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My Daughter's Hawaii Trip My daughter recently traveled to Hawaii after completing the grueling two-day BAR exam. This exam is not about drinking at a bar; it’s the one that qualifies individuals to practice law in our country, ensuring that all people are safe, secure, and entitled to due process. What an achievement! The Emotional Rollercoaster When she expressed feelings of worry, insecurity, and overwhelm, I reassured her that these emotions were completely normal. It’s common to feel jealous of friends who seem to navigate life effortlessly. I reminded her that it’s okay to care deeply about others, like her anorexic friend, while still feeling overwhelmed. Life is full of tremendous changes, and we all face challenges. I recall a time when my sister asked, "How did I get here?" Life takes us on unexpected journeys, teaching us valuable lessons along the way. As Pema Chodron wisely said, " Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know ." Life can be a good teacher, presenting difficulties as opportunities for growth rather than problems to avoid. When my 26 yo client said, I don't know who I am, I said, as my therapist once told me, "What makes you think anyone knows these things?!" All a process. The Power of Normalizing in Therapy A skilled therapist will tell you that normalizing is about letting people know they are not alone in their struggles and they don't have to identify with their struggles. While at the same time not minimizing those same issues. This is especially beneficial in group therapy settings. In a suicide bereavement group I facilitate for a small non-profit, I’ve witnessed members normalize grief for newcomers. They especially do this through sharing, joking, and even laughing in the face of immense tragedy. It bonds them to each other instead of the pain. In therapy, normalizing refers to helping clients understand that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are typical given their circumstances. It reassures them that they are not alone in their challenges. Benefits of Normalizing in Therapy Normalizing offers several key benefits to clients: Reduces Shame and Isolation: Many individuals feel alone or ashamed of their struggles. Normalizing reassures them that their feelings are not unusual, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance. Promotes Open Communication: When clients feel less stigmatized, they are more likely to speak openly about their concerns, leading to a more productive therapeutic process. Enhances Self-Esteem and Fosters Self-Compassion: Normalizing helps clients realize that their struggles do not define their worth. It encourages them to be kind to themselves during tough times. Perseverance Through Challenges When I’ve faced challenges that seemed insurmountable—whether in parenting, finances, or creative pursuits—my support system often reminded me, "This too shall pass." Perseverance is key. Some individuals have persevered for generations. My family, for instance, fled Russia during the pogroms of World War I. That must have been terrifying! My grandmother was one of four sisters born after their mother arrived at Ellis Island. Tragically, a fifth sister died shortly after birth from scarlet fever. What Not to Normalize While normalizing experiences can be beneficial, there are certain aspects of life that should not be normalized. Recognizing these can help us maintain a healthy perspective and encourage positive change. Abuse: Any form of abuse—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—should never be normalized. It's crucial to seek help and support in these situations. Mental Health Issues: Struggling with mental health should not be seen as a normal part of life. It's important to address these issues with professional help. Unhealthy Relationships: Accepting toxic or unhealthy relationships as normal can lead to further emotional harm. Healthy boundaries and mutual respect should be prioritized. Discrimination: Normalizing discrimination or prejudice in any form is harmful. It’s essential to challenge and combat these attitudes. Chronic Stress: Living in a constant state of stress should not be accepted as normal. Finding ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is vital. By recognizing what should not be normalized, we can foster a healthier mindset and encourage others to seek the support they need.

Boyz to Men I don't see many boys. It seems they don't like therapy. And the world watches as they become angrier, disenfranchised, downsized and addicted. Why why why - if I only knew I'd be rich. Well you can't blame the Mothers. That's old news. Now men are armed and dangerous. Every time they raise their voices I myself get a little more afraid. So what, if anything, can be done about this rage? Channel it? I like David Hoag. He stands up to challenge the status quo only after witnessing the unimaginable. I like Steven Colbert. He acts impenetrable in the face of doom. I even like Doug Emhoff and Pete Buddigege who push back on anti semitism and lgbtg shaming. How did they get their voices to be reasonable? How are the fathers doing? Probably not too fine as their 401ks stumble and their workspaces shrink. Probably not so thrilled that their college savings bought their kids access to what exactly? Clearly it's time for new leadership. New role models. What? Barack Obama wasn't cool enough for you? Now what? A young man in my office is bright and worthy and emotionally astute. I'm so proud of him as he battles his demeaning father's narcissism. Another one is doing so well after facing down porn addiction and shame during his teen years. He will go on to feel normal again. And still another young man tries desperately not to fall into grief after a big family secret unraveled his reality. He can manage by leaning into his more true self, a more compassionate one. What they all share is a willingness to create space. Men always ask me the how of it all. This IS the how. Being present. Being woke even. Allowing anger to rise and fall as all things do. Giving permission to a more spontaneous version of heck yeah I'll try it, not running away. The how is the process. The how is listening. The how is now. Shake off and dissolve the story of what you think is happening and watch for a new one. The grooves have moved. The story is unfolding. Awake! Men may not be good with emotion for many evolutionary reasons. But some men can evolve with patience and a deference to their better halves!

