Loss of Control What Falling Dreams Typically Represent Falling in a dream often reflects feelings of losing control or insecurity. This sensation can relate to various areas of life, such as relationships, work, or personal goals. The sudden drop can symbolize a fear of failure or a lack of stability. Loss of control: Many people experience falling dreams during times of stress or uncertainty. The dream mirrors the sensation of being overwhelmed or unable to manage a situation. Fear of failure: Falling can represent anxiety about not meeting expectations or fear of making mistakes. Transition and change: Sometimes falling signals a period of change where the dreamer feels unsteady or unsure about the future. These interpretations depend on the dreamer's current life circumstances and emotional state. For example, someone facing job insecurity might dream of falling to express their worries about financial stability. Common Variations and Their Meanings The details in falling dreams can add layers of meaning. Consider these common variations: Falling from a great height: This often intensifies the feeling of vulnerability or fear. It may suggest the dreamer feels overwhelmed by a situation that seems beyond their control. Falling but not hitting the ground: This can indicate a fear of failure that is not yet realized or a hope that things will improve before reaching a breaking point. Falling into water: Water often symbolizes emotions. Falling into water might suggest the dreamer is confronting deep feelings or emotional turmoil. Falling and waking up suddenly: This is a classic experience that may reflect the body’s physical reaction to the sensation of falling, but it also highlights the dreamer’s anxiety or stress. Understanding these nuances helps connect the dream to specific emotional or psychological challenges. Psychological Perspectives on Falling Dreams Psychologists often view dreams of falling as expressions of subconscious fears. According to research, these dreams can be linked to: Stress and anxiety: Studies show that people under high stress report more frequent falling dreams. Self-esteem issues: Falling can symbolize feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing status. Unresolved conflicts: The sensation of falling might represent internal struggles or conflicts that the dreamer has not addressed. For example, a person going through a breakup might dream of falling to express their emotional instability and fear of losing control over their life. How to Reflect on Your Falling Dreams To gain personal insight from falling dreams, consider these steps: Recall the context: What was happening in your life when you had the dream? Stressful events or changes often trigger falling dreams. Note your feelings: Were you scared, calm, or indifferent during the fall? Your emotional response can reveal how you handle challenges. Look for patterns: Do you have falling dreams regularly? Frequent dreams might indicate ongoing anxiety or unresolved issues. Connect to waking life: Identify areas where you feel unstable or insecure. The dream may be urging you to address these concerns. Keeping a dream journal can help track these patterns and deepen your understanding. Practical Ways to Address Falling Dreams If falling dreams disturb your sleep or cause anxiety, try these approaches: Stress management: Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to reduce overall stress. Improve sleep hygiene: Maintain a consistent sleep schedule and create a calming bedtime routine. Talk it out: Discuss your dreams and feelings with a trusted friend or therapist to gain perspective. Set intentions before sleep: Visualize positive outcomes or stability to influence your dream content. Embracing Change Through Dreams Dreams often serve as a mirror to our subconscious. They can guide us through emotional landscapes we may not fully understand. For instance, my dream had me slipping off a high mountain path -- holding onto someone else (who????) and as we fell through the sky I may have had a very present, surrendering feeling of process; I am here; I am falling. I fell into a body of water often nearby mountain cliffs (oceanic). There could be some positives here. Letting myself fall could be the beginning of aligning with the reality of change. I may not like it but I was able to go with it. By reflecting on these experiences, we can find ways to embrace change and navigate our waking lives with greater ease. Conclusion: The Journey of Understanding Falling Dreams In conclusion, dreams of falling can be powerful indicators of our emotional state. They invite us to explore our fears, insecurities, and the changes we face. By understanding these dreams, we can gain valuable insights into our lives and foster a sense of peace and stability. Remember, the journey of self-discovery is ongoing, and each dream can be a stepping stone toward greater understanding and acceptance. As we navigate our dreams and waking lives, let’s embrace the lessons they offer. Whether it’s through reflection, conversation, or simply being present, we can learn to manage our anxieties and foster healthier, more peaceful lives.

