Some kids move through the day as if a camera is pointed at them all the time. They notice who looked over when they dropped a pencil. They replay the way they answered a question in class. They wonder if their laugh sounded strange, if their clothes looked wrong, if a teacher’s neutral face meant disappointment. Even small choices can feel public and loaded. Hyper self-conscious kids are not being dramatic. Their minds are working hard to predict judgment before it happens. They may act shy, perfectionistic, irritable, avoidant, or “too sensitive.” Underneath, many are trying to stay safe from embarrassment, failure, and uncertainty. Feeling watched can make ordinary moments feel much bigger. What hyper self-consciousness can feel like from the inside For a highly self-conscious child, the world can feel like a room full of judges. Not harsh judges, necessarily. Just people who might notice, evaluate, laugh, misunderstand, or remember. A child might think: “Everyone saw that.” “That sounded weird.” “They probably think I’m annoying.” “If I try and mess up, it’ll be humiliating.” “I don’t know what will happen, so I’d rather not do it.” This can happen in obvious situations, like performing on stage or giving a class presentation. It can also happen in ordinary moments: Walking into a room after others have already sat down Ordering food while others wait Asking a teacher for help Joining a game already in progress Wearing something different Getting an answer wrong Saying hello and not getting the expected response The painful part is that the child may know, on some level, that others are not studying them that closely, BECAUSE THEY HAVE IT TOO!! But knowing that does not always quiet the alarm. Anxiety often speaks in “what if” thoughts, and those thoughts can feel urgent. A hyper self-conscious child may not be asking, “Is this dangerous?” They may be asking, “Will this make me feel exposed?” That difference matters. Adults sometimes respond with logic, saying, “Nobody cares,” or “No one is looking at you.” The child may hear that as dismissal. A more helpful message is, “It feels like everyone is looking. That is uncomfortable. We can help your body and brain get through it.” The phrases that reveal the fear underneath Hyper self-conscious kids often give clues through the language they use. Two phrases show up often: “It’ll come off as...” “People will think...” These phrases may sound mature or socially aware. Sometimes they are. Kids do need to learn how their actions affect others. But when these phrases appear again and again, especially before low-risk choices, they can signal anxiety. A child might say: “If I ask that, it’ll come off as dumb.” “If I wear this, people will think I’m trying too hard.” “If I say hi first, it’ll come off as desperate.” “If I join now, people will think I’m weird.” “If I tell the teacher I’m confused, it’ll come off as not listening.” The child is not only thinking about what they want to do. They are trying to manage how they might be perceived. That is exhausting. This kind of thinking can create a trap. The child tries to avoid negative judgment by doing less, saying less, and risking less. In the short term, avoidance lowers discomfort. In the long term, it teaches the brain that discomfort is dangerous and must be escaped. Adults can help by listening for the fear beneath the words. Instead of debating the exact prediction, try asking: “What are you worried people will think?” “What would it mean if someone did think that?” “How likely is that, and how could you handle it if it happened?” “Is there another way someone might read the same situation?” “What would you tell a friend who had that thought?” The goal is not to prove the child wrong. The goal is to help the child hold a thought more lightly. Why discomfort, failure, and uncertainty feel so threatening Hyper self-consciousness often grows around three fears: discomfort, failure, and uncertainty. These fears can overlap, but each one has its own pull. Discomfort feels like danger Some children are deeply uncomfortable with the physical sensations of embarrassment or anxiety. A warm face, tight chest, shaky voice, or stomach drop can feel unbearable. They may avoid anything that could bring on those sensations. Not because they are lazy or defiant, but because their body has learned to treat discomfort like an emergency. Helpful support starts with naming the experience: “You felt your face get hot, and your brain said, ‘Escape.’ That makes sense. Let’s practice staying with the feeling for a little bit.” This teaches an important lesson. A feeling can be uncomfortable without being unsafe. Failure feels permanent For some kids, a mistake does not feel like a moment. It feels like a label. They do not think, “I got that problem wrong.” They think, “I’m bad at this.” They do not think, “That joke didn’t land.” They think, “I’m awkward.” This can make school, sports, art, friendships, and family activities feel risky. Anything that involves learning also involves being imperfect. If imperfection feels shameful, a child may stop trying before anyone can see them struggle. Adults can help by separating action from identity: “You missed that shot” instead of “You’re not athletic.” “That sentence needs work” instead of “You’re not a good writer.” “You felt nervous and paused” instead of “You froze.” Kids need to hear that mistakes are information, not proof of who they are. Uncertainty feels impossible to tolerate Many self-conscious kids want to know exactly what will happen before they act. Who will be there? What will people say? What if the plan changes? What if it is awkward? Certainty feels protective. The problem is that real life rarely gives full certainty. Every social moment includes some unknowns. Parents and educators can build tolerance for uncertainty in small ways: Try a slightly different route to school. Let the child order at a restaurant without rehearsing every word. Play games where losing is possible and