My Father was a book man. Door to door at first, like his father, selling magazines before him, although they both had a secret penchant for sneaking away from work and playing bridge or ping pong or chess somewhere in Queens, NY. The books kept coming as he worked his way from seller to publisher to agent to producer. Long years of Tolkien and Roth and Atwood and Smiley; of Atlas Shrugged and Night; of East of Eden and Crime and Punishment, of reading, buying, editing, talking, books, books books. It was an idyllic childhood having literature at my fingertips. We also played every kind of ball, and I endured some rage from him as he was a serious competitor. My father and I adored each other, and our relationship defined my life. Until it didn’t. When he walked out not long after my 15th birthday, (and I was a late bloomer, even more devastating), things didn’t not turn out so well. Gone was my number one cheerleader besides my ever-nurturing mom. My father was bright, good looking, athletic and charismatic. A real live narcissist. It was a blast. He never laid a hand on me, but was big on smacking tennis balls and throwing rackets. His bipolar mood swings were under control with medication and my parents thankfully were not big drinkers (preferring ice cream). The world has changed so dramatically since 9/11 I used to think. My parents missed my kids’ things because my mom died young and my dad was on the other coast. Bicoastal was his term; of course I never liked it. When I visited him at his new home in California, I hated that too. He did not take me to outdoor adventures, but rather to Rodeo Drive and Universal Studios. He was caught up in a new culture. Once we bumped into a real movie star whom I admired, William Shatner, on the street. I was not in awe of Los Angeles. I found it to be full of fakers and takers. I didn’t understand why no one seemed to work but everyone was in line for the next-big-thing in the movie business. My dad’s bold idea was to bring books to movies and introduce them into a partnership. Some might say he was visionary in that. He failed. No matter, because life was good out there in LA LA Land. He also failed on the child support, which tore my mother up, as she worked tirelessly as a teacher - special ed English, Bronx, NY - while he sipped in his martinis and screenplays. My mother’s economic fortunes shifted downward, as is typical in divorce, and we went off to college feeling a deep sense of otherness at our new found drop in status. I was able to identify that I needed help. I kept latching on to the wrong people, hoping they could replace my missing father. But it was the ONGOING coming and going of him that set me off balance. It’s one thing to be abandoned, but over and over again? He would come in like a Disneyland Dad for sure, and then leave at the airport or train or taxi or whatever, and it was emotional whiplash. I never understood that I was his narcissistic supply until later. Our relationship had inverted. After my father’s funeral, after I had shipped his worthless antiquarian book collection back and forth across the country several times at my own expense, I let out a long, hollowed out howl that came from the darkest corner of my soul. It was cleansing to be sure. I felt as if I could fly, that’s how long it had been since I exhaled. I feel guilty that I’m not sadder. I also had a dream some time later. I was walking away from a funeral procession (presumably his?), and a dancing witch (not unlike Helena Bonham Carter in “Big Fish”) was laughing and dancing behind the crowd. She turned her head to look at me, wagged her finger and cackled distinctly, “I won’t be seeing you again,” (or something to that effect). Again I felt released. To this day I cannot recall the last book my dad and I discussed when he was hospitalized and bloated with water from congestive heart failure - though I can remember all the other books we shared together. I must have blocked it out. The mind is a strange thing when it goes from insecure people-pleasing to living on your own terms. Perhaps there’s a book in that.

