Search Results

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free! A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly? Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that. WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone. So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!

I am currently running three groups: teen girls, young adult women and 30-something women. The technology is the easy part. Zoom is barely adequate to cover the range of real human emotions during this unprecidented time. Zoom is usually freezing just when I guide the person to be relaxed enough to connect to her inner fears and feelings. Zoom is the easy part.   TEENS The hard parts depend upon which age group you are in. For example, teen girls' biggest complaint? You guessed it: BOREDOM. Sure lots of kids in the 'burbs where I work have many privileges: lessons, country homes, nannies, big backyards. But what of the others? The ones whose parents have double shifts and cannot afford these luxurious freedoms? These kids are in their bedrooms staring at the ceiling. They don't care about gourmet cooking classes or math tutoring or the next iteration of TikTok. Video games, YouTube and snapping is all they have. Day after day they don't leave the house. They don't have vitamin D on their faces and in their retinas. They have screens. This is old news. However, in the pandemic it's a thousand times more isolating. Imagine if you're an quirky kid with one good friend whom you only see at school lunch and now even that is gone? You sit in your room and mope. You feel glued to the bed. You are achy even though you're only 15 years old. You wonder if your friends will even remember you in the fall. You have reversed day and night. This virus is a total rip-off. Time seems to slow down. It's called depression. I can stand on my head over zoom and say pleeeeeeze try bird watching. Just something. But no. And no, they say, "my parents don't believe in medication for depression." The weight of this crisis is crushing our kids. One large, heavy weight right on the chest area. The only thing to do: BREATHE. YOUNG ADULTS For young adults it's even more devastating in some cases. Yes, bored, depressed, anxious, alone, sad, frustrated. There are so many words; none make sense anymore. Just like the words to describe our president, our world, our economy, our environment, our future -- loss and loss of words. The best word is: BROKEN, fractured, polarized. It's getting more complicated for a young adult to launch. One of my kids, having just graduated from a top college, is working from her childhood bedroom. The other is trying to locate an off-campus apartment just to be near school, if not in it. Hard enough to deal with living at home, no money, job, friends, getting a license to drive, going to a restaurant, waiting at the post office, taking classes online. Sure some kids are wonderfully prepared. They have a sunny attitude and they have the main thing that everyone needs right now: MOTIVATION. Reporting from the group of 20-30yo young adults is a different vibe: I'm too anxious/confused/lost to go out, to send an email, to follow-up, (which, in my opinion, is the key to adulting). The group lets them see that we are all struggling. That is a comfort. But some are struggling much more than others.  This is serious. SO they get some free counseling. Then what? PAUSE is their mantra now. And PAUSE sucks. 30-SOMETHINGS Now introduce the 30 year olds. They want to enjoy their kids, or trying to have kids or settling down or traveling or spreading their wings and finding a purpose. This is their developmental GOAL. And yet. Who can say when you can go to vacation, send kids on playdates, go back to work. Some are dying to go back. Some never want to go back. They are tired of sheltering in place. They need a babysitter. Covid is the triple crown of childcare problems: noone in and noone out, just you. And yet, the boss never said you could work whenever you feel like it. Nope. She never did. I see my neighbors down the block running tag-team, lap-tops outside while kids bike by back and forth, wheeeee! They have no free time; they look like zombies. Time itself is fleeting, receeding back to where we cannot plan even if we're planners.  My advise? Stay CALM and KEEP it day to day. This is the only control there is. And also, smell the flowers.

girl stretching Navigating the teenage years can be a rough journey, especially when anxiety becomes a frequent companion. As a parent, it’s essential to understand this challenge to provide support and foster an environment where emotions can be shared openly. With anxiety rates among teens rising, with a reported increase of 25% in anxiety symptoms from 2011 to 2021, recognizing and dealing with these issues is more important than ever. Anxiety can show up in various ways—from worries about grades and social situations to feelings of loneliness. My work with teens facing these challenges has taught me valuable lessons that can assist you as a parent. Understanding Teen Anxiety It's normal for teens to experience some degree of anxiety, but distinguishing between typical feelings and more serious issues is vital. For instance, I met a girl who struggled intensely with anxiety about her school performance. She felt sick to her stomach before every math test, fearing failure. This vivid example illustrates how anxiety can infiltrate everyday life and impact relationships. Delving into the root causes of anxiety is a key step toward addressing it effectively. Studies show that 70% of teens report feeling stressed by academic pressures. Other sources of anxiety include peer relationships, social media influence, and high parental expectations. Being mindful of these factors can help foster understanding. For example, I had a client who failed her chemistry final - she was upset not because of her grade, but because others could see her crying outside the bathroom at school! Kids actually feel that they are being watched all the time! (Are they?) I try to work with: "who cares?!" in this situation. Seriously, everyone is so worked up about their own troubles, why would they notice you? The Signs of Anxiety Identifying anxiety in teens can be difficult but doesn't have to be. What's fascinating is that some teens can handle it just fine. During college, my boyfriend at the time once took apart a car (my car!!) and put it back together again - then also got straight A's in college by never, and I mean never, studying! Others are so demanding and hypercritical of themselves that they are paralyzed and stuck in procrastination loops. At some point, you gotta just "do it." They might not communicate their feelings directly but instead show changes in behavior, such as my favorite non-coping mechanism: avoidance. Avoidance does nothing for you but intensify anxiety. From my experience, typical signs include: Increased irritability or mood swings Withdrawal from social interactions Unusual sleep patterns, either insomnia or oversleeping Trouble concentrating on schoolwork or tasks Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches without clear medical reasons If you see any of these signs in your child, consider initiating a gentle conversation about their feelings. Creating a trusting and non-judgmental space encourages them to share their worries. In these cases, I often work with the idea of "thought choice/stopping." You have a choice in each moment how to act and what to do. No one ever told me this; I thought I was doomed to anxious thoughts. Pick and choose your