The best work starts with a simple assumption: young men are not a problem to solve. They are people to understand. Effective support respects their autonomy, takes their concerns seriously, and offers clear ways forward without shame. Trust often grows when the setting feels calm and human. Start with trust before trying to create change Many young men have learned to be cautious about vulnerability. That does not mean they refuse help. It may mean they test whether help is safe before they use it. Trust grows when the person working with them is consistent, direct, and respectful. Long lectures, forced emotional disclosure, or early advice can backfire. A better opening stance sounds like this: “I’m not here to judge you or tell you who to be. I want to understand what is happening and what you want to change.” That kind of message lowers the pressure. It also makes room for honesty. I have seen young adult men give me a look when the dicey topics emerge - cautiously checking me out to gauge my reactions. At which point I usually curse. Then their shoulders go down; they can assume I'm cool. They have complained in therapy about: a thinning hairline after being the jock in college, over-zealous parents, about girls who are too insecure and demanding, the cost of living, not getting away from drugs, porn and conflicts. And deep existential fears about the future. The successful ones are about leaning into something. My daughter's friend is a "hammer throw" guy. He went to the Olympics. An overwhelmed law student decided to join a bunch of clubs anyway. A guy who was burnt out on dating kept going. Got back on the horse. A young man who says very little at first may still be engaged. Silence, short answers, and humor can all be ways of staying safe while deciding whether the relationship is trustworthy. Use clear language and avoid clinical fog Some people connect quickly with emotional language. Others do not. A young man may describe depression as feeling “checked out,” “tired of everything,” “irritable,” or “like nothing hits anymore.” Anxiety may show up as restlessness, anger, stomach issues, avoidance, or constant distraction. When discussing young adult men and therapy, clear language matters. Not everyone walks in ready to say, “I need help with emotional regulation.” Many are more likely to say, “I keep snapping,” “I can’t focus,” “I’m drinking too much,” or “I don’t feel like myself.” Use the language they use, then gently expand it. For example: “When you say you feel numb, what does that look like during the day?” “When anger shows up, what usually happened right before it?” “If sleep improved by even one hour, what would be different?” “What tells you that things are getting worse?” “What would be a sign that this is actually helping?” Concrete questions often work better than abstract ones. They help turn a vague problem into something workable. It also helps to explain concepts in plain terms. Instead of saying “maladaptive coping strategy,” say, “This helped you get through something, but now it may be costing you.” Instead of “avoidant behavior,” say, “Part of you is trying to stay away from what feels overwhelming.” Clarity is not dumbing things down. It prevents confusion and builds shared understanding. Respect independence while offering structure Young adulthood often comes with a strong need for autonomy. That need deserves respect. At the same time, many young men benefit from clear structure, especially when stress, trauma, ADHD, depression, or substance use have made life feel chaotic. The key is to build structure with them, not for them. A useful phrase is, “Do you want ideas, or do you want me to just listen for a bit?” This gives control back to the person while still keeping support available. Structure can include: A clear goal for the next week. A simple way to track mood, sleep, or substance use. A plan for what to do when anger spikes. A short list of people to contact during a rough moment. A routine that includes food, movement, sleep, and connection. A realistic next step for school, work, or health care. Movement can give difficult conversations a natural rhythm. When stress & conflict are high work with: Early warning signs in the body. Common triggers. A pause strategy. A way to exit without threatening or abandoning. Repair steps after conflict. Clear safety limits. For example, a young man might learn that clenched hands, pacing, and a hot face are early warning signs. His plan might be to say, “I need 20 minutes so I don’t make this worse,” then leave the room, drink water, and return at a set time if safe. Repair is part of the work. A real apology names the behavior, accepts impact, and states what will change. It does not demand instant forgiveness. Make space for identity, masculinity, and belonging Young adult men receive many messages about what they are supposed to be. Strong, calm, successful, sexually confident, financially stable, tough, always ready, never needy. These messages can be especially heavy for men who feel they do not fit the mold. Race, culture, class, immigration history, sexuality, disability, religion, and family expectations all shape how a young man understands himself. Good support does not treat masculinity as one fixed thing. Some young men need help building a broader version of strength. Strength can include honesty, restraint, asking for help, protecting others without controlling them, setting boundaries, and taking responsibility. Many respond well when strength is described as capacity, not dominance. People who work with young adult men need to recognize when informal support is not enough. Some situations call for professional assessment, crisis support, or emergency care. Take warning signs seriously, especially when there are comments about wanting to die, feeling like a burden, having no reason to live, seeking means for self-harm, escalating substance use, violent threats, severe withdrawal, psychosis, or sudden dramatic behavior changes. A calm, direct question can save time and reduce confusion: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Asking directly does not plant the idea. It opens a door for honesty. If the answer is yes, stay present and follow appropriate safety steps for your role and setting. In the United States, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline if someone is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. If there is immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. What it may look like What might be underneath A useful response “This is pointless.” Fear that nothing will help “Part of you expects this to fail. What has made it feel that way?” Joking through serious topics Anxiety or embarrassment “Humor helps you get through it. Can we stay with the serious part for one minute?” Missing appointments or check-ins Avoidance, shame, disorganization “What got in the way, and what would make showing up easier?” Saying “I don’t know” often Low trust or low emotional vocabulary “That’s fair. If you had to guess, what would be closest?” Anger at feedback Feeling exposed or criticized “I’m not attacking you. I’m naming a pattern so we can work with it.” Bring family and community into the work when appropriate Young adult men do not grow in isolation. Family, partners, peers, coaches, supervisors, and community leaders can all affect progress. When appropriate and with consent, support can include the people around them. Family involvement can help when communication has broken down or when practical support is needed. It can also be harmful if family members are unsafe, controlling, or dismissive. Consent and safety should guide every decision. The best support network is not always large. It is reliable. One steady person can make a major difference, especially if that person knows how to listen, set boundaries, and encourage follow-through. Track progress in terms that connect to daily life: Fewer blowups. Better sleep. More honest conversations. Less avoidance. Safer substance use choices. More consistent routines. Stronger boundaries. Increased ability to name feelings. More willingness to ask for help. Remember! Setbacks do not erase progress. They show where the plan needs more support. Treat relapse, avoidance, or conflict as information, not proof of failure. The most effective work with young adult men is steady, respectful, and practical. It does not rely on stereotypes. It does not shame vulnerability. It does not confuse toughness with silence. Good support gives young men room to be honest, tools to act differently, and relationships that can withstand the truth. That combination can help them build a life that feels less reactive and more chosen.