normal. Ask open-ended questions that do not have one perfect answer. Practice saying, “I’m not sure yet, and I can handle that.” These moments should be gentle, not forced. The point is to widen the child’s comfort zone one manageable step at a time. These behaviors can frustrate adults, especially when the child is capable. A student who writes beautifully may refuse to read aloud. A child who loves soccer may suddenly avoid practice after one mistake. A teenager who wants friends may reject every invitation. The outside behavior says “no.” The inside experience may be saying, “I cannot stand being seen if I might get it wrong.” This does not mean adults should remove every challenge. Protection can become a cage. But support works best when it begins with understanding. A useful adult response has three parts: Validate the feeling Name the pattern Offer a small next step “I can see this feels really exposing.” “Your brain is predicting that people will judge you.” “Let’s find one doable way to try.” This approach avoids two common extremes. It does not shame the child for being anxious. It also does not let anxiety make every decision. Self-acceptance does not mean a child loves every part of themselves all the time. It means they learn, “I can be a work in progress and still belong.” Helping Hyper Self Conscious Kids Feel Safe Seen and Resilient starts with believing that their fear is real, even when the danger is not. From there, the work is gentle and steady. Name the anxiety. Make room for honest conversation. Practice small risks. Celebrate recovery, not perfection.

Perfectionism often fuels decision paralysis because it quietly raises the “starting bar” until it feels like you’re required to get everything right before you’re allowed to begin. When every choice has to be the best choice, your brain treats ordinary uncertainty as danger. You end up over-researching, rewriting, and second-guessing, not because you’re lazy or unmotivated, but because launching something imperfect can feel like a verdict on your competence. In that mindset, waiting can feel safer than trying—so progress stalls, even when the desire to move forward is strong. If it can’t be done “right,” it doesn’t get started at all. Examples - All-or-nothing thinking: Make no mistake - this IS the problem. "If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s pointless.” I hear this so often you would be alarmed. Can it possibly be BOTH things are true? You love your mom, but you also can't stand when she acts helpless. Life happens in the in-betweens. Overwhelm + decision fatigue: Too many options and pressure to choose the “best” path can shut momentum down. You could stand in front of that tyranny of choice forever. The only way through is through. Low trust in systems: They may doubt the path is fair or workable, so effort feels risky. And they're not wrong! People are questioning the utility of college, the economy for the 1%, AI and workers, AI replacing therapy! On and on. We are not as free as before those pesky phones. Comparison culture: Seeing others’ highlight reels makes their own first steps feel inadequate. Of course it looks like Joe Smith is now a physician assistant while you were home knitting during COVID. This is a brutal issue that haunts us with daily FOMO but put it out of your head. Do what's best for you. Do it NOW! (SEE: MEG JAY - The Defining Decade - been recommending for 25 years!). Protecting identity: If they don’t fully commit, they don’t have to face what it would mean if it doesn’t work. How convenient to just hide out. But you don't want to wake up in your 30s and say, "Oh man, I forgot to do anything." Lack of small, supported steps: Without a clear next “tiny move,” launching feels like a cliff, not a staircase. This is where the real work gets done. I often coach clients to take baby steps. Break it down as best you can. Teeny Tiny Steps. Then reflect. Then repeat. Fear of failure (and being judged): If trying feels like it could expose them, not trying can feel safer. Not trying was not possible when I was a kid. But this is now. If a kid starts with me, "People will think..." I already know that sentence is a red flag. Because who cares what people think! It's none of my business. Sunk Cost Fallacy: You start something, throw everything at it. You fail. Do you a. pivot, b. do nothing or c. throw more at it. Answer: none of the above? Get out of your head and into your life (not my line - Steven Hayes). Just keep swimming. That's the way. How Perfectionism Leads to Paralysis? Perfectionism creates paralysis because it turns starting into a high-stakes test instead of a normal first draft. The bar becomes “publish-ready,” not “version 1.” If the first attempt has to be excellent, there’s no room for messy learning—so you delay until you feel “ready,” which rarely arrives. You overestimate the cost of mistakes. Small imperfections feel like proof you’re not capable, so avoiding action protects you from that feeling. You get trapped in endless prep. Research, planning, tweaking, and reworking feel productive, but they’re safer than sending something that can be evaluated. Decisions feel irreversible. Picking a topic, name, offer, or design feels like it locks you in—so you keep options open by not choosing. Feedback becomes threatening. Launching invites real-world response; perfectionism tries to control that by waiting until criticism seems impossible. You confuse identity with output. If “this project” equals “me,” then a flawed result feels like a flawed self—so not launching feels like self-protection. Conclusion In moments of uncertainty and self-doubt, it's essential to remember that mistakes are a natural part of growth and life. Embracing our errors allows us to develop resilience and a deeper understanding of our work. By fostering an environment where we can openly discuss our fears and learn from our experiences, we not only support each other but also pave the way for future creativity and self-compassion.