worries. Open Communication Maintaining open communication is one of the best tools for addressing teen anxiety. I learned that a non-confrontational environment - but even more so - an actively supportive environment - invites teens to express their emotions (especially if you use humor). ("What's the worst that could happen?"). Jon Haight says they need more free play - of course! I love hearing the kids in my neighborhood play. That carefree world of going home at dusk is over - but the freedom to make mistakes is still around... Instead of "stranger danger," says Haight, monitor their phones, not their street cred. One client said she was terrified letting her child go to the city alone. Go and rescue him, or let him sort it out? My child missed the last train - go and rescue her or make her take an expensive Uber?! Tough one. If determined to be safe, marinating in the consequences of bad judgment teaches some great life-long lessons indeed. Tools for Managing Anxiety Here are some practical strategies to help your teen manage anxiety effectively: Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques : Activities such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can be effective in reducing anxiety. Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided sessions that can introduce these practices seamlessly into your teen's routine. Physical Activity : Encourage your teen to find physical activities they enjoy, whether it’s team sports, dance, or just walking. Regular exercise has been shown to lower anxiety levels significantly, contributing to improved mental health. Creative Outlets : Encourage artistic expressions like drawing, music, or writing. Engaging in these activities can provide a constructive way for teens to process their feelings. Limit Media Consumption : The constant flow of news and social media can escalate anxiety. Encourage limited screen time to help your teen disconnect from triggers and focus on their mental health. Seek Professional Help When Needed : If anxiety continues or worsens, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional. Early help can lead to effective coping strategies that assist your teen in managing anxiety long-term. Support Networks Building a reliable support network is crucial for your child's mental health. Encourage them to engage with friends who uplift them and to participate in clubs or activities that reflect their interests. Getting involved in community groups—whether through sports, art classes, or academic clubs—can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and anxiety. These connections promote a sense of belonging and are invaluable during challenging times. Always remind your teen that leaning on friends is natural and often necessary. A peaceful space for reflection and relaxation. Final Thoughts Addressing teen anxiety is a complex journey, but with the right tools and strategies, you can empower your child to face their feelings head-on. By fostering open communication, teaching coping skills, and encouraging strong connections, you can make a significant difference in your teen's ability to manage their anxiety. Remember, many parents share similar experiences and challenges. With understanding and compassion, we can create nurturing environments for our teens, allowing them to grow and thrive. Your active involvement is key to helping prevent panic and building resilience in your child's life. Let’s navigate this path together, supporting our teens every step of the way. (Try my course for more insights!)

When my books flooded I was of course devastated.  Most of these I have duplicated on my kindle already.  But who can read anymore?  Lack of concentration, old age, pandemic languishing, check, check and check.  Growing up surrounded by books, I never took them for granted.  From the earliest age, I could remember the glee of receiving a box from the Bantam bestseller list every month.  My father worked in the industry when it was glamorous, like Mad Men.  My parents had those same floral prints on their clothes and couches during the 70's.  I think for a minute they were a power couple.  Now publishing is an outpost of top authors and die hards but most of us don't read.  I tried to listen to a book recently -- too many distractions.  Savoring the hard won inner journey of devouring a good novel is one of life's greatest joys.   And yet as the industry tanked, so did our family.   The books stopped coming when my father took off for a venture into film which never quite accelerated, after some brief successes.  As the world turned digital, I embraced it. My father did not.  He's read more than anyone I know and doesn't even wear glasses in his old age.  I guess denying your age has its benefits.  But denying that your whole industry has disappeared is not so helpful.  My best girlfriend realized her business of menswear clothing design was vanishing so she shifted gears to social work, of all things. But not my dad.  The books were his lifeblood.  How can you toss a book?  Truly.  Only a person of brazen lack of self-regard could treat books this way. Books made you smart.  I once offered my daughter $200 to read The Hobbit . The arrogance and narcissism and mood swings around my father continued to swirl from coast to coast, legendary book man that he was -- now flirting with girls half his age out of Bryn Mawr -- wannabe copy editors and such, he thought he was still in the game long after it was over.  Like Willy Loman he just kept pitching those manuscripts to whomever would listen.  Being graced with youthful good looks only fueled his need.  Hear ye, hear ye, come get a book or two.  My sister also had a need to be heard and subsequently became a drama teacher.  Everyone in my family and my husband's were all English majors of one varietal or another.  School teachers, speech therapists, theater people, writers, educators, editors and poets.  These were our people.   What does any of this have to do with therapy you ask?  Well teens and young adults who are working, studying, creating goals and visions, taking summer school, and getting internships are doing well in this grind we call our economy.  Yet those who lost their motivation during the pandemic have no tools for getting out of bed.  Not a surprise, it all comes back to my favorite intervention: structure.  A daily routine and a nightly routine, and creating a separation between the two is a start.  You can even trick yourself into having structure. But the looming longness of our days seems to have the opposite effect: boredom and then catatonia.  As my yoga teacher says, "set an intention."  Even for the smallest things. You can stretch and grow and make mistakes and still live to tell the tale. Surviving a layoff, a breakup, a bad boss and an office party -- even a pandemic, are all opportunities for learning.  In Burn's book "Feeling Good," the bible of CBT, he simply states that making mistakes is the ONLY way to learn.  And in my favorite Ted Talk, Meg Jay says, your 20's is the time to try things.  How else can you know what you like or don't like?  Again and again young women come to my office or screen saying "I'm afraid/crippled/fearful/paralyzed/triggered that I don't know what I'm supposed to know." How can you know without experience?  How can you get where you're going without trial and error?  I like the expression, you can't blame yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you knew it...  Get outside and keep your body moving. The only way around is through.  Then curl up with a good book and sit a while.