College Life College life is often characterized by a whirlwind of classes, social events, and newfound independence. This hectic lifestyle can lead to a common stereotype: college kids are flaky. But what are the reasons behind this perception? Here are a few key factors: 1. Overcommitment Many college students juggle multiple responsibilities, including coursework, part-time jobs, and extracurricular activities. This overcommitment can make it challenging to follow through on plans, leading to last-minute cancellations. Also time management is not a skill every kid has, or has yet to develop. 2. Social Pressure With a constant influx of social opportunities, students often feel pressured to attend events or gatherings. This can result in them agreeing to plans they later regret or cannot fulfill. I say, go for everything. Remember it's a privilege to attend. Remember staying in your room all day was for COVID. Stop. 3. Mental Health Struggles The transition to college can be overwhelming, and many students face mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. These issues can significantly impact their ability to commit to plans, contributing to a flaky reputation. Also, depression and anxiety look different in different people and also vary by gender. This is not a one-size-fits-all kind of problem. Students typically find the counseling center by the 2nd semester, and they are jammed. Insurance roadblocks makes it even harder to find someone. Keep trying anyway. https://www.nami.org/blog/suicide-prevention-for-college-students/ If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health, suicide or substance use crisis or emotional distress, reach out 24/7 to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) by dialing or texting 988 or using chat services at 988lifeline.org to connect to a trained crisis counselor. You can also get crisis text support via the Crisis Text Line by texting NAMI to 741741. 4. Changing Priorities As students navigate their college years, their interests and priorities may shift. What seemed appealing one week might not hold the same allure the next, leading to changes in plans and commitments. Many of my clients literally lose their minds deciding upon a major. IT DOESN"T MATTER. I mean it does, but it's not a race... 5. Time Management Skills Many college students are still developing essential executive function skills. This can result in poor planning and the inability to balance social life with academic responsibilities, causing them to flake on commitments. Write everything down and get a white board! Interventions to Enhance Productivity To enhance productivity and ensure tasks are completed efficiently, several interventions can be employed: Time Management Techniques: Breaking work into intervals followed by short breaks can help maintain focus and encourage sustained concentration while reducing burnout. Task Prioritization: Using a prioritization system allows individuals to distinguish between what is urgent and important, ensuring that critical tasks are addressed promptly. Goal Setting: Setting specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals can provide clarity and direction, making it easier to track progress. Minimizing Distractions: Creating a dedicated workspace and utilizing tools to block distracting websites can significantly improve the ability to concentrate and complete tasks efficiently. Conclusion While the flakiness of college students can be frustrating, understanding the underlying reasons can foster empathy. As they navigate this transformative period, many are still learning how to balance their new responsibilities and social lives. So therapists and parents, don't assume it's a life-long character trait when your college kid forgets to book his plane ticket. It might just be a developmental stage that needs completion, time, support, guidance.

Small Steps, Big Momentum Some days, starting feels harder than the task itself. Studying, cleaning, replying, or practicing can feel huge—especially when routines, stress, sleep, or seasonal change. That doesn’t mean you’re lazy or lacking motivation. Procrastination is often your brain asking for support. Let’s make the first step tiny, gentle, and doable. Try this little reset 🌱 Start with just five minutes. Break one big task into one small step. Add light, movement, water, or a snack. Put your phone away and make your plan visible. Understanding Procrastination Fear of Failure: Worrying about not meeting expectations can lead to avoidance. Perfectionism: The desire to complete a task flawlessly can result in delaying it altogether. Lack of Motivation: When tasks seem uninteresting or overwhelming, it's easy to put them off. Distractions: In a world filled with notifications and entertainment, staying focused can be challenging. Poor Time Management: Underestimating the time required for tasks can lead to last-minute rushes. https://lsc.cornell.edu/break-the-cycle-of-procrastination/ Strategies to Overcome Procrastination 1. Set Clear Goals Define specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps to make them less daunting. 2. Create a Schedule Use a planner or digital calendar (I do color-coded) to allocate specific times for tasks. Prioritize tasks based on deadlines and importance. 3. Eliminate Distractions Identify what distracts you (e.g., social media, noise) and minimize these interruptions. Create a dedicated workspace that is conducive to focus. 4. Use Time Management Techniques Try techniques that involve working for a set period, such as 25 minutes, followed by a short break of 5 minutes. Set timers to create a sense of urgency and keep you on track. 5. Practice Self-Compassion Acknowledge that everyone procrastinates occasionally and that it's a part of being human. Use my "Zen" technique of - "nobody cares how you feel about this task, just do it." Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations to boost motivation. 6. Seek Accountability Share your goals with a friend or colleague who can help keep you accountable. Consider joining a study group or finding an accountability partner. Conclusion Overcoming procrastination is a gradual process that requires self-awareness and commitment. By understanding its causes and implementing effective strategies, you can break the cycle and enhance your productivity. Remember, small changes can lead to significant improvements over time.