Nope. I don't buy it. Along with phrases like "put it into the universe," "manifest it," and "give it up to God," I find these ideas unhelpful. Or the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Um, no again. Why? Because you and I are working really hard every day to reframe, reintegrate, and re-parent ourselves. Let's give ourselves a little credit! YOU did it. My father used to say this. He published someone's bestselling novel that reached the top of the New York Times bestseller list once. People said, "Wow, you're so lucky!" He replied, "It's not luck; I've been doing this my whole life!" It's where luck meets preparation that success begins. 机会留给有准备的人 (Jīhuì liú gěi yǒu zhǔnbèi de rén): This translates to "opportunity favors the prepared mind." The Importance of Self-Credit As a basic cognitive error, not giving oneself credit for anything good is a tough road. We often think all good things are accidents of fate, while all bad things are our own fault. This is a common frame of mind I encounter. According to expert Dr. Rick Hanson, our brains have a negativity bias. This means positive experiences tend to pass through us quickly, while negative ones linger. He encourages us to slow down and savor what's good in our lives. The Complexity of Mental Health In our field, we tend to oversimplify complex issues. Everything is reduced to three-letter acronyms, leaving clients feeling boxed in. For instance, I had a client express fear about moving from anxious to avoidant attachment, as if those were the only options. Terms like CBT, DBT, IFS, EMDR, EFT, and ACT are just styles and theories. They are not the ultimate solution to our struggles. Overthinking is a significant issue for many, especially young women. The loss of social interaction can be painful. We hear phrases like, "Everything happens for a reason." Sometimes this is offered with love, other times it feels like a dismissal of our hard work and growth. When someone is hurting, saying "everything happens for a reason" can unintentionally skip over the most important step: acknowledging what happened and how it felt. Pain doesn't become easier to bear just because we can explain it. Growth doesn't require us to be grateful for what harmed us. A More Helpful Approach Instead, consider these questions: What happened? What did it cost you? What did you do to survive it? What are you learning now—at your own pace? That last part matters. Meaning-making is not a deadline; it’s a process. Why We Struggle to Give Ourselves Credit (And Why It’s Not Your Fault) Many young adults I work with carry a painful pattern: If something good happens, it was luck. If something hard happens, it must be my fault. This is a common cognitive distortion—an error in how we assign cause and responsibility. It's reinforced by our brain's negativity bias. Our brains are wired to scan for threats and remember what went wrong, as this once helped humans survive. Shifting Your Perspective You might try one of these alternative thoughts: “Some things happen. Then we decide what to do next.” “I can’t control everything, but I can influence what happens from here.” “This was real and it was hard—and I’m still here.” CBT: Check the Story Your Mind is Telling Try writing down the thought exactly as it shows up: “If it worked out, it was luck.” “If it didn’t work out, it’s because I’m not good enough.” Then ask yourself: What’s the evidence for this? What’s the evidence against it? What would I say to a friend I care about? What’s a more balanced thought? Balanced doesn’t mean overly positive; it means accurate. DBT: Building a "Both/And" Mindset DBT teaches us to hold two truths at once: “This is painful.” “I can take one small step.” Mindfulness: Savor What’s Good A compassionate alternative thought could be: “I’m not meant to carry this alone.” If you’re reading this and thinking, “I should be over this by now,” I want to offer a different frame: you’re not behind. You’re in process. And if you’ve been doing the work—showing up, practicing, repairing, trying again—please don’t call that luck. It’s you. The Journey of Self-Recognition Recognizing our efforts and achievements is crucial for mental health. It fosters resilience and encourages us to keep moving forward. When we acknowledge our hard work, we empower ourselves to face future challenges. Building a Supportive Environment Creating a supportive environment is essential. Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Engage in conversations that promote growth and understanding. Share your experiences and listen to others. This exchange can be incredibly healing. The Role of Therapy Therapy can be a valuable tool in this journey. It provides a safe space to explore thoughts and feelings. A therapist can help you reframe negative beliefs and develop healthier coping strategies. Celebrating Small Wins Don’t forget to celebrate small wins along the way. Each step forward is significant. Acknowledging these moments can boost your confidence and motivation. Conclusion: Embrace Your Journey In conclusion, it’s vital to embrace your journey. Recognize your efforts, celebrate your achievements, and be gentle with yourself. Growth is a process, and it’s okay to take your time. You are not alone in this journey, and you have the strength to navigate through challenges. Let’s give ourselves the credit we deserve. It’s not just luck; it’s hard work, resilience, and growth.