My adolescent clients have been coming in with terrible angst. They are triggered and tested to death. Kids say that school has no meaning because all professors do is “teach to the test.” This was before the pandemic. Now, with online school winding down for the summer, kids and teachers who are high achievers are burnt out (can't focus, can't think, can't move); kids who are low achievers often get inappropriate help, like being muddled into a co-classroom that combines autism with ADD, dyslexia, and mentally ill kids all in one small, unventilated space. My client said she couldn't read because the other kids were screaming.  College students relate that they are anxious about the “cancel culture” and they’re running out of safe activities to do for the summer. My own daughter recently went to visit her college to hang out, just pretending that everything was normal. The worst President in history is sitting on his throne while Gen Z are tallying their college debt and wondering if there will be a job after graduation. They don’t want to work in this gig-economy and their parents have thrown up their hands worrying about what’s next. A perverse kind of relative morality, with lies and deceit perpetrated by this administration, is gaining traction, while doing the right thing and basic decency are a lost art.  I told one of my clients to go volunteer somewhere and he looked at me like I was insane. Kids come in saying their parents are awful. Like a parent who says, I’m going to have another child to give me what you can’t, I’m getting divorced because of you, I’m going to send you away, I’m tired. Or, we will no longer pay your bills if you don’t do something! I had one mom say, looking straight at her daughter in the office, “You’re a 5, but you could be a 10.” I don't think I have ever heard anything so crushing in one fell swoop. Teens and young adults come to therapy alienated, estranged, confused, isolated, lonely, angry, clinically depressed, anxious, avoidant, and socially scared to death. They think their parents’ anxiety is contagious.  They turn to substances, self-harm and self-doubt; they turn to more and more risky behaviors, hoping someone will stop them from becoming utterly numb.  But alas, no one is available. Vaping has become the culprit of some serious if not fatal issues, but keep your eyes on the prize. The underlying causes of self-destructive behavior have not changed.   Here’s what I’ve gleaned: Anxiety and depression, OCD, mood problems and personality disorders have some inheritable characteristics but you can’t “catch” them from your “crazy” parents. Learn to face your fears early and often. If you avoid them you stagnate. Your parents have their own problems. They cannot transmit them to you. Try to grow and learn in ways they can’t. What can divorcing parents do? First and foremost agree that the welfare of the child is paramount. Then it is important for both parents (together if possible) to give the child a framework that is age appropriate to make sense of the divorce. It may be something as simple as, “Mom and Dad cannot live together but we both love you and will continue to take care of you.” The framework statement of course will be much different for a 6-year-old than a 16-year-old child. Explain to the child it is the parent’s choice and it is not their fault. You will have more success if you have this conversation more than once. So before you strangle your kid for his attitude, kill him with kindness and sense the positive outcome. Acknowledge what he or she is going through. A little support goes a long way. Parenting is hard.  Parenting a teen through a divorce and a pandemic deserves a medal. Resources: https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-meditation-anxiety/   https://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Kids-Feeling/dp/0743277120/ref=pd_lpo_14_t_0/144-4455833-9978314?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0743277120&pd_rd_r=28aa9221-c24d-4342-9a0c-4580512e8b3e&pd_rd_w=vpFrE&pd_rd_wg=RyO6U&pf_rd_p=7b36d496-f366-4631-94d3-61b87b52511b&pf_rd_r=VYE3Q30CZ8TXAK73V48H&psc=1&refRID=VYE3Q30CZ8TXAK73V48H   https://www.amazon.com/Why-They-Act-That-Way/dp/1476755574/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=why+do+they+act+that+way&qid=1592860728&sr=8-1

Photo credit: Rosalind Bank It occurred to me the other day that I was laughing with a client because I completely and utterly understood where she was coming from. And then it hit me. No wonder I've been so busy helping my young adult clients overcome anxiety—wait for it—I “have it”, or should I say, “it has me” too! Of course, I have known this for many decades, but that day I had a kind of breakthrough. I can laugh at the insanity of it all. I've been there and done that on almost every occasion. My client Elsa said she was afraid of driving over bridges. Hmm, I don’t have that one. But I do have the one where my husband is driving too fast and I think I’m going to fall into the Hudson River. Then there’s the one where I’m going on a job interview and I think to myself, “OMG, I have gained so much weight since I had kids!” Or my mind goes blank and I forget everything I ever accomplished. Then there was the time my puppy ran across the highway and I had a panic attack. The worst is ruminating. Although I teach clients all day about fight or flight or freeze, I forget that I myself need to take a break from overthinking. When my kids started driving, I gained a new and paralyzing dread that someone would run into them. Add to that health and money worries, and sirens passing by while I’m quietly doing paperwork at home—catastrophizing is my specialty. Like what you are reading? For more stimulating stories, thought-provoking articles and new video announcements, sign up for our monthly newsletter. Self-care is our therapy buzz-word and it works wonders. My friend, a fellow therapist, said I need a spa day. “Do it!” My patient debated the whole day if she should take a “mental health day” from her demanding teaching schedule. “Do it!” Another patient wondered if she should take up journaling again. “Do it!” And the very process of pushing through your fears is instructive; it combats avoidance. My client was