguishing between typical feelings and more serious issues is vital. For instance, I met a girl who struggled intensely with anxiety about her school performance. She felt sick to her stomach before every math test, fearing failure. This vivid example illustrates how anxiety can infiltrate everyday life and impact relationships. Delving into the root causes of anxiety is a key step toward addressing it effectively. Studies show that 70% of teens report feeling stressed by academic pressures. Other sources of anxiety include peer relationships, social media influence, and high parental expectations. Being mindful of these factors can help foster understanding. For example, I had a client who failed her chemistry final. She was upset not because of her grade, but because others could see her crying outside the bathroom at school! Kids actually feel that they are being watched all the time! (Are they?) I try to work with: "who cares?!" in this situation. Seriously, everyone is so worked up about their own troubles, why would they notice you? The Signs of Anxiety Identifying anxiety in teens can be difficult but doesn't have to be. What's fascinating is that some teens can handle it just fine. During college, my boyfriend at the time once took apart a car (my car!!) and put it back together again—then also got straight A's in college by never, and I mean never, studying! Others are so demanding and hypercritical of themselves that they are paralyzed and stuck in procrastination loops. At some point, you gotta just "do it." They might not communicate their feelings directly but instead show changes in behavior, such as my favorite non-coping mechanism: avoidance. Avoidance does nothing for you but intensify anxiety. From my experience, typical signs include: Increased irritability or mood swings Withdrawal from social interactions Unusual sleep patterns, either insomnia or oversleeping Trouble concentrating on schoolwork or tasks Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches without clear medical reasons If you see any of these signs in your child, consider initiating a gentle conversation about their feelings. Creating a trusting and non-judgmental space encourages them to share their worries. In these cases, I often work with the idea of "thought choice/stopping." You have a choice in each moment how to act and what to do. No one ever told me this; I thought I was doomed to anxious thoughts. Pick and choose your worries. Open Communication Maintaining open communication is one of the best tools for addressing teen anxiety. I learned that a non-confrontational environment—but even more so—an actively supportive environment invites teens to express their emotions (especially if you use humor). ("What's the worst that could happen?"). Jon Haight says they need more free play—of course! I love hearing the kids in my neighborhood play. That carefree world of going home at dusk is over—but the freedom to make mistakes is still around... Instead of "stranger danger," says Haight, monitor their phones, not their street cred. One client said she was terrified letting her child go to the city alone. Go and rescue him, or let him sort it out? My child missed the last train—go and rescue her or make her take an expensive Uber?! Tough one. If determined to be safe, marinating in the consequences of bad judgment teaches some great life-long lessons indeed. Tools for Managing Anxiety Here are some practical strategies to help your teen manage anxiety effectively: Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques : Activities such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can be effective in reducing anxiety. Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided sessions that can introduce these practices seamlessly into your teen's routine. Physical Activity : Encourage your teen to find physical activities they enjoy, whether it’s team sports, dance, or just walking. Regular exercise has been shown to lower anxiety levels significantly, contributing to improved mental health. Creative Outlets : Encourage artistic expressions like drawing, music, or writing. Engaging in these activities can provide a constructive way for teens to process their feelings. Limit Media Consumption : The constant flow of news and social media can escalate anxiety. Encourage limited screen time to help your teen disconnect from triggers and focus on their mental health. Seek Professional Help When Needed : If anxiety continues or worsens, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional. Early help can lead to effective coping strategies that assist your teen in managing anxiety long-term. Support Networks Building a reliable support network is crucial for your child's mental health. Encourage them to engage with friends who uplift them and to participate in clubs or activities that reflect their interests. Getting involved in community groups—whether through sports, art classes, or academic clubs—can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and anxiety. These connections promote a sense of belonging and are invaluable during challenging times. Always remind your teen that leaning on friends is natural and often necessary. A peaceful space for reflection and relaxation. Final Thoughts Addressing teen anxiety is a complex journey, but with the right tools and strategies, you can empower your child to face their feelings head-on. By fostering open communication, teaching coping skills, and encouraging strong connections, you can make a significant difference in your teen's ability to manage their anxiety. Remember, many parents share similar experiences and challenges. With understanding and compassion, we can create nurturing environments for our teens, allowing them to grow and thrive. Your active involvement is key to helping prevent panic and building resilience in your child's life. Let’s navigate this path together, supporting our teens every step of the way. (Try my course for more insights!)