Social Media and Teens: Navigating the Digital Landscape Social media is now a major part of high school life. For many teens, it is a place to stay connected, share ideas, explore interests, and express themselves. Group chats, school updates, hobby communities, and creative projects can help students feel included and supported. Social media can also help teens maintain friendships when they move, change schools, or feel isolated in person. The Benefits of Social Media There are meaningful benefits when social media is used with balance. Teens may discover educational resources, connect with positive role models, learn about different perspectives, and build confidence through creative expression. They can find communities for music, sports, art, gaming, volunteer work, or other interests. For some young people, online communities provide encouragement that may not be available in their immediate surroundings. Finding Support Online In today's digital age, many teens turn to social media for support. They can connect with others who share similar experiences. This connection can be particularly valuable during challenging times. For instance, teens dealing with anxiety or stress may find solace in online groups that focus on mental health. These communities can offer understanding and advice, making the online world a source of comfort. The Risks of Social Media At the same time, social media has real risks. Constant comparison can affect self-esteem, while edited images and carefully curated posts may create unrealistic expectations. Cyberbullying, exclusion, misinformation, privacy concerns, and unwanted contact can also cause harm. Notifications and endless scrolling may interfere with homework, family time, exercise, and sleep. What begins as a quick check can easily become hours online. Balancing the Good and the Bad The goal is not always to ban social media. Strict bans may lead some teens to hide their online activity rather than talk openly about it. A healthier approach combines guidance, reasonable limits, and ongoing conversation. Parents can stay curious about the platforms their teens use, review privacy settings together, and make sure young people understand that online posts can have lasting effects. Practical Strategies for Healthy Social Media Use To foster a balanced relationship with social media, consider implementing some helpful habits: Keep phones and social media out of the bedroom at night. This helps ensure better sleep and reduces distractions. Take regular breaks and turn off unnecessary notifications. This can help minimize the urge to check phones constantly. Protect homework, meals, family time, and sleep. Prioritize these activities to maintain a healthy routine. Follow positive, age-appropriate accounts. This can enhance the online experience and provide uplifting content. Avoid sharing private information, passwords, and location. This is crucial for maintaining privacy and safety. Block and report bullying, harassment, or unsafe content. Encourage teens to take action against negative experiences online. Check how online activity affects mood, confidence, and daily routines. Awareness is key to understanding the impact of social media. Talk to a trusted adult when something feels uncomfortable or unsafe. Open communication can provide support and guidance. Open Conversations Matter Open conversations work better than constant lectures. Ask your teen what they enjoy online, what feels stressful, and what support would be helpful. Listen before offering advice, and remind them that asking for help will not automatically lead to punishment or the loss of all privacy. A Personal Experience I have a client who asked, "How can I be offline when all my friends are online?" This highlights a common struggle. We are all different, and some are more distracted than others. This is not a one-size-fits-all solution. A college student once came to me for help with a porn addiction. Over eight weeks of short-term, solution-focused therapy, he learned to manage his urges. We explored the anxieties beneath the surface, rather than just addressing the symptoms. This approach can be applied to various challenges teens face online. The Importance of Digital Awareness With clear boundaries, digital awareness, and a supportive relationship, social media can become one part of a balanced life rather than a source of constant stress. The goal is to help teens develop the judgment and confidence they need to make healthy choices online and offline. Conclusion In conclusion, social media is an integral part of modern life for teens. While it offers numerous benefits, it also presents challenges. By fostering open communication, setting reasonable limits, and encouraging healthy habits, we can help young people navigate the digital landscape. This way, they can enjoy the positive aspects of social media while minimizing its risks. As we embrace this digital age, let’s empower our teens to thrive both online and offline. The NYTimes said, *"algorithmic feeds can harm someone who has disordered eating, but social media can be a valuable resource for people who are looking for certain kinds of information or who are in crisis."*

Some kids move through the day as if a camera is pointed at them all the time. They notice who looked over when they dropped a pencil. They replay the way they answered a question in class. They wonder if their laugh sounded strange, if their clothes looked wrong, if a teacher’s neutral face meant disappointment. Even small choices can feel public and loaded. Hyper self-conscious kids are not being dramatic. Their minds are working hard to predict judgment before it happens. They may act shy, perfectionistic, irritable, avoidant, or “too sensitive.” Underneath, many are trying to stay safe from embarrassment, failure, and uncertainty. Feeling watched can make ordinary moments feel much bigger. What hyper self-consciousness can feel like from the inside For a highly self-conscious child, the world can feel like a room full of judges. Not harsh judges, necessarily. Just people who might notice, evaluate, laugh, misunderstand, or remember. A child might think: “Everyone saw that.” “That sounded weird.” “They probably think I’m annoying.” “If I try and mess up, it’ll be humiliating.” “I don’t know what will happen, so I’d rather not do it.” This can happen in obvious situations, like performing on stage or giving a class presentation. It can also happen in ordinary moments: Walking into a room after others have already sat down Ordering food while others wait Asking a teacher for help Joining a game already in progress Wearing something different Getting an answer wrong Saying hello and not getting the expected response The painful part is that the child may know, on some level, that others are not studying them that closely, BECAUSE THEY HAVE IT TOO!! But knowing that does not always quiet the alarm. Anxiety often speaks in “what if” thoughts, and those thoughts can feel urgent. A hyper self-conscious child may not be asking, “Is this dangerous?” They may be asking, “Will this make me feel exposed?” That difference matters. Adults sometimes respond with logic, saying, “Nobody cares,” or “No one is looking at you.” The child may hear that as dismissal. A more helpful message is, “It feels like everyone is looking. That is uncomfortable. We can help your body and brain get through it.” The phrases that reveal the fear underneath Hyper self-conscious kids often give clues through the language they use. Two phrases show up often: “It’ll come off as...” “People will think...” These phrases may sound mature or socially aware. Sometimes they are. Kids do need to learn how their actions affect others. But when these phrases appear again and again, especially before low-risk choices, they can signal anxiety. A child might say: “If I ask that, it’ll come off as dumb.” “If I wear this, people will think I’m trying too hard.” “If I say hi first, it’ll come off as desperate.” “If I join now, people will think I’m weird.” “If I tell the teacher I’m confused, it’ll come off as not listening.” The child is not only thinking about what they want to do. They are trying to manage how they might be perceived. That is exhausting. This kind of thinking can create a trap. The child tries to avoid negative judgment by doing less, saying less, and risking less. In the short term, avoidance lowers discomfort. In the long term, it teaches the brain that discomfort is dangerous and must be escaped. Adults can help by listening for the fear beneath the words. Instead of debating the exact prediction, try asking: “What are you worried people will think?” “What would it mean if someone did think that?” “How likely is that, and how could you handle it if it happened?” “Is there another way someone might read the same situation?” “What would you tell a friend who had that thought?” The goal is not to prove the child wrong. The goal is to help the child hold a thought more lightly. Why discomfort, failure, and uncertainty feel so threatening Hyper self-consciousness often grows around three fears: discomfort, failure, and uncertainty. These fears can overlap, but each one has its own pull. Discomfort feels like danger Some children are deeply uncomfortable with the physical sensations of embarrassment or anxiety. A warm face, tight chest, shaky voice, or stomach drop can feel unbearable. They may avoid anything that could bring on those sensations. Not because they are lazy or defiant, but because their body has learned to treat discomfort like an emergency. Helpful support starts with naming the experience: “You felt your face get hot, and your brain said, ‘Escape.’ That makes sense. Let’s practice staying with the feeling for a little bit.” This teaches an important lesson. A feeling can be uncomfortable without being unsafe. Failure feels permanent For some kids, a mistake does not feel like a moment. It feels like a label. They do not think, “I got that problem wrong.” They think, “I’m bad at this.” They do not think, “That joke didn’t land.” They think, “I’m awkward.” This can make school, sports, art, friendships, and family activities feel risky. Anything that involves learning also involves being imperfect. If imperfection feels shameful, a child may stop trying before anyone can see them struggle. Adults can help by separating action from identity: “You missed that shot” instead of “You’re not athletic.” “That sentence needs work” instead of “You’re not a good writer.” “You felt nervous and paused” instead of “You froze.” Kids need to hear that mistakes are information, not proof of who they are. Uncertainty feels impossible to tolerate Many self-conscious kids want to know exactly what will happen before they act. Who will be there? What will people say? What if the plan changes? What if it is awkward? Certainty feels protective. The problem is that real life rarely gives full certainty. Every social moment includes some unknowns. Parents and educators can build tolerance for uncertainty in small ways: Try a slightly different route to school. Let the child order at a restaurant without rehearsing every word. Play games where losing is possible and normal. Ask open-ended questions that do not have one perfect answer. Practice saying, “I’m not sure yet, and I can handle that.” These moments should be gentle, not forced. The point is to widen the child’s comfort zone one manageable step at a time. These behaviors can frustrate adults, especially when the child is capable. A student who writes beautifully may refuse to read aloud. A child who loves soccer may suddenly avoid practice after one mistake. A teenager who wants friends may reject every invitation. The outside behavior says “no.” The inside experience may be saying, “I cannot stand being seen if I might get it wrong.” This does not mean adults should remove every challenge. Protection can become a cage. But support works best when it begins with understanding. A useful adult response has three parts: Validate the feeling Name the pattern Offer a small next step “I can see this feels really exposing.” “Your brain is predicting that people will judge you.” “Let’s find one doable way to try.” This approach avoids two common extremes. It does not shame the child for being anxious. It also does not let anxiety make every decision. Self-acceptance does not mean a child loves every part of themselves all the time. It means they learn, “I can be a work in progress and still belong.” Helping Hyper Self Conscious Kids Feel Safe Seen and Resilient starts with believing that their fear is real, even when the danger is not. From there, the work is gentle and steady. Name the anxiety. Make room for honest conversation. Practice small risks. Celebrate recovery, not perfection.

Perfectionism often fuels decision paralysis because it quietly raises the “starting bar” until it feels like you’re required to get everything right before you’re allowed to begin. When every choice has to be the best choice, your brain treats ordinary uncertainty as danger. You end up over-researching, rewriting, and second-guessing, not because you’re lazy or unmotivated, but because launching something imperfect can feel like a verdict on your competence. In that mindset, waiting can feel safer than trying—so progress stalls, even when the desire to move forward is strong. If it can’t be done “right,” it doesn’t get started at all. Examples - All-or-nothing thinking: Make no mistake - this IS the problem. "If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s pointless.” I hear this so often you would be alarmed. Can it possibly be BOTH things are true? You love your mom, but you also can't stand when she acts helpless. Life happens in the in-betweens. Overwhelm + decision fatigue: Too many options and pressure to choose the “best” path can shut momentum down. You could stand in front of that tyranny of choice forever. The only way through is through. Low trust in systems: They may doubt the path is fair or workable, so effort feels risky. And they're not wrong! People are questioning the utility of college, the economy for the 1%, AI and workers, AI replacing therapy! On and on. We are not as free as before those pesky phones. Comparison culture: Seeing others’ highlight reels makes their own first steps feel inadequate. Of course it looks like Joe Smith is now a physician assistant while you were home knitting during COVID. This is a brutal issue that haunts us with daily FOMO but put it out of your head. Do what's best for you. Do it NOW! (SEE: MEG JAY - The Defining Decade - been recommending for 25 years!). Protecting identity: If they don’t fully commit, they don’t have to face what it would mean if it doesn’t work. How convenient to just hide out. But you don't want to wake up in your 30s and say, "Oh man, I forgot to do anything." Lack of small, supported steps: Without a clear next “tiny move,” launching feels like a cliff, not a staircase. This is where the real work gets done. I often coach clients to take baby steps. Break it down as best you can. Teeny Tiny Steps. Then reflect. Then repeat. Fear of failure (and being judged): If trying feels like it could expose them, not trying can feel safer. Not trying was not possible when I was a kid. But this is now. If a kid starts with me, "People will think..." I already know that sentence is a red flag. Because who cares what people think! It's none of my business. Sunk Cost Fallacy: You start something, throw everything at it. You fail. Do you a. pivot, b. do nothing or c. throw more at it. Answer: none of the above? Get out of your head and into your life (not my line - Steven Hayes). Just keep swimming. That's the way. How Perfectionism Leads to Paralysis? Perfectionism creates paralysis because it turns starting into a high-stakes test instead of a normal first draft. The bar becomes “publish-ready,” not “version 1.” If the first attempt has to be excellent, there’s no room for messy learning—so you delay until you feel “ready,” which rarely arrives. You overestimate the cost of mistakes. Small imperfections feel like proof you’re not capable, so avoiding action protects you from that feeling. You get trapped in endless prep. Research, planning, tweaking, and reworking feel productive, but they’re safer than sending something that can be evaluated. Decisions feel irreversible. Picking a topic, name, offer, or design feels like it locks you in—so you keep options open by not choosing. Feedback becomes threatening. Launching invites real-world response; perfectionism tries to control that by waiting until criticism seems impossible. You confuse identity with output. If “this project” equals “me,” then a flawed result feels like a flawed self—so not launching feels like self-protection. Conclusion In moments of uncertainty and self-doubt, it's essential to remember that mistakes are a natural part of growth and life. Embracing our errors allows us to develop resilience and a deeper understanding of our work. By fostering an environment where we can openly discuss our fears and learn from our experiences, we not only support each other but also pave the way for future creativity and self-compassion.