afraid to call her doctor for some results. “No problem, do it in my office.” My client was terrified to sleep over at his Dad’s new apartment. “Build up to it.” Once, many years ago, when my mother was dying of cancer, a kind and wonderful boss at Disney.com handed me a laptop and said, “I’ll see you when you’re ready.” Ask for help. Take a small step. All the clichés stacked up to the sky, or, as Annie Lamott says, “Bird by Bird.” The simple catchphrase, “Do it” flows so easily from my mouth—it just doesn’t quite make it to my ears and into my brain. Clients often ask me, “How I can begin to trust my inner voice when all I know is worry.” And I tell them “For one thing, you have a choice. It’s your life. Own it. Take care of it.” It seems to me that people in other countries get more time off to recharge. Only here do we grind ourselves until there’s no more fuel. And, let’s see if we are mislabeling anxiety as something else? If it’s not anxiety then what is it? 1. Anxiety from the past may be triggering a fear of abandonment. My client Mary wants to marry her boyfriend but thinks he might be cheating. She stalks him on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter on an hourly basis, based on her "hunch." She finds nothing but cannot stop her obsession. This is no longer a gut feeling, it's a bad habit, a self-destructive, relationship-bombing behavior that is sure to drive someone away. In this case, although there is no evidence whatsoever that he's a cheater, Mary continues to rely on her false "gut feeling" which only serves to create more anxiety and self-sabotage. Go back to where it’s coming from and try to counter the fear with a more realistic appraisal. 2. Anxiety masks as fear of the unknown. My client Joya wants to go out with a boy from her fraternity, but he is a “player.” When he finally asks her out, she says no based on what her friends have said. The information she has obtained is from the past, and unproven, especially since Joya really likes him. She continues to rely on second-hand information instead of living her own life. She is more afraid of the unknown than finding out the truth about him by using her own judgment. Unknown fears need to be faced, not avoided. Sometimes when I’m driving to a new place, I make it a habit to stop somewhere en route to pick up a treat or run an errand. This makes the unknown into a little adventure. 3. Anxiety is not the same as intuition. Jessica thinks her boyfriend is simultaneously dating someone else. Her so-called intuition is based on patterns and evidence that she has directly observed—he's always late, keeps his phone locked away and acts sneakily. Intuition tells her from observed experience that he is hiding something. Anxiety, fueled by insecurity misguides her into convincing herself that he is doing something wrong and that he will inevitably leave her, instead of leading her to confront him directly. As psychologist David Barlow warns us, “don’t believe everything you think.” “Ask him what's going on instead of making up stories in your head,” I suggest. Test the intuition with objective observation. Your anxiety may have something to tell you. If this sounds tricky, it is. Intuition can be considered a neutral and unemotional experience, whereas fear is highly emotionally charged. Reliable intuition feels right, it has a compassionate, affirming tone to it. It confirms that you are on target, without having an overly positive or negative feel to it. Fear is often anxious, dark or heavy. Take a step back and breathe deeply for a moment. What's the worst that can happen? What part is objective and what part has no business in the present? If it belongs in the past look at what happened. It's over. You are safe now. The only way to separate from rumination is to pause. My last client of the evening recounted her fight with her ex-girlfriend over text. “Please Hannah,” I said, “unplug for just five minutes. Then assess how you feel. You are only feeding the attention-seeking behavior of your ex. Can you step back? What will happen if you just sit quietly?” Can a therapist, this therapist, heal herself? The phone rings, the news blares, and real tragedy rings into our consciousness, implanting itself in vivid living color from a smart TV into our visual field whether we want it or not. I can help my clients not because I’m master of my anxiety and of my fate, but because I’m continuously right there with them. My friend calls and says “Let’s take a walk.” “Yes, I say. Let’s do it, everything else can wait.”   https://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/combatting-anxiety-bird-by-bird Originally published: GoodTherapy.org © 2020 Psychotherapy.net

Several of my clients were talking about change.  Hard to leave college.  Hard to make friends.  Hard to find a job, live at home and not know what you want to be when you grow-up.  They were all young adult women ages 20-30 and they felt they were supposed to know already. While evidence now shows that our brains aren’t fully formed until the age of 25, (and a two-year lag for boys), we expect a lot of our young adults.  The pressure to succeed is more intense than ever: an economy for the rich and famous.  Excluding everyone else.  So if you’re an average kid from an average town chances are you didn’t get many breaks.  At least not yet.  To seize your 20’s says Meg Jay ( http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20?language=en ) can be extremely empowering.  Not the throw-away years but the make-it-or-break-it years.  I mean emotionally. When I finished college I lived for six months in my Grandmother’s apartment in Queens.  It was a dark time.  First my car was broken into.  Then my wallet swiped on the subway.  Then a deepening depression.  My parents had divorced when I was 15 and I had postponed the grief process until that moment, too busy trying to be a teenager, then a young adult to make time for the loss.  I was consumed with boyfriends of a most serious nature.  I was popular and good at school and sports.  Now after college there was nothing.  Without friends or school I had no idea where to go or what to do.  Though I had my parents’ support, I felt lost and alone.  I had also just broken up with my boyfriend.  