The whole reason I went into this thing is because after college I was rather shocked. No longer around thousands of kids my age, I looked around for the gaggle of friends I always had to sustain me. Empty, broken, bored, and scared, I flailed about and got more friends. But what if it doesn't come that easily for you? What if the dating apps make you obsess so much that you would rather read War and Peace at the library? We can say it's a critical time in a child's life - the chance to grow up and discover your true identity. But. Your parents are broke, you live in the basement, your boyfriend is self-absorbed and your job is mind-numbing? What then? Sure - go join a meetup, go hiking, go skiing, do stuff. What if you're an introvert? What if you don't drive? What if you had a bad or a ton of bad experiences in college and childhood? What could possibly go wrong? Perhaps we have to repair the missing pieces first. According to "Positive Psychology" here are just a few ways trauma can impact launching: Childhood trauma can significantly impact mental & emotional development, leading to challenges in behavior & relationships. Healing from trauma involves creating a safe environment, fostering trust & promoting open communication for emotional recovery. Professional support & therapeutic interventions are vital in helping children & adults process trauma & build resilience. If a young adult is having trouble - I find they might need to go back before they go forward. This process has to do with dealing with the trauma and regaining the lost confidence, skills, learning, etc. Go back to get unstuck: this was not your fault!! Go forward to practice: this is the method, the how and the why. You can build emotional safety into your relationships! Here are just a few from this article: ( https://positivereseteatontown.com/how-to-build-emotional-safety-in-relationships-after-experiencing-trauma/ ) For the Young Adult - Prioritize Self-Awareness & Healing : Understand your triggers and how trauma impacts you. Therapy (individual or group) is crucial for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. Build Emotional Safety : Cultivate a sense of calm and safety within yourself and your environment. Establish Boundaries : Define what feels safe and acceptable; boundaries are key to feeling secure, not pushing people away. Communicate Needs Gradually : Share your experiences at your own pace, starting with general feelings, as trust grows. Challenge Negative Thoughts : Trauma creates distortions; work to recognize and change patterns that say "all people are unsafe". Find Support : Lean on trusted friends, family, or support groups outside the relationship.   Once this work is done one can move toward exposure to people, experimentation, risk-taking, remembering that the past is over! Let's see if a #traumainformed approach can help a little in overcoming loneliness. I'd rather deeply heal and gain some freedom than be locked into a never-ending cycle of regret.

Navigating the teenage years can be a challenging experience for both parents and their children. As teens seek independence, it becomes crucial for parents to foster open and respectful communication. Building trust and understanding during this formative period can significantly impact your relationship with your teen. In this blog post, we'll discuss practical tips for improving communication with your teenager and ensuring that the lines of dialogue remain open. Understanding Teen Behavior Before diving into communication strategies, it's vital to understand the emotional and psychological changes that teenagers undergo. The teenage brain is still developing, particularly in areas associated with decision-making and impulse control. As a result, teens may often act out or misinterpret conversations. This understanding should guide how you approach discussions with your teen. Instead of taking things personally, try to empathize with their struggles. Recognizing that mood swings and emotional reactions are part of their development will help create a more harmonious environment. Creating a Safe Space for Dialogue A key part of effective communication is establishing a safe space where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Here are some actions you can take: Listen Actively : Show genuine interest when your teen speaks. Ask open-ended questions that invite them to elaborate. For instance, instead of asking, "Did you have a good day?", try "What was the best part of your day?" Be Non-Judgmental : When your teen shares personal