Nope. I don't buy it. Along with phrases like "put it into the universe," "manifest it," and "give it up to God," I find these ideas unhelpful. Or the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Um, no again. Why? Because you and I are working really hard every day to reframe, reintegrate, and re-parent ourselves. Let's give ourselves a little credit! YOU did it. My father used to say this. He published someone's bestselling novel that reached the top of the New York Times bestseller list once. People said, "Wow, you're so lucky!" He replied, "It's not luck; I've been doing this my whole life!" It's where luck meets preparation that success begins. 机会留给有准备的人 (Jīhuì liú gěi yǒu zhǔnbèi de rén): This translates to "opportunity favors the prepared mind." The Importance of Self-Credit As a basic cognitive error, not giving oneself credit for anything good is a tough road. We often think all good things are accidents of fate, while all bad things are our own fault. This is a common frame of mind I encounter. According to expert Dr. Rick Hanson, our brains have a negativity bias. This means positive experiences tend to pass through us quickly, while negative ones linger. He encourages us to slow down and savor what's good in our lives. The Complexity of Mental Health In our field, we tend to oversimplify complex issues. Everything is reduced to three-letter acronyms, leaving clients feeling boxed in. For instance, I had a client express fear about moving from anxious to avoidant attachment, as if those were the only options. Terms like CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR, EFT, and ACT are just styles and theories. They are not the ultimate solution to our struggles. Overthinking is a significant issue for many, especially young women. The loss of social interaction can be painful. We hear phrases like, "Everything happens for a reason." Sometimes this is offered with love, other times it feels like a dismissal of our hard work and growth. When someone is hurting, saying "everything happens for a reason" can unintentionally skip over the most important step: acknowledging what happened and how it felt. Pain doesn't become easier to bear just because we can explain it. Growth doesn't require us to be grateful for what harmed us. A More Helpful Approach Instead, consider these questions: What happened? What did it cost you? What did you do to survive it? What are you learning now—at your own pace? That last part matters. Meaning-making is not a deadline; it’s a process. Why We Struggle to Give Ourselves Credit (And Why It’s Not Your Fault) Many young adults I work with carry a painful pattern: If something good happens, it was luck. If something hard happens, it must be my fault. This is a common cognitive distortion—an error in how we assign cause and responsibility. It's reinforced by our brain's negativity bias. Our brains are wired to scan for threats and remember what went wrong, as this once helped humans survive. Shifting Your Perspective You might try one of these alternative thoughts: “Some things happen. Then we decide what to do next.” “I can’t control everything, but I can influence what happens from here.” “This was real and it was hard—and I’m still here.” CBT: Check the Story Your Mind is Telling Try writing down the thought exactly as it shows up: “If it worked out, it was luck.” “If it didn’t work out, it’s because I’m not good enough.” Then ask yourself: What’s the evidence for this? What’s the evidence against it? What would I say to a friend I care about? What’s a more balanced thought? Balanced doesn’t mean overly positive; it means accurate. DBT: Building a "Both/And" Mindset DBT teaches us to hold two truths at once: “This is painful.” “I can take one small step.” Mindfulness: Savor What’s Good A compassionate alternative thought could be: “I’m not meant to carry this alone.” If you’re reading this and thinking, “I should be over this by now,” I want to offer a different frame: you’re not behind. You’re in process. And if you’ve been doing the work—showing up, practicing, repairing, trying again—please don’t call that luck. It’s you. The Journey of Self-Recognition Recognizing our efforts and achievements is crucial for mental health. It fosters resilience and encourages us to keep moving forward. When we acknowledge our hard work, we empower ourselves to face future challenges. Building a Supportive Environment Creating a supportive environment is essential. Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Engage in conversations that promote growth and understanding. Share your experiences and listen to others. This exchange can be incredibly healing. The Role of Therapy Therapy can be a valuable tool in this journey. It provides a safe space to explore thoughts and feelings. A therapist can help you reframe negative beliefs and develop healthier coping strategies. Celebrating Small Wins Don’t forget to celebrate small wins along the way. Each step forward is significant. Acknowledging these moments can boost your confidence and motivation. Conclusion: Embrace Your Journey In conclusion, it’s vital to embrace your journey. Recognize your efforts, celebrate your achievements, and be gentle with yourself. Growth is a process, and it’s okay to take your time. You are not alone in this journey, and you have the strength to navigate through challenges. Let’s give ourselves the credit we deserve. It’s not just luck; it’s hard work, resilience, and growth.