Or rather, the other way around.  Because I graduated a semester early, I lost a critical piece of closure that haunts me to this day.  That was the first of my several young adult mistakes.  It would be years until I got my bearings again.  Only to plunge into yet another stormy relationship that ended poorly, usually involving me thinking the world had ended.  At that time, nobody, not even my super emotionally intelligent mom used the words anxiety or depression, even though looking back it was so obvious.  I think a bit of prozac might have gone a long way after college.  Still.   So when these girls started repeating the same thing in therapy I said, “Why not form a group so we don’t have to repeat ourselves?”  I was skeptical because of scheduling, not because of my group skills.  I had done groups many times.  Groups for refugees navigating the healthcare system in NYC; Groups for MS patients; Groups for parents in court-mandated custody litigation; Online Community Groups and Groups for Leukemia patients and their families all over the US.  But this was different because it sprung out of an organic need: the need to connect, belong, socialize and be understood by so many young women, all in it together, though they had never met. These were all college types, middle-class from mixed ethnic backgrounds.  All had found college to be too excessive either academically or alcoholically.  All had chosen a slightly different path from nursing school to community college to hard work at a restaurant or bar.  None (but one) had found true love yet, and all were struggling financially.  The most repeated topic was: he never called me back.  The next biggest topics were: how to talk to parents, money, divorce, relationships, sexuality, identity and betrayal.  And finally, texting or “talking” to someone who was perfectly capable of sending pictures of his penis but equally incapable of making a time or date to meet.  Hook-ups would be no problem.  Girls, Guys, hooking-up.   Call me old fashioned but these young women thought it sucked.  There was not one among them who wanted anything other than a committed relationship or a “steady” “boyfriend.”  But if you’re 25 and emotionally 23, plus struggling to become independent in a bad economy (read: the rich got richer), and he’s 26 and developmentally 24, and, he lacks the frontal lobe executive function called “planning,” what do you think you get?  Nothing.  That’s right.  A text, a sext and a hook-up.  No more, no less.  Where were the normal guys?! As time went on, I continued to marvel at how every man they chose (or who chose them) couldn’t pick up the phone.  I’m told by my feisty 16 year old that this cannot be true of all men.  I am no feminist, but pick up the phone, man!  More often it was dwindling “talking” by text and then radio silence.  This went for before and after hook-ups, dates, meetings or outings.  A brief text, then dead.  “He deaded me” is even a thing.  It seemed these young men had no obligation to commit to anything, ever.  I can imagine them at work telling their bosses, “maybe I’ll hit you up at the meeting later.  Or maybe not.”  And I’m sure they didn’t get through college by “maybe attending” a class/maybe not.  These girls were miserable.   Hook ups left you feeling empty.  Like Lena Dunham on “Girls,” the Millenium mood was dark grey, cynical, entitled but ultimately lacking any vestige of charm. The topics were savory at first but soon catapulted into deeper territory.  We had loves and losses, sex and abortion, “day drinking” and bondage.  But none was more ultimately empty than just being dumped with no explanation.  While the guy trotted off to his next exploit, these young women were left holding the bag, wondering in the absence of any language what the hell they did wrong.  Beating themselves to a pulp for an answer made for crippling self-esteem issues, distraction from school/work and a conclusion that never-ending failure would be the norm.  Their friends getting married on facebook, what other conclusion was there?  My job was to support the process (key in social work oriented therapy), inject cbt-type strategies such as thought restructuring or decreasing negative self-talk, and acceptance such as “be here now” and dbt relaxation into what is, without judgment.  Also of course I could provide my own life lessons on loss, maturity, patience and resilience.  (God knows I had ample material). The best gift I was able to give as a therapist to young adult women was freedom from anxiety.  Concepts I employed consisted of: anxiety won’t kill you. whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. you have a choice whether or not to be anxious. the things you worry about rarely happen. (other things happen) you cannot control everything. stuff always comes up. you can handle it by tolerating it. revving up doesn’t make you accomplish more; it makes you careless. worry is a waste of time (do you want your surgeon to be worried?) worry eats up mental space better used for more productive hobbies. panic attacks are not heart attacks. no one ever died from a panic attack. we have outgrown fight or flight but our brains haven’t. anxiety is like a bad habit. anxiety will pass. What I found as their therapist was that these women longed for meaning while the men they encountered wanted anything but.   I also heard that men’s binge drinking on campus, date rape/sexual assault and frat-sickening hazing behavior was at an all-time high.  Paying all that money and piling up debt and then to come out with a degree in alcoholism was just sad to me.  Nothing too new, but sad nonetheless.  Colleges seemed to be wracked with scandal and suicide.  (See Dartmouth and Stony Brook in recent articles).  So I joined the board of directors of my old College Counseling program to see if I could make a difference.     When young women drink to excess they get taken advantage of however mature they appear.  When young men drink too much they often become aggressive and destructive.  Men on campus drink on average of 9 beers per week.  (Female students tend to consume 4 drinks per week versus male students, who drink more than double the amount at 9 drinks a week.  