thoughts, refrain from reacting with judgment or criticism. This will encourage them to be open with you in the future. Choose the Right Time : Timing is essential. Engage in conversations when both you and your teen are relaxed. Perhaps a casual car ride or during dinner can present the perfect opportunity for relaxed dialogue. Creating a warm environment for family discussions. Setting Boundaries with Respect Setting boundaries is an important aspect of parenting. However, how you communicate these boundaries can greatly affect your teen's perception of authority. Establish a collaborative approach to boundary-setting. Here are some steps to consider: Involve Your Teen : Rather than imposing rules, involve your teen in the discussion. For example, if you’re setting curfews, ask for their input on what seems reasonable, and negotiate a compromise. Explain the Reasons : Help your teen understand the rationale behind boundaries. Explain how these rules protect them or build their skills for future challenges. Consistency is Key : Uphold the boundaries you set but be open to a regular review—this reinforces that you respect their growing independence while maintaining necessary guidelines. Leveraging Technology for Connection In today's digital age, technology plays a significant role in the lives of teenagers. Instead of viewing technology as a barrier to communication, consider it a tool for connection. Here are some ways to leverage it: Use Social Media : Join platforms your teenager uses to understand their world better. Engaging with them in their digital spaces can bridge the gap between your experiences and theirs. Share Content : Exchange music, podcasts, or articles that either of you finds interesting. This can spark a conversation about shared values or emerging trends. Texting as a Tool : If in-person conversations are challenging, consider sending a thoughtful text. A simple, "I'm thinking about you. Hope your day is going well!" can create a connection without the pressure of a face-to-face conversation. Fostering Emotional Intelligence Emotional intelligence is a crucial skill for both parents and teens. It involves understanding and managing emotions, as well as empathizing with others. To help your teen develop this skill, consider these steps: Model Behavior : Show your teen how to express their emotions constructively. For example, instead of showing frustration, narrate your feelings: "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, let me take a minute to collect my thoughts." Teach Coping Mechanisms : Introduce your teen to techniques that can help with emotional regulation, such as deep breathing or journaling. This equips them to address their feelings effectively. Discuss Emotions Openly : Create a culture where discussing feelings is normalized in your household. Use everyday moments to talk about how characters in movies or books deal with their emotions and challenges. Encouraging Independence while Staying Connected As teens strive for independence, it's essential to allow them the freedom they seek while maintaining connection. Balancing this can be tricky, but here’s how you can manage it: Praise Their Efforts : Recognize their achievements, no matter how small. This fosters their sense of capability and encourages them to discuss their future goals. Encourage Decision-Making : Allow your teen to make choices related to their education, friendships, or other interests. This builds trust and promotes healthy communication about their thought processes. Stay Involved : Even if they seem to want space, think of ways to stay engaged in their life. Show interest in their hobbies, attend their events, or simply check in on how they’re doing regularly. Embracing Change Parenting teens is a journey filled with constant change. Embrace these changes instead of fearing them. Be adaptable and open to new ways of connecting. Your relationship with your teen will evolve, and so should your communication strategies. Staying informed by reading parental guidance resources, attending workshops, or even consulting a counselor can provide additional tools to strengthen your communication. The more you learn, the better equipped you will be to foster a supportive environment. In summary, effective communication with your teenager requires active listening, mutual respect, emotional intelligence, and a willingness to adapt. By implementing these strategies, you can build a solid foundation of trust and understanding, which will benefit both you and your child as they navigate their formative years.