In my groups we discuss pets a lot. I have always allowed space for my clients and their pets. Pets are an amazing source of comfort to so many. Of course and they don't talk back!! I have watched many of my clients grieve the loss of their pets. This is a process like no other. The stages of grief, which it turns out, are NOT LINEAR, will help to guide us, but there's so much more. The loss can last a day a week or a year. The entire family is effected. You cannot replace a beloved pet. In some cases, I've noted, pets receive better care than humans do. More and more people ask me for letters of support for a pet providing emotional wellness. I am happy to do that for people with whom I work. Kids going off to college have even asked me for an emotional support Guinea pig. Why not? My husband told me he had a dog during college that went off leash and followed him around to his classes. I currently have 3 pets and it's a lot of work; but they have given me such joy. My neighbor's dog suddenly passed away last week. All we can say is that loss is loss. There's no easy way to get through it but to go through it. Pets came way before therapy and they'll probably sustain us long after AI has taken our jobs! So allow your family and clients to do whatever they need to for the short-term. In fact, here's what Google AI says about dealing with it: Some other reasons why losing a pet can be hard include: Isolation Grieving the loss of a pet can feel isolating because it's considered a disenfranchised grief in today's society. Comments like "It's just a dog" or "Are you going to get another cat" can fe el hurtful. Depression It's normal to feel a sinking feeling of depression after losing a pet, but it can be detrimental if the depression doesn't subside after sev eral months. Difficulty concentrating You might have trouble focusing and concentrating on tasks, which can lead to forgetting things, misplacing things, or feeling like yo u have no energy to think. Guilt You might feel guilty for having to euthanize a pet, or if your pet died a natural death, you might think you should have had them euthanized to prevent suf fering. Anger You might feel angry at the vet, at yourself, or even at your pet for leavin g you.  And here's more practical advise from the Humane Society: ( https://www.humanesociety.org/news/grieving-loss-companion-animal ) Reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear. Do a little research online, and you'll find hundreds of resources and support groups that may be helpful to you. Some of these include: The Pet Compassion Careline, which provides 24/7 grief support with trained pet grief counselors. Lap of Love, which provides grief courses and 50-minute one-on-one support sessions with a grief counselor. Everlife Support Groups by state. Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement support groups, available at specific times throughout the week. If you are part of a congregation, ask if your place of worship offers bereavement support for pet loss. Memorialize your pet through a bereavement ritual. You might: Spread your pet’s ashes somewhere special, or reserve a place in your home for your pet’s ashes and photos of your pet. Plant a native tree or flowering shrub in memory of your pet. Create a memory box with your pet’s collar or favorite toys. Purchase a product that incorporates your pet’s ashes into a memorial necklace, bracelet, ring or suncatcher. (Search “pet cremation jewelry.”) Commission a painting, statue, memorial stone or plush animal representation of your pet. (Search “pet memorial” on Etsy.com for a wide range of options at all price points.) Write about your feelings, or write a letter to your pet about all the things you’d like to say to them or how you’d have liked to spend your last day with them. Write an obituary for your pet. Share photos and memories of your pet via social media. People and pets are inseparable and we love them with all our hearts. Give your little guy a pat on the head and an extra treat tonight. He got you through a lot of long days.