Persons become at-risk drinkers , or those most likely to become alcoholic, when the number of drinks per week climb. In at-risk women, the number of drinks per week is 7 per week; for men the number is 14).  I felt bad that with so little self-esteem they could permit themselves to tolerate really abusive situations.  However, when as a therapist you let go of trying to “fix,” of course good things come your way.  Back to the books and Yalom and process to realize it was enough that the other group members told them “stop!”  We care about you.  You are worth it. Using Group Work Principles - Process  I wanted to rush to go deeper; I wasn’t satisfied but they were.  They kept it casual until one more emotional evening triggered the next.  I made sure everyone got a turn to vent.  When I tried to structure, they resisted.  Like all successful groups, they began to govern themselves.  We made a rule of confidentiality of course but did not restrict social media and outside socializing.  In some circles, this could be considered risky or even wrong.  However, why would I want to restrict them if these were the only friends they might have on earth right now. Group Composition -  Morgan was a pretty and shapely young lady who had experienced it all in high school and was now looking for something deeper from life.  She had a string of low-life boyfriends, none of whom could follow through on anything.  She couldn’t understand the repetition of this pattern until she was forced to confront what she wanted; not what he wanted.  Reminded that her father left when she was young, she realized she was only searching for him, not something better…  Ultimately she found greater confidence and could stand alone. Larissa was bright and lively, having just broken off with a very serious college relationship.  Lost and confused she wondered what was next.  With all the pressure she endured in her young life from succeeding in top schools to watching her parent’s divorce and change values, she ended up re-evaluating her own ideas of commitment and deciding it was she who wasn’t quite ready…  She ended up finding a mature boyfriend who treated her right. Jayne was the oldest member, newlywed but estranged from her family due to their radically conservative ideas about life, religion, and family values.  Jayne discovered through group that while she was an “outsider” she could find comfort in her new group family.  Her goal was to stop beating herself up for leaving the old family and accept her new direction, as painful as that might be…  She found peace in being a free-thinker, unlike her family of origin. Casey was a gorgeous, hard-driving young woman from a large immigrant family that put her needs last.  She spent most of her 20’s with a man that treated her as second-class, reinforcing her self-doubt and resentment of herself and her relationships.  Through the group she could use her outspoken anger to channel some changes and personal growth and vow that living alone was better than living in fear…  Finally she shed some of her defensive facade to relax into whatever might come. Deanna was from a strict middle-class family who didn’t understand their daughter’s need to expand her life.  They kept her close and allowed little.  She spent her college years working in her room and going out with a small circle of friends.  She wanted something more but had no idea how to get there.  Through the group, the one who was too shy to talk, Deanna found her voice…  She decided to meet some new people and expanded her circle immensely. Robin was a hard working, attractive young adult who found going from college to work a bit of a shock.  Suddenly everything was regimented and her freedom was gone.  Being an adult was hard work.  Saving money and living at home was demanding and exhausting, and her body was adjusting to the new routine.  Her old boyfriends became nothing but immature jerks after she passed them by in every way…  Eventually she got medical help to become stronger in her daily life. A newer member, Joy, at first seemed like she couldn’t express herself at all, but soon began to blossom.  Painfully shy and stuck after a very pressured college experience, she had no idea what to do next.  She felt incredible expectations from her family yet they insisted there were none.  Not knowing where to turn, the group gave her a safety net for the profound sense of confusion as to who she was and what she would become, a common trap for 20-somethings…  With the group’s support, she achieved the courage to apply to graduate school. Marina came and left but had a deep impact on the group with her soulful way and seeking something different than college life.  She wanted to work and be independent as quickly as possible but her rock-star boyfriend and her random panic attacks kept getting in the way.  Soon she found she must put herself first if she was to succeed.  After brief therapy and anti-anxiety medication, she was on her way…  She only stayed a short while but made a commitment to taking better care of herself. Bethany was a pretty, old-fashioned young adult who still kept stuffed animals and slept next to her sister.  She hated frat boys and beer pong and wanted to find her way through college without randomly hooking-up.  Each guy she met was more unreliable than the last.  Often they would pursue her and then drop her without explanation.  Trying to make sense of it put her into a spiral.  She was exasperated…  After things calmed down she found it more peaceful to simply be alone. Jocelyn didn’t stay long in the group.  She recently discovered she was bi-sexual and began dating a series of girls whom her parents frowned upon.  She also had an extremely debilitating medical problem along with depression about which her parents hardly understood.  She was in all this alone at the age of 24…  Group forced her out of isolation, the first step. Therapist’s Point of View- As the “core group” began to solidify I worried a lot if I was being effective and compulsively tried to “deepen” the conversation.  As I began to relax they were able to tell me that they liked the group just the way it was.  Just talking, venting and sharing, taking turns.  