Navigating the teenage years can be challenging for both parents and teens. During this critical life stage, teens experience rapid changes in their physical, emotional, and social lives. As parents, understanding these changes and fostering open communication is essential to help your teen feel safe and comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. In this blog post, we will explore typical teenage behaviors, the importance of creating a safe space for conversation, and practical strategies for parents to engage with their teens effectively. The Teenage Years: A Period of Transformation The teenage years are marked by significant emotional and physical growth. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, brain development continues well into the mid-20s, affecting decision-making, risk assessment, and emotional regulation. Teens may exhibit a range of behaviors that can confuse and frustrate parents: Mood Swings : It is common for teens to experience emotional ups and downs. Mood swings can occur due to hormonal changes, peer relationships, and academic pressure. Understanding that these fluctuations are typical can help parents approach their teens with empathy. Desire for Independence : Teens naturally seek autonomy as they forge their identities. They may challenge boundaries and test limits. While this can feel like rebellion, it is often a sign of healthy development. Peer Influence : During adolescence, friendships become increasingly important. The desire to fit in may lead teens to make choices they would not normally consider. Open dialogue can help parents guide their teens through these social influences. Accidental Circle of Life The Significance of Open Dialogue Creating a safe space for conversation is vital for nurturing your relationship with your teen. Open dialogue fosters trust, encouraging teens to communicate freely about their experiences, worries, and feelings. A safe space allows for: Emotional Support : Teens often face significant pressures that can lead to anxiety and stress. By providing a judgment-free environment, parents can offer understanding and support. Skill Development : Engaging in conversations helps teens develop communication skills, emotional intelligence, and decision-making abilities. It prepares them for relationships and challenges beyond their teenage years. Conflict Resolution : Open lines of communication can help address conflicts before they escalate. When teens feel comfortable discussing issues with their parents, disputes can be resolved more effectively. Tips for Creating a Safe Space for Conversations Now that we understand the importance of fostering open dialogue, here are practical strategies parents can implement: 1. Create a Comfortable Environment The location of your conversation matters. Choose a space that feels warm and inviting. It could be a cozy living room corner, a quiet coffee shop, or even a park bench. Ensure that your teen knows they can talk to you in a relaxed setting without interruptions. The goal is to create an atmosphere that encourages sharing. 2. Be Approachable Your demeanor plays a significant role in how comfortable your teen feels approaching you. Practice active listening: Maintain eye contact. Set aside your device and minimize distractions. Use open body language to convey your openness to discussion. When your teen sees you as approachable, they are more likely to open up. 3. Be Patient and Non-Judgmental Teenagers may be hesitant to share if they fear judgment or criticism. Approach conversations with an open mind. Express empathy and understanding, even if you disagree with their perspectives. Validation of their feelings can go a long way in encouraging them to express themselves. 4. Initiate Regular Check-Ins Establish a routine for check-ins to foster ongoing dialogue. These can be as simple as asking about their day or sharing thoughts on a recent event. Regular interactions help normalize communication and create opportunities for deeper discussions. 5. Encourage Friends in the Conversation Sometimes, teens feel more comfortable discussing issues when their friends are involved. Creating a group setting for discussions about challenges like peer pressure or academic stress can be beneficial. Consider organizing casual get-togethers where both you and your teen’s friends are invited, fostering a sense of community. A family enjoying a meal together, highlighting the importance of communication. Understanding Sensitivity to Topics As you engage with your teen, be aware of sensitive topics that may arise. Issues such as mental health, relationships, and societal pressures can be challenging. Being prepared to talk about these topics can help you navigate them more gracefully. Mental Health Awareness One significant concern for many teens is mental health. Anxiety and depression can manifest during these years. Create a dialogue around mental health by: Reading books or articles together about the topic. Encouraging your teen to express their feelings. Seeking support from professionals if needed. Relationship Issues Friendship dynamics and romantic relationships can be tough. Encourage your teen to discuss their relationships openly, providing a neutral ground where they can explore their feelings. Share your experiences as a way to relate, but avoid overshadowing their narrative. Academic Pressures Academic stress is common among teens. Help them understand that it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Engaging in discussions about their educational goals and pressures can provide them with the perspective they need to address these challenges mindfully. Building Trust Over Time Trust is not built overnight. It requires consistent effort, understanding, and, most importantly, patience. Here are additional ways to foster trust: Respect Privacy : While you may want to check in frequently, respecting your teen's privacy is crucial. Encourage them to share what they feel comfortable with without prying into their personal space. Be Reliable : If you promise to do something or be there for them, follow through. Reliability builds credibility and reinforces the bond of trust. Lead by Example : Model the behavior you wish to see in your teen. Share your experiences honestly. If they see you handling challenges with openness, they may mirror those behaviors. The Role of Patience and Love Teenage years are unpredictable, and it is essential for parents to remain patient and loving throughout the journey. Understanding that this phase is temporary can help parents navigate the turbulent waters with a calm and loving heart. By nurturing a supportive environment and encouraging conversation, you invite your teen to share more of their life with you. Remember, the goal is not just to talk but to listen and engage in meaningful discussions that honor their feelings and experiences.