In therapy 3's are dangerous.  The potential for triangulation is rife.  Three means exclusion, secrets, pairs and pains.  Like the original three (mom, dad, baby), or in religion; jealousy or competition.  I learned a hard lesson about three many years ago when two of my friends "boxed me out" because of some nonsense with the kids.  I was mortified.  It took me years to get over it.  I still get nauseous when I see them out together, so I can only imagine how a teenager must feel, seeing friends on social media without even an invitation. My client yesterday informed me that this very thing had happened. She marched right up to those girls and demanded, why was I not included?  I don't think I would have had the guts to do that in high school. Then again, we didn't have exclusive, hierarchical  "friend groups."  You were free to float to your heart's content, and that worked well for me. As a social creature, I could manipulate things so that groups overlapped and I was never too lonely.  It worked as an insurance plan against feeling left out.  Why being on your own is so awful, it's hard to say.  I wasn't particularly bothered about being alone at times in my life.  In fact, I think I'm the rare exception - I could be an introvert or an extrovert on many occasions.  But knowing you were deliberately left behind is surely torture.  As my 10th grade client from an affluent suburb said, "I  looked like I had no friends."  What does that mean?  Why does it matter what it looks like? Kids really and truly think that people are watching them.  It's no wonder they're upset and paranoid. Three came up in another instance in my work with a younger child, a middle schooler.  I had been working with this highly verbal and precocious child for close to two years.  Whenever I suggested we were done, she insisted, no-- call me next Wednesday.  Here was a kid who was being asked by her mom to be a kind of investigator-in-training against dad, and his problems.  She could describe in minute detail his every move, whether at home or out at a party.  How many drinks he had, how many times he went to the restroom, how many times he lost his balance, where he hid his keys, etc. "She's good at it," said mom.  The kid is 12!!  Do you think this job contributes to her anxiety? (I wondered rhetorically).  Now I'm the detective. Finally, after several weeks of me not sleeping, I asked the mom, with whom I have a relationship, could we have a family meeting.  "I'm too stressed out," she replied.  "I can't nail him down," she replied.  On my third attempt, she blew me off completely.  I asked the child permission to reach out to dad.  Upon calling him, and putting him at ease, I explained my concerns.  By elevating the child to the triangle she essentially was too scared to do anything but her mother's bidding. By alerting the dad, he spoke with her and alleviated her responsibilities in this regard.  "You're fired!" he said to her.  With my help, he also told her, if it happens again, simply say, I can't do it anymore, I'm busy.  When I next talked to her, she was beyond relieved.  It was as if she was experiencing childhood again.  She was taken out of triangulation and put squarely into 7th grade again.  Let the dyad work it out.  And note to therapist/self: do not wait to engage parents when you get a red flag.  Soon you'll be triangulated if you don't!

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free! A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly? Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that. WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone. So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!

I am currently running three groups: teen girls, young adult women and 30-something women. The technology is the easy part. Zoom is barely adequate to cover the range of real human emotions during this unprecidented time. Zoom is usually freezing just when I guide the person to be relaxed enough to connect to her inner fears and feelings. Zoom is the easy part.   TEENS The hard parts depend upon which age group you are in. For example, teen girls' biggest complaint? You guessed it: BOREDOM. Sure lots of kids in the 'burbs where I work have many privileges: lessons, country homes, nannies, big backyards. But what of the others? The ones whose parents have double shifts and cannot afford these luxurious freedoms? These kids are in their bedrooms staring at the ceiling. They don't care about gourmet cooking classes or math tutoring or the next iteration of TikTok. Video games, YouTube and snapping is all they have. Day after day they don't leave the house. They don't have vitamin D on their faces and in their retinas. They have screens. This is old news. However, in the pandemic it's a thousand times more isolating. Imagine if you're an quirky kid with one good friend whom you only see at school lunch and now even that is gone? You sit in your room and mope. You feel glued to the bed. You are achy even though you're only 15 years old. You wonder if your friends will even remember you in the fall. You have reversed day and night. This virus is a total rip-off. Time seems to slow down. It's called depression. I can stand on my head over zoom and say pleeeeeeze try bird watching. Just something. But no. And no, they say, "my parents don't believe in medication for depression." The weight of this crisis is crushing our kids. One large, heavy weight right on the chest area. The only thing to do: BREATHE. YOUNG ADULTS For young adults it's even more devastating in some cases. Yes, bored, depressed, anxious, alone, sad, frustrated. There are so many words; none make sense anymore. Just like the words to describe our president, our world, our economy, our environment, our future -- loss and loss of words. The best word is: BROKEN, fractured, polarized. It's getting more complicated for a young adult to launch. One of my kids, having just graduated from a top college, is working from her childhood bedroom. The other is trying to locate an off-campus apartment just to be near school, if not in it. Hard enough to deal with living at home, no money, job, friends, getting a license to drive, going to a restaurant, waiting at the post office, taking classes online. Sure some kids are wonderfully prepared. They have a sunny attitude and they have the main thing that everyone needs right now: MOTIVATION. Reporting from the group of 20-30yo young adults is a different vibe: I'm too anxious/confused/lost to go out, to send an email, to follow-up, (which, in my opinion, is the key to adulting). The group lets them see that we are all struggling. That is a comfort. But some are struggling much more than others.  This is serious. SO they get some free counseling. Then what? PAUSE is their mantra now. And PAUSE sucks. 30-SOMETHINGS Now introduce the 30 year olds. They want to enjoy their kids, or trying to have kids or settling down or traveling or spreading their wings and finding a purpose. This is their developmental GOAL. And yet. Who can say when you can go to vacation, send kids on playdates, go back to work. Some are dying to go back. Some never want to go back. They are tired of sheltering in place. They need a babysitter. Covid is the triple crown of childcare problems: noone in and noone out, just you. And yet, the boss never said you could work whenever you feel like it. Nope. She never did. I see my neighbors down the block running tag-team, lap-tops outside while kids bike by back and forth, wheeeee! They have no free time; they look like zombies. Time itself is fleeting, receeding back to where we cannot plan even if we're planners.  My advise? Stay CALM and KEEP it day to day. This is the only control there is. And also, smell the flowers.