It soon became clear that my need to control and get it right, and my own insecurities still plaguing me after all these years of experience, were beside the point.  The group had sustained itself.  Nevertheless, the interventions I made were to reinforce the shared group experience, the universal nature of the 20-something experience, and the repetition that anxiety was normative given these conditions.  I also increasingly pushed the more reticent members to link up their past with their present, thus gaining insight for the first time.  Finally, I was “motherly” in that I could see, from where I sat, that life would ultimately deal them their share of traumas, yet I knew they could withstand it with the appropriate support.   I was in a therapy support group at that age with a strange, worldly character who influenced me greatly at the time.  We used to do weekend “marathons” ending with a feast from his Turkish wife.  I recall the benefits but also the tragedy years later when I found out that some of us got worse instead of better.  Life deals you certain cards.  I can only guide and witness and let go.  I know I’m a good therapist now not because I’m a nice lady but because the skills of communication are subtle.  And becoming more silent in my own mind is essential.   On the last several Tuesdays the women were dwindling down and I thought maybe the group is over.  But the following week, we were back to 7 and going around.  I do want them to interact more but they seem to feel safe just spewing.  They are lively, insightful, dynamic, shy, overwhelmed, scared and lonely, by turns.  I remember those days.  Wouldn’t even want them back. Hook-Up Hell and Other Tales: A Year in the Life of a 20-Something Support Group Originally Published in Journal "GROUP" by, Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R  @2015 copyright

I kept away from trauma treatment for a long time; I thought it would make me depressed. Yet now that we're in a pandemic, I decided to dive in.  More and more of my clients were presenting with symptoms of PTSD. Thanks to the pioneer Bessel Van Der Kolk we have a model for trauma treatment that finally makes sense. Rather than just reciting the trauma, with the real danger of re-triggering the client, we take it slow as molasses until the client is ready to reveal their trauma story.  They can only do this when they feel SAFE.  Once I discovered yoga, I understood why this made sense. I came to yoga close to 20 years ago because of sciatica pain all the way down my leg.  No other remedy helped.  And believe me I tried.  But it was yoga that CURED it.  Again and again yoga gave me benefits I could never have imagined.  It's not about the workout.  It's about quieting your mind IN SYNC with your body.  It's that simple.  You have to do it over and over to see that yoga contains an inherent truth: The Body Keeps the Score.  This seminal book, which shot up the best seller list during COVID, instructs us to RELAX the breath/body and the mood will follow.  It could have been called the mood cure for our time.  For therapists who are afraid of body work, don't be.  You can stop the session to help the client prevent "flooding" or send them home with simple videos for rest, restoration, self-care, yoga, and meditation. Right now you can do a neck roll or legs up the wall or a child's pose and feel the benefits. What else do you know that gives you such instant gratification, and is free too! Did I have trauma?  I never thought so.  I had lots of losses, bouts of depression and up and down anxiety, but trauma?  Well it turns out I did.  The pain I was holding in my body was unlocking and I was scared.  I cried.  But release I did.  The major trauma of my childhood, my parent's divorce, had followed me into every relationship. The fear of abandonment governed my decisions, and my sciatica came back.  Slowly slowly I worked it out. According to the book Stolen Tomorrows I realized that my patients with histories of sexual abuse were going to take a lot more time.  After all, how could I not educate myself about this pressing issue while working with young adult females during the #metoo era?  Stories kept coming.  And the book says, for every major developmental milestone that a girl missed (or a boy) as a teen and young adult during the time the abuse took place, that's how long it will take to undo it, and go back and reintegrate the missing years.  Wow.  And it worked.  My first trauma client (a social worker!) sat with her discomfort for a year.  She brought her mother in at last, and laid the blame at her feet.  It went well.  The mother took it in.  She tried and they cried a lot.  The girl made boundaries for her abuser and continued to do therapy and body work, moved away and formed her first successful adult relationship.  She told me she would never forget the moment when I simply said, can you sit with that?  That was the beginning of un-freezing. Here are some of the incredible insights from the trauma training with Van Der Kolk.  See if it fits and see yourself as healing on a journey.  It's your life. 1. Physical helplessness 2. Left hemisphere goes off line 3. What is the thought from before -- cognitive flashback 4. Whole body trauma story comes at the end 5. Brain set to see danger 6. Wake yourself up to the feelings in your body 7. Split off parts of yourself (longing to be touched - exiled bc it was your fault) 8. Dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is off line - this connects the past to the present 9. You can regulate yourself 10. You cannot analyze yourself out of it 11. Notice without reacting - prefrontal cortex 12. Can't go into the trauma until person can look inside herself  13. Make the memory of the trauma go to the past (not exposure) but feeling safe again 14. Repetition compulsion to repeat the trauma 15. Educate the primitive brain to come into the present (calm down/tapping/breathing/yoga) 16. Open up the heart to self-compassion Right now we endure fires, hurricanes and viruses, war veterans, genocides, starvation and systemic racism from a leader who failed to lead, a failure of basic empathy.  We must try to help our clients overcome existential fear with gentle understanding and wisdom from inside - the demand is greater than ever...