I've been writing articles on SAD - seasonal depression/affective disorder for more than 25 years. There's not much new to say about it, but there are plenty of more reasons to be SAD. I am working with a lot of teens and young adults right now who are acting out and getting into trouble and doing risky things, which are all normal to adolescent development. What is not normal is running your parents into the ground. In other words, young people move around the world without much heed to consequences. Like my client who told the whole school she was having a Halloween Party and 300 people were going to show up. The best thing you can tell your kids is: "Did you think it through??" Let's break it down. First of all, how do you think things through if you don't have the cognitive maturity to do so? This has always fascinated me. It's like the climbers on Mt. Everest: how can they use their rational brains to make good decisions without oxygen!!?? By definition you are handicapping yourself at the most dangerous moments of your life! Here are some ways to practice this and take away the mystery. Define the Decision Clearly: Understand the problem or opportunity you are facing. Gather Relevant Information: Research and collect data that may influence your decision. Consider the Alternatives: List all possible options and evaluate their pros and cons. Weigh the Evidence: Analyze the information and assess how each option aligns with your goals. Involve Others: Seek input from trusted friends, colleagues, or experts to gain different perspectives. Consider the Long-Term Impact: Think about how your decision will affect you and others in the future. Trust Your Instincts: Listen to your gut feelings, especially if you have experience in similar situations. Make the Decision: Choose the best option based on your analysis and intuition. Implement the Decision: Take action to put your choice into effect. Reflect on the Outcome: After some time, evaluate the results of your decision to learn and improve for the future. Now you may be wondering what if I make a mistake. MAKING MISTAKES IS THE ONLY WAY WE LEARN! Keep making mistakes. Fall on your face. Good for you! You see the kids who are not trying? Sitting in their rooms or on their phones all night? Please get out there and see what real life has to offer. This is your time!

Boyz to Men I don't see many boys. It seems they don't like therapy. And the world watches as they become angrier, disenfranchised, downsized and addicted. Why why why - if I only knew I'd be rich. Well you can't blame the Mothers. That's old news. Now men are armed and dangerous. Every time they raise their voices I myself get a little more afraid. So what, if anything, can be done about this rage? Channel it? I like David Hoag. He stands up to challenge the status quo only after witnessing the unimaginable. I like Steven Colbert. He acts impenetrable in the face of doom. I even like Doug Emhoff and Pete Buddigege who push back on anti semitism and lgbtg shaming. How did they get their voices to be reasonable? How are the fathers doing? Probably not too fine as their 401ks stumble and their workspaces shrink. Probably not so thrilled that their college savings bought their kids access to what exactly? Clearly it's time for new leadership. New role models. What? Barack Obama wasn't cool enough for you? Now what? A young man in my office is bright and worthy and emotionally astute. I'm so proud of him as he battles his demeaning father's narcissism. Another one is doing so well after facing down porn addiction and shame during his teen years. He will go on to feel normal again. And still another young man tries desperately not to fall into grief after a big family secret unraveled his reality. He can manage by leaning into his more true self, a more compassionate one. What they all share is a willingness to create space. Men always ask me the how of it all. This IS the how. Being present. Being woke even. Allowing anger to rise and fall as all things do. Giving permission to a more spontaneous version of heck yeah I'll try it, not running away. The how is the process. The how is listening. The how is now. Shake off and dissolve the story of what you think is happening and watch for a new one. The grooves have moved. The story is unfolding. Awake! Men may not be good with emotion for many evolutionary reasons. But some men can evolve with patience and a deference to their better halves!