I have so many young adult clients looking for love. They are sick of the apps. They are sick of ghosting and bad behavior. They want real commitment and effort. Why is dating so hard? One client found love in the kink community (after a year of floundering). Good for her! One found it through a blind date. But otherwise, the struggle is real. If only I knew why men behave the way they do. Is it the entitlement, the bullying or the mansplaining? Is it their mothers??? Can't do that. Is it that the finance bros have to be self-absorbed in order to log in so many hours? Or are we just doomed to doom scroll? Perhaps men are afraid because of the frightening, dystopian, perilous world we're living in. Perhaps women have too high expectations? One of them told me she has a complete check list that includes even the amount of times per day that he texts her. Yes, we deserve the full package. No, there is no perfect. On the TV show Love is Blind I first hated the monotony and tedium of the daily interactions. Admittedly I did not watch all the pods of the last season. And I haven't seen the other seasons. However, at first there was something so quotidian about it all. Then IRL - boom - you could instantly see the potential for conflict. IRL you have to adult, you have to deal w. family and you have to know your boundaries! The magic inevitably fades into who left the dishes in the sink. The trick is to let a million things go. No one teaches us that. We have seen our parents attempts to do it. That is all. On the TV show Love is Blind, a lot of the people were exceedingly attractive. That didn't seem to matter of course. The women took their power and said the big NO! But I caution them - nothing IRL is that great either. I am not speaking from cynicism. I am speaking as a therapist to young women: take your time, freeze your eggs, have high hopes, but, you must COMMUNICATE your needs! One young adult woman said her new partner is doing everything right, but this one thing. I said, why don't you tell him!!?? What is getting in the way? Oh, it's the overthinking again and again! Can you breathe through it? Can you write it down? Can you put it aside? You can't think your way through everything. It's more spontaneous, more casual. It's a magical moment. Before the screens we had freedom. We said the wrong things. We waited. We tried again. I believe that trial and error may be the best teacher of all. You cannot expect the other person to be a mind-reader. Oh, you're so smart - you thought of every possible outcome!! Doesn't help one bit. Because IRL everything is going faster than your brain. So just enjoy the ride - and participate. Otherwise, nothing is gained and everything is whirring by. Love is not blind. We know this. Love is a million chemicals flooding your being and surrendering to them come what may. Can you allow for that? TRY!!!!