When my books flooded I was of course devastated.  Most of these I have duplicated on my kindle already.  But who can read anymore?  Lack of concentration, old age, pandemic languishing, check, check and check.  Growing up surrounded by books, I never took them for granted.  From the earliest age, I could remember the glee of receiving a box from the Bantam bestseller list every month.  My father worked in the industry when it was glamorous, like Mad Men.  My parents had those same floral prints on their clothes and couches during the 70's.  I think for a minute they were a power couple.  Now publishing is an outpost of top authors and die hards but most of us don't read.  I tried to listen to a book recently -- too many distractions.  Savoring the hard won inner journey of devouring a good novel is one of life's greatest joys.   And yet as the industry tanked, so did our family.   The books stopped coming when my father took off for a venture into film which never quite accelerated, after some brief successes.  As the world turned digital, I embraced it. My father did not.  He's read more than anyone I know and doesn't even wear glasses in his old age.  I guess denying your age has its benefits.  But denying that your whole industry has disappeared is not so helpful.  My best girlfriend realized her business of menswear clothing design was vanishing so she shifted gears to social work, of all things. But not my dad.  The books were his lifeblood.  How can you toss a book?  Truly.  Only a person of brazen lack of self-regard could treat books this way. Books made you smart.  I once offered my daughter $200 to read The Hobbit . The arrogance and narcissism and mood swings around my father continued to swirl from coast to coast, legendary book man that he was -- now flirting with girls half his age out of Bryn Mawr -- wannabe copy editors and such, he thought he was still in the game long after it was over.  Like Willy Loman he just kept pitching those manuscripts to whomever would listen.  Being graced with youthful good looks only fueled his need.  Hear ye, hear ye, come get a book or two.  My sister also had a need to be heard and subsequently became a drama teacher.  Everyone in my family and my husband's were all English majors of one varietal or another.  School teachers, speech therapists, theater people, writers, educators, editors and poets.  These were our people.   What does any of this have to do with therapy you ask?  Well teens and young adults who are working, studying, creating goals and visions, taking summer school, and getting internships are doing well in this grind we call our economy.  Yet those who lost their motivation during the pandemic have no tools for getting out of bed.  Not a surprise, it all comes back to my favorite intervention: structure.  A daily routine and a nightly routine, and creating a separation between the two is a start.  You can even trick yourself into having structure. But the looming longness of our days seems to have the opposite effect: boredom and then catatonia.  As my yoga teacher says, "set an intention."  Even for the smallest things. You can stretch and grow and make mistakes and still live to tell the tale. Surviving a layoff, a breakup, a bad boss and an office party -- even a pandemic, are all opportunities for learning.  In Burn's book "Feeling Good," the bible of CBT, he simply states that making mistakes is the ONLY way to learn.  And in my favorite Ted Talk, Meg Jay says, your 20's is the time to try things.  How else can you know what you like or don't like?  Again and again young women come to my office or screen saying "I'm afraid/crippled/fearful/paralyzed/triggered that I don't know what I'm supposed to know." How can you know without experience?  How can you get where you're going without trial and error?  I like the expression, you can't blame yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you knew it...  Get outside and keep your body moving. The only way around is through.  Then curl up with a good book and sit a while.