My Father was a book man. Door to door at first, like his father, selling magazines before him, although they both had a secret penchant for sneaking away from work and playing bridge or ping pong or chess somewhere in Queens, NY. The books kept coming as he worked his way from seller to publisher to agent to producer. Long years of Tolkien and Roth and Atwood and Smiley; of Atlas Shrugged and Night; of East of Eden and Crime and Punishment, of reading, buying, editing, talking, books, books books. It was an idyllic childhood having literature at my fingertips. We also played every kind of ball, and I endured some rage from him as he was a serious competitor. My father and I adored each other, and our relationship defined my life. Until it didn’t. When he walked out not long after my 15th birthday, (and I was a late bloomer, even more devastating), things didn’t not turn out so well. Gone was my number one cheerleader besides my ever-nurturing mom. My father was bright, good looking, athletic and charismatic. A real live narcissist. It was a blast. He never laid a hand on me, but was big on smacking tennis balls and throwing rackets. His bipolar mood swings were under control with medication and my parents thankfully were not big drinkers (preferring ice cream). The world has changed so dramatically since 9/11 I used to think. My parents missed my kids’ things because my mom died young and my dad was on the other coast. Bicoastal was his term; of course I never liked it. When I visited him at his new home in California, I hated that too. He did not take me to outdoor adventures, but rather to Rodeo Drive and Universal Studios. He was caught up in a new culture. Once we bumped into a real movie star whom I admired, William Shatner, on the street. I was not in awe of Los Angeles. I found it to be full of fakers and takers. I didn’t understand why no one seemed to work but everyone was in line for the next-big-thing in the movie business. My dad’s bold idea was to bring books to movies and introduce them into a partnership. Some might say he was visionary in that. He failed. No matter, because life was good out there in LA LA Land. He also failed on the child support, which tore my mother up, as she worked tirelessly as a teacher - special ed English, Bronx, NY - while he sipped in his martinis and screenplays. My mother’s economic fortunes shifted downward, as is typical in divorce, and we went off to college feeling a deep sense of otherness at our new found drop in status. I was able to identify that I needed help. I kept latching on to the wrong people, hoping they could replace my missing father. But it was the ONGOING coming and going of him that set me off balance. It’s one thing to be abandoned, but over and over again? He would come in like a Disneyland Dad for sure, and then leave at the airport or train or taxi or whatever, and it was emotional whiplash. I never understood that I was his narcissistic supply until later. Our relationship had inverted. After my father’s funeral, after I had shipped his worthless antiquarian book collection back and forth across the country several times at my own expense, I let out a long, hollowed out howl that came from the darkest corner of my soul. It was cleansing to be sure. I felt as if I could fly, that’s how long it had been since I exhaled. I feel guilty that I’m not sadder. I also had a dream some time later. I was walking away from a funeral procession (presumably his?), and a dancing witch (not unlike Helena Bonham Carter in “Big Fish”) was laughing and dancing behind the crowd. She turned her head to look at me, wagged her finger and cackled distinctly, “I won’t be seeing you again,” (or something to that effect). Again I felt released. To this day I cannot recall the last book my dad and I discussed when he was hospitalized and bloated with water from congestive heart failure - though I can remember all the other books we shared together. I must have blocked it out. The mind is a strange thing when it goes from insecure people-pleasing to living on your own terms. Perhaps there’s a book in that.

In my groups we discuss pets a lot. I have always allowed space for my clients and their pets. Pets are an amazing source of comfort to so many. Of course and they don't talk back!! I have watched many of my clients grieve the loss of their pets. This is a process like no other. The stages of grief, which it turns out, are NOT LINEAR, will help to guide us, but there's so much more. The loss can last a day a week or a year. The entire family is effected. You cannot replace a beloved pet. In some cases, I've noted, pets receive better care than humans do. More and more people ask me for letters of support for a pet providing emotional wellness. I am happy to do that for people with whom I work. Kids going off to college have even asked me for an emotional support Guinea pig. Why not? My husband told me he had a dog during college that went off leash and followed him around to his classes. I currently have 3 pets and it's a lot of work; but they have given me such joy. My neighbor's dog suddenly passed away last week. All we can say is that loss is loss. There's no easy way to get through it but to go through it. Pets came way before therapy and they'll probably sustain us long after AI has taken our jobs! So allow your family and clients to do whatever they need to for the short-term. In fact, here's what Google AI says about dealing with it: Some other reasons why losing a pet can be hard include: Isolation Grieving the loss of a pet can feel isolating because it's considered a disenfranchised grief in today's society. Comments like "It's just a dog" or "Are you going to get another cat" can fe el hurtful. Depression It's normal to feel a sinking feeling of depression after losing a pet, but it can be detrimental if the depression doesn't subside after sev eral months. Difficulty concentrating You might have trouble focusing and concentrating on tasks, which can lead to forgetting things, misplacing things, or feeling like yo u have no energy to think. Guilt You might feel guilty for having to euthanize a pet, or if your pet died a natural death, you might think you should have had them euthanized to prevent suf fering. Anger You might feel angry at the vet, at yourself, or even at your pet for leavin g you.  