**photo credit: Rosalind Bank I get it, you get it.  For me it only started when my kids began driving.  While I'm sitting in my peaceful suburban bubble working away, the dulcet sounds of drilling and leaf blowers have been a mainstay.  That piercing sound that goes right through your soul is something I continue to be startled by but not wrecked by.  Now take two lovely teenage girls and put them in a car for the first time.  That anxiety of a crash, a siren, a sharp crack of the breaks down the road, metal on metal, now that gets my attention.  I can no longer work.  My body is in a state of massive shut down, sweat drips from my temples uncontrollably as I visualize some morbid tragedy and some kid, my kid, making a bad decision.  My stomach is weak and I'm trembling.  My breathe is shallow and scared.   All of this is fight, flight or freeze.  I know plenty about it.  Primitive echoes of how to protect oneself from a saber toothed tiger.  Totally unnecessary to the current situation.  My heart is pounding outside of my body.  I feel I might collapse.  I use the wait ten minutes rule.  And voila, I recognize that I have lost touch with reality for about a second, but I am not going crazy, schizophrenic, heart attack or utter collapse.  I have my breathe to bring me back home.  I wait. It's fun working with panic, anxiety and even anger because the relief is in the moment.  Teen and young adults who have little experience regulating themselves can teach themselves to do it!  A little meditation, the Calm App, a moment of pause, legs up the wall, a walk around the block, a hot shower, a cup of tea, some lavender oil, a quick call to a friend.  You can do this and so can I. Creating space to pause is the method.  Probably invented by Yogis 5,000 years ago through prayer and meditation, your mind becomes quieter.  It stops telling you you're no good.  It just lets you rest, restore, relax, be yourself, calm down and reset.  But I need my anxiety to get things done, people say.  No, not so much. Last night I was speaking with a young couple over zoom of course.  I first reinforced how loving they seemed and helped the man to accept that talking was OK and that he was doing a great job of supporting his partner.  Then she described that when she gets frustrated/unheard she goes from zero to 60 in ten seconds.  Then she starts getting flooded and cannot control herself, starts hitting and punching whatever is in her way.  This is the child's response to "NO." When I asked her if that sync-ed up with her childhood experience it was there in living color. Her parents were not patient with her as a child and it left her feeling other/different/disrespected.  Like instead of making any effort to understand their child, they simply dismissed her.  Now when her boyfriend casually dismisses her she becomes enraged. Just like with anxiety, you can slow your roll.  I asked her what that would look like and asked her boyfriend to help her with it.  Now they have a plan to practice.  We also mentioned the Imago Dialogue which is helpful in getting to understanding.   When Israeli commando pilots were in Europe on missions a psychologist did a famous experiment.  Instead of counting their flights from 1 to 40, they tried counting down from 40 to 1.  What a difference perception makes.  What we see as stuck now becomes something more squarely in our control.   So keep your cool.  Calm is the way to get things done.  Trust me, I've been working at this longer than you have.

***Photo Credit: Rebecca Weston Corona Times Every day my phone rings, a parent calling for their 13 yo daughter with depression; or a young adult asking about therapy for isolation/anxiety.  What is going on?  My head has been in my phone for so many months that my eyes hurt.  Each day I'm doom-scrolling or looking for a headline that says, we can exhale from the Trump Trauma.  It's quarantine, it's covid, it's remote learning, it's kids in bubbles, it's parents losing jobs/sanity, it's a leader without a map, it's groundhog day, it's getting colder/darker.   At last we see a ray of hope as a society but will we heal in time for my kid to finish college in some decent, meaningful way?  And what about all her friends?  Who are we in this fractured time? Why are so many kids showing up with depression/suicide?  My patient who just identified as gay said the night before the election, "I just want my rights, ya know?"  We hear about the screens - the screens don't help.  But I'm not anti-technology.  I'm all for what tech can do for us, like cure covid and organize my desktop. Unlike that muddle of a movie the Social Dilemma, we can accomplish great things with advances in AI.  Technology can even swing a state -- if only we could send truthful messages.  When a Narcissist is POTUS we do fear for our security.  Unpredictability and provocation are part of his game.  Most people don't live in a nonsensical world of lies.  We also know about the isolation that is 2020.  Obviously isolation is no good for anyone.  I see kids who manage to keep their structure and kids who don't.  I found a quote in a therapy magazine I thought was perfect: "Dividing up your day is an important thing to do.  When the temporal structure breaks down, we break down." My point is that there is something far more malignant than the President himself.  Our kids are losing their motivation.  They told me they feel PARANOID to go out and they are agonized about losing time in their quest to move toward independence, the GOAL of young adulthood. They are despairing that not only is their future bleak but their identity will be wiped away, "poof" as one client said, in a wave of hatred.  Is this how we want them to live?  Latched to their homes without ever launching?  I used to talk about failure to launch.  Now it's failure to go anywhere.  You see some of my clients have adapted.  Adaptation to working from your bedroom is a good thing.  But some have not.  These kids are now exhibiting symptoms of social breakdown .  When you're 19 and you can only go out once a month to sit on a blanket with a friend things are real bad.  Of course they are busting out.  What else are they going to do?  So the next time you think about reprimanding your kid for not wearing a mask (of course), empathize with their stagnation.  Can you imagine if we were locked down in HS?  Empathy for the lost time.  Empathy for the lost popularity, empathy for that sports award that isn't coming. Empathy for the science project that won't ever be displayed.  Empathy for the kid who finally made a friend but lost her over the last six months.   Human connection is everything for teens and young adults.  And now, nothing.