Understanding the Depth of Grief What can you possibly learn in school to prepare you for this level of trauma, shock, sadness, and grief? In my suicide bereavement group, the atmosphere is raw. Participants allow for individual and collective pain points, softening and comforting each other. They engage as if it were a group no one would ever want to join. Because, in truth, it is. I bear witness, gently guiding and holding space for them. I manage the monopolizers and the retreaters. This is how I make my living. The Impact of Empathy What does it do to me to feel this empathy, confusion, and lack of meaning day in and day out? I once thought I was immune to the emotional toll of my work. Far from it. I need rest, relaxation, and, yes, self-care. I require exercise and alone time. I need space to vent and make sense of the senseless. Yet, week after week, these individuals have something profound to teach me. They put it right in my face: you are the lucky one. You survived. You must therefore carry on. This realization is axiomatic. The Importance of Connection Suicide prevention is about connection, support, and making it easier to get help—especially in moments when pain feels unbearable. It’s a challenging field because risk can change quickly. Stigma can keep people silent, and there’s rarely one clear cause, precursor, or simple solution. Prevention work asks us to hold urgency and hope simultaneously: to listen without judgment, take warning signs seriously, and help people reach care and community support. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can call or text 988 (24/7). In New York City, you can also contact NYC Well at 1-888-NYC-WELL or text “WELL” to 65173. If there’s immediate danger, call 911. The Complexity of Mental Health People may look “fine” on the outside while feeling overwhelmed inside. Many carry a mix of depression, anxiety, trauma, substance use, chronic pain, grief, financial stress, discrimination, or isolation that can intensify over time. This complexity means prevention isn’t about finding the perfect thing to say—it’s about showing up consistently, taking suffering seriously, and helping someone stay connected to care and to other people. Finding Grounding Amidst Chaos As the group comes to an end, I know I'm scared and shocked, but I also feel grounded. I understand that I am safe from harm. And that is enough. The Path to Healing Embracing Self-Care Self-care is not just a luxury; it is a necessity. Engaging in activities that nourish our minds and bodies can significantly impact our ability to cope with trauma. Whether it’s through meditation, exercise, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply, these practices help us reconnect with ourselves. Building Community Support Creating a supportive community is vital. Surrounding ourselves with understanding individuals can provide the comfort and strength needed during difficult times. It’s essential to foster connections that allow for open conversations about mental health. Seeking Professional Help Sometimes, the journey through grief and trauma requires professional guidance. Therapists and counselors can offer valuable tools and insights that help us navigate our feelings. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Understanding the Signs Recognizing the signs of someone in distress is crucial. Many individuals may not openly express their struggles. Being vigilant and compassionate can make a significant difference in someone’s life. The Role of Education Education plays a pivotal role in mental health awareness. Understanding the complexities of trauma and grief can empower us to support ourselves and others better. Workshops, seminars, and community programs can provide essential knowledge and resources. The Power of Hope Hope is a powerful motivator. It can inspire individuals to seek help and foster resilience. Encouraging a hopeful outlook can change the narrative surrounding mental health challenges. Conclusion: A Call to Action Navigating trauma and grief is a complex journey. It requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to self-care. Together, we can create a supportive environment that fosters healing and connection. Let’s continue to advocate for mental health awareness and support one another in our journeys. Remember, you are not alone.

Therapists play a vital role in supporting mental health and well-being. To maintain their professional skills and stay updated with the latest therapeutic techniques, ongoing education is essential. Specialized training programs offer therapists the opportunity to deepen their expertise while earning valuable continuing education credits. These credits are often required for license renewal and professional development. Why Education Credits for Therapists Matter Continuing education credits for therapists are more than just a licensing requirement. They represent a commitment to excellence and ethical practice. By engaging in specialized training, therapists can: Enhance clinical skills : Learn new therapeutic approaches and interventions. Stay current with research : Understand the latest findings in psychology and mental health. Meet licensing requirements : Fulfill state or national mandates for professional development. Increase client outcomes : Apply evidence-based techniques to improve therapy effectiveness. For example, a therapist specializing in trauma might take a course on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to better serve clients with PTSD. This not only benefits clients but also adds to the therapist’s credentials. How to Choose the Right Specialized Training Selecting the appropriate training program is crucial for maximizing the benefits of continuing education. Here are some practical tips: Check accreditation : Ensure the course is approved by relevant licensing boards. Match your specialty : Choose training that aligns with your clinical focus or interests. Consider format and schedule : Decide between online, in-person, or hybrid options based on your availability. Review course content : Look for comprehensive curricula that include theory, practice, and case studies. Evaluate instructor expertise : Learn from experienced professionals with strong backgrounds in the subject matter. For instance, a therapist interested in family therapy might seek a program that offers interactive workshops and role-playing exercises to practice new skills. Benefits of Specialized Training Beyond Credits While earning continuing education credits is important, specialized training offers additional advantages: Professional growth : Expands your knowledge base and clinical toolkit. Networking opportunities : Connect with peers and experts in your field. Increased confidence : Gain assurance in applying new methods with clients. Career advancement : Open doors to new job roles or private practice specialties. Personal fulfillment : Stay motivated and passionate about your work. For example, a therapist who completes a certification in mindfulness-based stress reduction may find new ways to help clients manage anxiety and improve overall well-being. Practical Steps to Earn Continuing Education Credits To efficiently earn continuing education credits, follow these actionable steps: Identify your credit requirements : Know how many credits you need and the deadlines. Research available courses : Use trusted platforms and professional organizations. Register early : Secure your spot in popular or limited-enrollment programs. Engage actively : Participate fully in lectures, discussions, and assignments. Keep documentation : Save certificates and transcripts for license renewal. One excellent resource is the continuing education credits offered by Donna C. Moss, which provides specialized training tailored for therapists. Making the Most of Your Training Experience To get the greatest value from your specialized training, consider these recommendations: Apply new skills immediately : Integrate techniques into your practice as soon as possible. Reflect on learning : Keep a journal to track insights and client outcomes. Seek feedback : Discuss new approaches with supervisors or colleagues. Stay curious : Continue exploring related topics and advanced courses. Balance learning with self-care : Avoid burnout by pacing your education. By following these strategies, therapists can transform continuing education from a requirement into a rewarding journey of professional and personal growth. Specialized training is a powerful way for therapists to enhance their skills, meet licensing requirements, and improve client care. By choosing the right programs and engaging fully, therapists can earn valuable continuing education credits while advancing their careers. Whether you are new to the field or an experienced practitioner, investing in ongoing education is a smart step toward excellence in therapy.