And here's more practical advise from the Humane Society: ( https://www.humanesociety.org/news/grieving-loss-companion-animal ) Reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear. Do a little research online, and you'll find hundreds of resources and support groups that may be helpful to you. Some of these include: The Pet Compassion Careline, which provides 24/7 grief support with trained pet grief counselors. Lap of Love, which provides grief courses and 50-minute one-on-one support sessions with a grief counselor. Everlife Support Groups by state. Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement support groups, available at specific times throughout the week. If you are part of a congregation, ask if your place of worship offers bereavement support for pet loss. Memorialize your pet through a bereavement ritual. You might: Spread your pet’s ashes somewhere special, or reserve a place in your home for your pet’s ashes and photos of your pet. Plant a native tree or flowering shrub in memory of your pet. Create a memory box with your pet’s collar or favorite toys. Purchase a product that incorporates your pet’s ashes into a memorial necklace, bracelet, ring or suncatcher. (Search “pet cremation jewelry.”) Commission a painting, statue, memorial stone or plush animal representation of your pet. (Search “pet memorial” on Etsy.com for a wide range of options at all price points.) Write about your feelings, or write a letter to your pet about all the things you’d like to say to them or how you’d have liked to spend your last day with them. Write an obituary for your pet. Share photos and memories of your pet via social media. People and pets are inseparable and we love them with all our hearts. Give your little guy a pat on the head and an extra treat tonight. He got you through a lot of long days.

In therapy 3's are dangerous.  The potential for triangulation is rife.  Three means exclusion, secrets, pairs and pains.  Like the original three (mom, dad, baby), or in religion; jealousy or competition.  I learned a hard lesson about three many years ago when two of my friends "boxed me out" because of some nonsense with the kids.  I was mortified.  It took me years to get over it.  I still get nauseous when I see them out together, so I can only imagine how a teenager must feel, seeing friends on social media without even an invitation. My client yesterday informed me that this very thing had happened. She marched right up to those girls and demanded, why was I not included?  I don't think I would have had the guts to do that in high school. Then again, we didn't have exclusive, hierarchical  "friend groups."  You were free to float to your heart's content, and that worked well for me. As a social creature, I could manipulate things so that groups overlapped and I was never too lonely.  It worked as an insurance plan against feeling left out.  Why being on your own is so awful, it's hard to say.  I wasn't particularly bothered about being alone at times in my life.  In fact, I think I'm the rare exception - I could be an introvert or an extrovert on many occasions.  But knowing you were deliberately left behind is surely torture.  As my 10th grade client from an affluent suburb said, "I  looked like I had no friends."  What does that mean?  Why does it matter what it looks like? Kids really and truly think that people are watching them.  It's no wonder they're upset and paranoid. Three came up in another instance in my work with a younger child, a middle schooler.  I had been working with this highly verbal and precocious child for close to two years.  Whenever I suggested we were done, she insisted, no-- call me next Wednesday.  Here was a kid who was being asked by her mom to be a kind of investigator-in-training against dad, and his problems.  She could describe in minute detail his every move, whether at home or out at a party.  How many drinks he had, how many times he went to the restroom, how many times he lost his balance, where he hid his keys, etc. "She's good at it," said mom.  The kid is 12!!  Do you think this job contributes to her anxiety? (I wondered rhetorically).  Now I'm the detective. Finally, after several weeks of me not sleeping, I asked the mom, with whom I have a relationship, could we have a family meeting.  "I'm too stressed out," she replied.  "I can't nail him down," she replied.  On my third attempt, she blew me off completely.  I asked the child permission to reach out to dad.  Upon calling him, and putting him at ease, I explained my concerns.  By elevating the child to the triangle she essentially was too scared to do anything but her mother's bidding. By alerting the dad, he spoke with her and alleviated her responsibilities in this regard.  "You're fired!" he said to her.  With my help, he also told her, if it happens again, simply say, I can't do it anymore, I'm busy.  When I next talked to her, she was beyond relieved.  It was as if she was experiencing childhood again.  She was taken out of triangulation and put squarely into 7th grade again.  Let the dyad work it out.  And note to therapist/self: do not wait to engage parents when you get a red flag.  Soon you'll be triangulated if you don't!