My adolescent clients have been coming in with terrible angst. They are triggered and tested to death. Kids say that school has no meaning because all professors do is “teach to the test.” This was before the pandemic. Now, with online school winding down for the summer, kids and teachers who are high achievers are burnt out (can't focus, can't think, can't move); kids who are low achievers often get inappropriate help, like being muddled into a co-classroom that combines autism with ADD, dyslexia, and mentally ill kids all in one small, unventilated space. My client said she couldn't read because the other kids were screaming.  College students relate that they are anxious about the “cancel culture” and they’re running out of safe activities to do for the summer. My own daughter recently went to visit her college to hang out, just pretending that everything was normal. The worst President in history is sitting on his throne while Gen Z are tallying their college debt and wondering if there will be a job after graduation. They don’t want to work in this gig-economy and their parents have thrown up their hands worrying about what’s next. A perverse kind of relative morality, with lies and deceit perpetrated by this administration, is gaining traction, while doing the right thing and basic decency are a lost art.  I told one of my clients to go volunteer somewhere and he looked at me like I was insane. Kids come in saying their parents are awful. Like a parent who says, I’m going to have another child to give me what you can’t, I’m getting divorced because of you, I’m going to send you away, I’m tired. Or, we will no longer pay your bills if you don’t do something! I had one mom say, looking straight at her daughter in the office, “You’re a 5, but you could be a 10.” I don't think I have ever heard anything so crushing in one fell swoop. Teens and young adults come to therapy alienated, estranged, confused, isolated, lonely, angry, clinically depressed, anxious, avoidant, and socially scared to death. They think their parents’ anxiety is contagious.  They turn to substances, self-harm and self-doubt; they turn to more and more risky behaviors, hoping someone will stop them from becoming utterly numb.  But alas, no one is available. Vaping has become the culprit of some serious if not fatal issues, but keep your eyes on the prize. The underlying causes of self-destructive behavior have not changed.   Here’s what I’ve gleaned: Anxiety and depression, OCD, mood problems and personality disorders have some inheritable characteristics but you can’t “catch” them from your “crazy” parents. Learn to face your fears early and often. If you avoid them you stagnate. Your parents have their own problems. They cannot transmit them to you. Try to grow and learn in ways they can’t. What can divorcing parents do? First and foremost agree that the welfare of the child is paramount. Then it is important for both parents (together if possible) to give the child a framework that is age appropriate to make sense of the divorce. It may be something as simple as, “Mom and Dad cannot live together but we both love you and will continue to take care of you.” The framework statement of course will be much different for a 6-year-old than a 16-year-old child. Explain to the child it is the parent’s choice and it is not their fault. You will have more success if you have this conversation more than once. So before you strangle your kid for his attitude, kill him with kindness and sense the positive outcome. Acknowledge what he or she is going through. A little support goes a long way. Parenting is hard.  Parenting a teen through a divorce and a pandemic deserves a medal. Resources: https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-meditation-anxiety/   https://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Kids-Feeling/dp/0743277120/ref=pd_lpo_14_t_0/144-4455833-9978314?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0743277120&pd_rd_r=28aa9221-c24d-4342-9a0c-4580512e8b3e&pd_rd_w=vpFrE&pd_rd_wg=RyO6U&pf_rd_p=7b36d496-f366-4631-94d3-61b87b52511b&pf_rd_r=VYE3Q30CZ8TXAK73V48H&psc=1&refRID=VYE3Q30CZ8TXAK73V48H   https://www.amazon.com/Why-They-Act-That-Way/dp/1476755574/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=why+do+they+act+that+way&qid=1592860728&sr=8-1

Photo credit: Rosalind Bank It occurred to me the other day that I was laughing with a client because I completely and utterly understood where she was coming from. And then it hit me. No wonder I've been so busy helping my young adult clients overcome anxiety—wait for it—I “have it”, or should I say, “it has me” too! Of course, I have known this for many decades, but that day I had a kind of breakthrough. I can laugh at the insanity of it all. I've been there and done that on almost every occasion. My client Elsa said she was afraid of driving over bridges. Hmm, I don’t have that one. But I do have the one where my husband is driving too fast and I think I’m going to fall into the Hudson River. Then there’s the one where I’m going on a job interview and I think to myself, “OMG, I have gained so much weight since I had kids!” Or my mind goes blank and I forget everything I ever accomplished. Then there was the time my puppy ran across the highway and I had a panic attack. The worst is ruminating. Although I teach clients all day about fight or flight or freeze, I forget that I myself need to take a break from overthinking. When my kids started driving, I