Why should a therapist be smart, wise, empathic and CURIOUS?  Because we are dealing with individual lives. Lives that are part of the greater society. Lives that MATTER. Right now the collective is the personal. The political is personal. If we don't get some leadership pronto, we will be in this mess for decades to come. So what does our work mean? It means even if you're exhausted, you follow up, ask the questions, wonder what's going on over in that house. One house has little food. Another has too much. Yesterday I followed up on a hunch with one of the parents of my client. The client had mentioned that things were going poorly at home but didn't go into much detail. When I followed up with the Mom, boy did she give me a mouthfull! It turns out something quite serious was going on with the other step sibling in the home that is impacting everyone. If I hadn't followed up, I would have never known! In another case, a teen was telling me about her new hobby. I asked her to show me her art work and it opened a whole can of insights through her eyes. Teenagers are stuck in the middle of the greatest economic shift we have seen in a Century. The landscape of school, college, jobs, families are forever changed. Sure some kids will weather the storms to come. Some won't. I have a client who has been emotionally abused by her parents her whole life. Right when she was scheduled to "launch," the pandemic hit. She is emotionally, physically and mentally stuck now. Like literally. Can't leave an abusive home. Let that sink in. Other signs that therapy is working: you go deeper, you ask harder questions, you ask them to come up with why things are going well, you ask them to practice it, you wait in the silence, and you help make connections from past to present. You offer perspective and patience. Great phrases that capture this are:  What was that like for you?  I wonder why you're avoiding the deeper issue here?  Do you need time to process this?  Why not practice doing things a new way?  Is it scary to give up being the victim?  I feel upset hearing this, it must be intense for you?  Maybe "fixing" it is not the answer; perhaps you can accept it?  There is no shame in feeling your feelings.  Therapy on zoom/phone is not ideal but it's the best we have right now.  Insurance doesn't dictate our therapy. If they don't want to cover it, perhaps you can pay on your own? There is no stigma in asking for help. You do not have to be crazy to go to therapy. You don't have to share your therapy experience with anyone if you don't want to or are not ready.  If you feel you are not making progress, why don't we talk about it?  I guess what I'm saying is this is new for all of us. So jump in and maybe something important can grow within in spite of our ever-changing, uncertain environment.