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free! A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly? Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that. WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone. So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!

I am currently running three groups: teen girls, young adult women and 30-something women. The technology is the easy part. Zoom is barely adequate to cover the range of real human emotions during this unprecidented time. Zoom is usually freezing just when I guide the person to be relaxed enough to connect to her inner fears and feelings. Zoom is the easy part.   TEENS The hard parts depend upon which age group you are in. For example, teen girls' biggest complaint? You guessed it: BOREDOM. Sure lots of kids in the 'burbs where I work have many privileges: lessons, country homes, nannies, big backyards. But what of the others? The ones whose parents have double shifts and cannot afford these luxurious freedoms? These kids are in their bedrooms staring at the ceiling. They don't care about gourmet cooking classes or math tutoring or the next iteration of TikTok. Video games, YouTube and snapping is all they have. Day after day they don't leave the house. They don't have vitamin D on their faces and in their retinas. They have screens. This is old news. However, in the pandemic it's a thousand times more isolating. Imagine if you're an quirky kid with one good friend whom you only see at school lunch and now even that is gone? You sit in your room and mope. You feel glued to the bed. You are achy even though you're only 15 years old. You wonder if your friends will even remember you in the fall. You have reversed day and night. This virus is a total rip-off. Time seems to slow down. It's called depression. I can stand on my head over zoom and say pleeeeeeze try bird watching. Just something. But no. And no, they say, "my parents don't believe in medication for depression." The weight of this crisis is crushing our kids. One large, heavy weight right on the chest area. The only thing to do: BREATHE. YOUNG ADULTS For young adults it's even more devastating in some cases. Yes, bored, depressed, anxious, alone, sad, frustrated. There are so many words; none make sense anymore. Just like the words to describe our president, our world, our economy, our environment, our future -- loss and loss of words. The best word is: BROKEN, fractured, polarized. It's getting more complicated for a young adult to launch. One of my kids, having just graduated from a top college, is working from her childhood bedroom. The other is trying to locate an off-campus apartment just to be near school, if not in it. Hard enough to deal with living at home, no money, job, friends, getting a license to drive, going to a restaurant, waiting at the post office, taking classes online. Sure some kids are wonderfully prepared. They have a sunny attitude and they have the main thing that everyone needs right now: MOTIVATION. Reporting from the group of 20-30yo young adults is a different vibe: I'm too anxious/confused/lost to go out, to send an email, to follow-up, (which, in my opinion, is the key to adulting). The group lets them see that we are all struggling. That is a comfort. But some are struggling much more than others.  This is serious. SO they get some free counseling. Then what? PAUSE is their mantra now. And PAUSE sucks. 30-SOMETHINGS Now introduce the 30 year olds. They want to enjoy their kids, or trying to have kids or settling down or traveling or spreading their wings and finding a purpose. This is their developmental GOAL. And yet. Who can say when you can go to vacation, send kids on playdates, go back to work. Some are dying to go back. Some never want to go back. They are tired of sheltering in place. They need a babysitter. Covid is the triple crown of childcare problems: noone in and noone out, just you. And yet, the boss never said you could work whenever you feel like it. Nope. She never did. I see my neighbors down the block running tag-team, lap-tops outside while kids bike by back and forth, wheeeee! They have no free time; they look like zombies. Time itself is fleeting, receeding back to where we cannot plan even if we're planners.  My advise? Stay CALM and KEEP it day to day. This is the only control there is. And also, smell the flowers.