gained a new and paralyzing dread that someone would run into them. Add to that health and money worries, and sirens passing by while I’m quietly doing paperwork at home—catastrophizing is my specialty. Like what you are reading? For more stimulating stories, thought-provoking articles and new video announcements, sign up for our monthly newsletter. Self-care is our therapy buzz-word and it works wonders. My friend, a fellow therapist, said I need a spa day. “Do it!” My patient debated the whole day if she should take a “mental health day” from her demanding teaching schedule. “Do it!” Another patient wondered if she should take up journaling again. “Do it!” And the very process of pushing through your fears is instructive; it combats avoidance. My client was afraid to call her doctor for some results. “No problem, do it in my office.” My client was terrified to sleep over at his Dad’s new apartment. “Build up to it.” Once, many years ago, when my mother was dying of cancer, a kind and wonderful boss at Disney.com handed me a laptop and said, “I’ll see you when you’re ready.” Ask for help. Take a small step. All the clichés stacked up to the sky, or, as Annie Lamott says, “Bird by Bird.” The simple catchphrase, “Do it” flows so easily from my mouth—it just doesn’t quite make it to my ears and into my brain. Clients often ask me, “How I can begin to trust my inner voice when all I know is worry.” And I tell them “For one thing, you have a choice. It’s your life. Own it. Take care of it.” It seems to me that people in other countries get more time off to recharge. Only here do we grind ourselves until there’s no more fuel. And, let’s see if we are mislabeling anxiety as something else? If it’s not anxiety then what is it? 1. Anxiety from the past may be triggering a fear of abandonment. My client Mary wants to marry her boyfriend but thinks he might be cheating. She stalks him on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter on an hourly basis, based on her "hunch." She finds nothing but cannot stop her obsession. This is no longer a gut feeling, it's a bad habit, a self-destructive, relationship-bombing behavior that is sure to drive someone away. In this case, although there is no evidence whatsoever that he's a cheater, Mary continues to rely on her false "gut feeling" which only serves to create more anxiety and self-sabotage. Go back to where it’s coming from and try to counter the fear with a more realistic appraisal. 2. Anxiety masks as fear of the unknown. My client Joya wants to go out with a boy from her fraternity, but he is a “player.” When he finally asks her out, she says no based on what her friends have said. The information she has obtained is from the past, and unproven, especially since Joya really likes him. She continues to rely on second-hand information instead of living her own life. She is more afraid of the unknown than finding out the truth about him by using her own judgment. Unknown fears need to be faced, not avoided. Sometimes when I’m driving to a new place, I make it a habit to stop somewhere en route to pick up a treat or run an errand. This makes the unknown into a little adventure. 3. Anxiety is not the same as intuition. Jessica thinks her boyfriend is simultaneously dating someone else. Her so-called intuition is based on patterns and evidence that she has directly observed—he's always late, keeps his phone locked away and acts sneakily. Intuition tells her from observed experience that he is hiding something. Anxiety, fueled by insecurity misguides her into convincing herself that he is doing something wrong and that he will inevitably leave her, instead of leading her to confront him directly. As psychologist David Barlow warns us, “don’t believe everything you think.” “Ask him what's going on instead of making up stories in your head,” I suggest. Test the intuition with objective observation. Your anxiety may have something to tell you. If this sounds tricky, it is. Intuition can be considered a neutral and unemotional experience, whereas fear is highly emotionally charged. Reliable intuition feels right, it has a compassionate, affirming tone to it. It confirms that you are on target, without having an overly positive or negative feel to it. Fear is often anxious, dark or heavy. Take a step back and breathe deeply for a moment. What's the worst that can happen? What part is objective and what part has no business in the present? If it belongs in the past look at what happened. It's over. You are safe now. The only way to separate from rumination is to pause. My last client of the evening recounted her fight with her ex-girlfriend over text. “Please Hannah,” I said, “unplug for just five minutes. Then assess how you feel. You are only feeding the attention-seeking behavior of your ex. Can you step back? What will happen if you just sit quietly?” Can a therapist, this therapist, heal herself? The phone rings, the news blares, and real tragedy rings into our consciousness, implanting itself in vivid living color from a smart TV into our visual field whether we want it or not. I can help my clients not because I’m master of my anxiety and of my fate, but because I’m continuously right there with them. My friend calls and says “Let’s take a walk.” “Yes, I say. Let’s do it, everything else can wait.”   https://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/combatting-anxiety-bird-by-bird Originally published: GoodTherapy.org © 2020 Psychotherapy.net