I have so many young adult clients looking for love. They are sick of the apps. They are sick of ghosting and bad behavior. They want real commitment and effort. Why is dating so hard? One client found love in the kink community (after a year of floundering). Good for her! One found it through a blind date. But otherwise, the struggle is real. If only I knew why men behave the way they do. Is it the entitlement, the bullying or the mansplaining? Is it their mothers??? Can't do that. Is it that the finance bros have to be self-absorbed in order to log in so many hours? Or are we just doomed to doom scroll? Perhaps men are afraid because of the frightening, dystopian, perilous world we're living in. Perhaps women have too high expectations? One of them told me she has a complete check list that includes even the amount of times per day that he texts her. Yes, we deserve the full package. No, there is no perfect. On the TV show Love is Blind I first hated the monotony and tedium of the daily interactions. Admittedly I did not watch all the pods of the last season. And I haven't seen the other seasons. However, at first there was something so quotidian about it all. Then IRL - boom - you could instantly see the potential for conflict. IRL you have to adult, you have to deal w. family and you have to know your boundaries! The magic inevitably fades into who left the dishes in the sink. The trick is to let a million things go. No one teaches us that. We have seen our parents attempts to do it. That is all. On the TV show Love is Blind, a lot of the people were exceedingly attractive. That didn't seem to matter of course. The women took their power and said the big NO! But I caution them - nothing IRL is that great either. I am not speaking from cynicism. I am speaking as a therapist to young women: take your time, freeze your eggs, have high hopes, but, you must COMMUNICATE your needs! One young adult woman said her new partner is doing everything right, but this one thing. I said, why don't you tell him!!?? What is getting in the way? Oh, it's the overthinking again and again! Can you breathe through it? Can you write it down? Can you put it aside? You can't think your way through everything. It's more spontaneous, more casual. It's a magical moment. Before the screens we had freedom. We said the wrong things. We waited. We tried again. I believe that trial and error may be the best teacher of all. You cannot expect the other person to be a mind-reader. Oh, you're so smart - you thought of every possible outcome!! Doesn't help one bit. Because IRL everything is going faster than your brain. So just enjoy the ride - and participate. Otherwise, nothing is gained and everything is whirring by. Love is not blind. We know this. Love is a million chemicals flooding your being and surrendering to them come what may. Can you allow for that? TRY!!!!

Understanding the Depth of Grief What can you possibly learn in school to prepare you for this level of trauma, shock, sadness, and grief? In my suicide bereavement group, the atmosphere is raw. Participants allow for individual and collective pain points, softening and comforting each other. They engage as if it were a group no one would ever want to join. Because, in truth, it is. I bear witness, gently guiding and holding space for them. I manage the monopolizers and the retreaters. This is how I make my living. The Impact of Empathy What does it do to me to feel this empathy, confusion, and lack of meaning day in and day out? I once thought I was immune to the emotional toll of my work. Far from it. I need rest, relaxation, and, yes, self-care. I require exercise and alone time. I need space to vent and make sense of the senseless. Yet, week after week, these individuals have something profound to teach me. They put it right in my face: you are the lucky one. You survived. You must therefore carry on. This realization is axiomatic. The Importance of Connection Suicide prevention is about connection, support, and making it easier to get help—especially in moments when pain feels unbearable. It’s a challenging field because risk can change quickly. Stigma can keep people silent, and there’s rarely one clear cause, precursor, or simple solution. Prevention work asks us to hold urgency and hope simultaneously: to listen without judgment, take warning signs seriously, and help people reach care and community support. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can call or text 988 (24/7). In New York City, you can also contact NYC Well at 1-888-NYC-WELL or text “WELL” to 65173. If there’s immediate danger, call 911. The Complexity of Mental Health People may look “fine” on the outside while feeling overwhelmed inside. Many carry a mix of depression, anxiety, trauma, substance use, chronic pain, grief, financial stress, discrimination, or isolation that can intensify over time. This complexity means prevention isn’t about finding the perfect thing to say—it’s about showing up consistently, taking suffering seriously, and helping someone stay connected to care and to other people. Finding Grounding Amidst Chaos As the group comes to an end, I know I'm scared and shocked, but I also feel grounded. I understand that I am safe from harm. And that is enough. The Path to Healing Embracing Self-Care Self-care is not just a luxury; it is a necessity. Engaging in activities that nourish our minds and bodies can significantly impact our ability to cope with trauma. Whether it’s through meditation, exercise, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply, these practices help us reconnect with ourselves. Building Community Support Creating a supportive community is vital. Surrounding ourselves with understanding individuals can provide the comfort and strength needed during difficult times. It’s essential to foster connections that allow for open conversations about mental health. Seeking Professional Help Sometimes, the journey through grief and trauma requires professional guidance. Therapists and counselors can offer valuable tools and insights that help us navigate our feelings. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Understanding the Signs Recognizing the signs of someone in distress is crucial. Many individuals may not openly express their struggles. Being vigilant and compassionate can make a significant difference in someone’s life. The Role of Education Education plays a pivotal role in mental health awareness. Understanding the complexities of trauma and grief can empower us to support ourselves and others better. Workshops, seminars, and community programs can provide essential knowledge and resources. The Power of Hope Hope is a powerful motivator. It can inspire individuals to seek help and foster resilience. Encouraging a hopeful outlook can change the narrative surrounding mental health challenges. Conclusion: A Call to Action Navigating trauma and grief is a complex journey. It requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to self-care. Together, we can create a supportive environment that fosters healing and connection. Let’s continue to advocate for mental health awareness and support one another in our journeys. Remember, you are not alone.