It occurred to me the other day that I was laughing with a client because I completely and utterly understood where she was coming from. And then it hit me. No wonder I've been so busy helping my young adult clients overcome anxiety—wait for it—I “have it”, or should I say, “it has me” too! Of course, I have known this for many decades, but that day I had a kind of breakthrough. I can laugh at the insanity of it all. I've been there and done that on almost every occasion. My client Elsa said she was afraid of driving over bridges. Hmm, I don’t have that one. But I do have the one where my husband is driving too fast and I think I’m going to fall into the Hudson River. Then there’s the one where I’m going on a job interview and I think to myself, “OMG, I have gained so much weight since I had kids!” Or my mind goes blank and I forget everything I ever accomplished. Then there was the time my puppy ran across the highway and I had a panic attack. The worst is ruminating. Although I teach clients all day about fight or flight or freeze, I forget that I myself need to take a break from overthinking. When my kids started driving, I gained a new and paralyzing dread that someone would run into them. Add to that health and money worries, and sirens passing by while I’m quietly doing paperwork at home—catastrophizing is my specialty. Like what you are reading? For more stimulating stories, thought-provoking articles and new video announcements, sign up for our monthly newsletter. Self-care is our therapy buzz-word and it works wonders. My friend, a fellow therapist, said I need a spa day. “Do it!” My patient debated the whole day if she should take a “mental health day” from her demanding teaching schedule. “Do it!” Another patient wondered if she should take up journaling again. “Do it!” And the very process of pushing through your fears is instructive; it combats avoidance. My client was afraid to call her doctor for some results. “No problem, do it in my office.” My client was terrified to sleep over at his Dad’s new apartment. “Build up to it.” Once, many years ago, when my mother was dying of cancer, a kind and wonderful boss at Disney.com handed me a laptop and said, “I’ll see you when you’re ready.” Ask for help. Take a small step. All the clichés stacked up to the sky, or, as Annie Lamott says, “Bird by Bird.” The simple catchphrase, “Do it” flows so easily from my mouth—it just doesn’t quite make it to my ears and into my brain. Clients often ask me, “How I can begin to trust my inner voice when all I know is worry.” And I tell them “For one thing, you have a choice. It’s your life. Own it. Take care of it.” It seems to me that people in other countries get more time off to recharge. Only here do we grind ourselves until there’s no more fuel. And, let’s see if we are mislabeling anxiety as something else? If it’s not anxiety then what is it? 1. Anxiety from the past may be triggering a fear of abandonment. My client Mary wants to marry her boyfriend but thinks he might be cheating. She stalks him on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter on an hourly basis, based on her "hunch." She finds nothing but cannot stop her obsession. This is no longer a gut feeling, it's a bad habit, a self-destructive, relationship-bombing behavior that is sure to drive someone away. In this case, although there is no evidence whatsoever that he's a cheater, Mary continues to rely on her false "gut feeling" which only serves to create more anxiety and self-sabotage. Go back to where it’s coming from and try to counter the fear with a more realistic appraisal. 2. Anxiety masks as fear of the unknown. My client Joya wants to go out with a boy from her fraternity, but he is a “player.” When he finally asks her out, she says no based on what her friends have said. The information she has obtained is from the past, and unproven, especially since Joya really likes him. She continues to rely on second-hand information instead of living her own life. She is more afraid of the unknown than finding out the truth about him by using her own judgment. Unknown fears need to be faced, not avoided. Sometimes when I’m driving to a new place, I make it a habit to stop somewhere en route to pick up a treat or run an errand. This makes the unknown into a little adventure. 3. Anxiety is not the same as intuition. Jessica thinks her boyfriend is simultaneously dating someone else. Her so-called intuition is based on patterns and evidence that she has directly observed—he's always late, keeps his phone locked away and acts sneakily. Intuition tells her from observed experience that he is hiding something. Anxiety, fueled by insecurity misguides her into convincing herself that he is doing something wrong and that he will inevitably leave her, instead of leading her to confront him directly. As psychologist David Barlow warns us, “don’t believe everything you think.” “Ask him what's going on instead of making up stories in your head,” I suggest. Test the intuition with objective observation. Your anxiety may have something to tell you. If this sounds tricky, it is. Intuition can be considered a neutral and unemotional experience, whereas fear is highly emotionally charged. Reliable intuition feels right, it has a compassionate, affirming tone to it. It confirms that you are on target, without having an overly positive or negative feel to it. Fear is often anxious, dark or heavy. Take a step back and breathe deeply for a moment. What's the worst that can happen? What part is objective and what part has no business in the present? If it belongs in the past look at what happened. It's over. You are safe now. The only way to separate from rumination is to pause. My last client of the evening recounted her fight with her ex-girlfriend over text. “Please Hannah,” I said, “unplug for just five minutes. Then assess how you feel. You are only feeding the attention-seeking behavior of your ex. Can you step back? What will happen if you just sit quietly?” Can a therapist, this therapist, heal herself? The phone rings, the news blares, and real tragedy rings into our consciousness, implanting itself in vivid living color from a smart TV into our visual field whether we want it or not. I can help my clients not because I’m master of my anxiety and of my fate, but because I’m continuously right there with them. My friend calls and says “Let’s take a walk.” “Yes, I say. Let’s do it, everything else can wait.”   https://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/combatting-anxiety-bird-by-bird Originally published: GoodTherapy.org © 2020 Psychotherapy.net