Therapists play a vital role in supporting mental health and well-being. To maintain their professional skills and stay updated with the latest therapeutic techniques, ongoing education is essential. Specialized training programs offer therapists the opportunity to deepen their expertise while earning valuable continuing education credits. These credits are often required for license renewal and professional development. Why Education Credits for Therapists Matter Continuing education credits for therapists are more than just a licensing requirement. They represent a commitment to excellence and ethical practice. By engaging in specialized training, therapists can: Enhance clinical skills : Learn new therapeutic approaches and interventions. Stay current with research : Understand the latest findings in psychology and mental health. Meet licensing requirements : Fulfill state or national mandates for professional development. Increase client outcomes : Apply evidence-based techniques to improve therapy effectiveness. For example, a therapist specializing in trauma might take a course on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to better serve clients with PTSD. This not only benefits clients but also adds to the therapist’s credentials. How to Choose the Right Specialized Training Selecting the appropriate training program is crucial for maximizing the benefits of continuing education. Here are some practical tips: Check accreditation : Ensure the course is approved by relevant licensing boards. Match your specialty : Choose training that aligns with your clinical focus or interests. Consider format and schedule : Decide between online, in-person, or hybrid options based on your availability. Review course content : Look for comprehensive curricula that include theory, practice, and case studies. Evaluate instructor expertise : Learn from experienced professionals with strong backgrounds in the subject matter. For instance, a therapist interested in family therapy might seek a program that offers interactive workshops and role-playing exercises to practice new skills. Benefits of Specialized Training Beyond Credits While earning continuing education credits is important, specialized training offers additional advantages: Professional growth : Expands your knowledge base and clinical toolkit. Networking opportunities : Connect with peers and experts in your field. Increased confidence : Gain assurance in applying new methods with clients. Career advancement : Open doors to new job roles or private practice specialties. Personal fulfillment : Stay motivated and passionate about your work. For example, a therapist who completes a certification in mindfulness-based stress reduction may find new ways to help clients manage anxiety and improve overall well-being. Practical Steps to Earn Continuing Education Credits To efficiently earn continuing education credits, follow these actionable steps: Identify your credit requirements : Know how many credits you need and the deadlines. Research available courses : Use trusted platforms and professional organizations. Register early : Secure your spot in popular or limited-enrollment programs. Engage actively : Participate fully in lectures, discussions, and assignments. Keep documentation : Save certificates and transcripts for license renewal. One excellent resource is the continuing education credits offered by Donna C. Moss, which provides specialized training tailored for therapists. Making the Most of Your Training Experience To get the greatest value from your specialized training, consider these recommendations: Apply new skills immediately : Integrate techniques into your practice as soon as possible. Reflect on learning : Keep a journal to track insights and client outcomes. Seek feedback : Discuss new approaches with supervisors or colleagues. Stay curious : Continue exploring related topics and advanced courses. Balance learning with self-care : Avoid burnout by pacing your education. By following these strategies, therapists can transform continuing education from a requirement into a rewarding journey of professional and personal growth. Specialized training is a powerful way for therapists to enhance their skills, meet licensing requirements, and improve client care. By choosing the right programs and engaging fully, therapists can earn valuable continuing education credits while advancing their careers. Whether you are new to the field or an experienced practitioner, investing in ongoing education is a smart step toward excellence in therapy.

Why should a therapist be smart, wise, empathic and CURIOUS?  Because we are dealing with individual lives. Lives that are part of the greater society. Lives that MATTER. Right now the collective is the personal. The political is personal. If we don't get some leadership pronto, we will be in this mess for decades to come. So what does our work mean? It means even if you're exhausted, you follow up, ask the questions, wonder what's going on over in that house. One house has little food. Another has too much. Yesterday I followed up on a hunch with one of the parents of my client. The client had mentioned that things were going poorly at home but didn't go into much detail. When I followed up with the Mom, boy did she give me a mouthfull! It turns out something quite serious was going on with the other step sibling in the home that is impacting everyone. If I hadn't followed up, I would have never known! In another case, a teen was telling me about her new hobby. I asked her to show me her art work and it opened a whole can of insights through her eyes. Teenagers are stuck in the middle of the greatest economic shift we have seen in a Century. The landscape of school, college, jobs, families are forever changed. Sure some kids will weather the storms to come. Some won't. I have a client who has been emotionally abused by her parents her whole life. Right when she was scheduled to "launch," the pandemic hit. She is emotionally, physically and mentally stuck now. Like literally. Can't leave an abusive home. Let that sink in. Other signs that therapy is working: you go deeper, you ask harder questions, you ask them to come up with why things are going well, you ask them to practice it, you wait in the silence, and you help make connections from past to present. You offer perspective and patience. Great phrases that capture this are:  What was that like for you?  I wonder why you're avoiding the deeper issue here?  Do you need time to process this?  Why not practice doing things a new way?  Is it scary to give up being the victim?  I feel upset hearing this, it must be intense for you?  Maybe "fixing" it is not the answer; perhaps you can accept it?  There is no shame in feeling your feelings.  Therapy on zoom/phone is not ideal but it's the best we have right now.  Insurance doesn't dictate our therapy. If they don't want to cover it, perhaps you can pay on your own? There is no stigma in asking for help. You do not have to be crazy to go to therapy. You don't have to share your therapy experience with anyone if you don't want to or are not ready.  If you feel you are not making progress, why don't we talk about it?  I guess what I'm saying is this is new for all of us. So jump in and maybe something important can grow within in spite of our ever-changing, uncertain environment.