Many therapists have "branded" their practices: Winding Road, Finding Yourself, Path to Fulfillment, Thoughtful Change, etc. etc. Nice, calm and creative names. They have a blog and a podcast. They pitch themselves on Youtube.  What does it all mean? To be honest, I'm not sure.  I just finished reading "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" and it was good. Better than I expected in this hallowed Irvin Yalom corner of the world where therapy becomes the drama for a book, filled with colorful anectdotes and insights. Marketing works. That lady is probably really busy now! I am already really busy. I don't even want to be really busy! Balance is more what I'm after with myself and my patients. I have taken the week off to practice what I preach: get away, take time to breathe, visit the doctor, take a walk with a friend. These things are priceless right now. After counseling young adults about going back to college in a pandemic, I need to see some teens who are thriving. They are! They will! The world may yet be the same, but perhaps we can now hope for progressive change for all? With all the terrible of 2020, will there be a chance to reset, evolve, move forward? I sure hope so. Kamala Harris, no matter her potential flaws, is a ground breaking choice. Let's try to be better! My therapy practice consists of patience, reassurance and routine. I don't impose any critiques on my patients that I don't try on myself. I am not above it all; I am right there with you. Being the therapist means you also engage in self-care. It means that if the process itself is slow that's OK. It means if you have been traumatized in this life, there's time for you and I to heal. I have discovered for myself that "the body keeps the score." After a lifetime of therapy, adding Yoga to my own practice has illuminated the meaning of mind/body. You do your CBT, then you do your DBT. In other words, gain empathy, gain strength and insight and distress tolerance, then do body work to integrate everything, consolidate, put the energy where it belongs. Put your money where your mouth is. Learn to calm down. Perfectionism is our curse. In my Inhale Peace practice I am teaching young people to take more risks, to get out of their rooms, to do something creative, purposeful and consistent, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. Have a reason to wake up each day and make MISTAKES. Making mistakes, as Aaron Beck has repeatedly pointed out, is the ONLY way we learn and gather experience. Avoidance only reinforces avoidance. How easy it is! But how constricting. Boredom, not depression is the scourge of young people. Don't mistake boredom for depression. Boredom can be remedied. In fact, why not do something new today? Go around the block if you haven't been out. Start small. Cook dinner for your family! Take a ride. One of my clients tried a new coffee place every day during quarantine. It's his only daily adventure! Get off your phones. Try online learning. Although I haven't been too happy doing Yoga online, get outside and take a stretch. Move around. Yes the body holds the stress, the mind perpetuates it. Take a break! Really. It can't hurt.

The Balancing Act of Parenthood When you're traveling, you get tired. I recently traveled to DC to see my wonderfully grown-up kid. She accomplished so much in her 20s—much more than I ever did. But I was exhausted, and out of my mouth came the following sentence: She: "Mom, you seem tired." Me: "I feel as if my entire life-force energy just drained out of me and into you!" It was hot. She did not appreciate this statement and said she wouldn't have kids based on that. OK, can you give a Mom a break?!! Moms get few breaks. That's why we often find ourselves frustrated with Dads. They simply cannot multitask in the ways that we can. Their brains are wired differently. (Men tend to disconnect from feelings - read more here ) Juggling Responsibilities I am trying to work, take care of myself, run a household, and support my grown kids—all while figuring out what happens next. And let's not forget, the world feels like it's on fire, but nobody seems to be able to stop it. The Wheel of Life In this wheel lies the secret to aging well! If only all of these aspects could be balanced, life would be grand. Often, the people I work with, including myself, have an imbalance in at least two areas. Emotional and psychological support can work wonders. Financial confusion has nearly ruined me, but I can seek help there too! Physical health is tricky because our bodies sometimes lose track of what’s going on (haha). I find social and spiritual aspects to be the icing on the cake. It's essential to carve out time to explore what's happening in your mind and body, gaining new insights about integration. The Importance of Hobbies In these challenging times, we need consistency and creativity! Having a hobby allows us to grow, stretch, and care for others. Simple activities like sitting, walking, breathing, or praying can set a positive intention. Explore spiritual practices here . Navigating Change and Embracing Authenticity In this life, you must make hard choices. Pain and regret are inevitable. What makes you think you won't experience them? Change is an internal process. I had to overcome a lot, and while I don’t dwell on it, I do feel overwhelmed at times. Don’t sit around marinating in disappointment and grief forever. Taking Risks for Authenticity Take a risk to be the authentic you. Be kind to yourself. Stop worrying about what others think. Their opinions of you are none of your business! We only have this one sacred life. Finding Peace Amidst Chaos Life can be chaotic, but it's crucial to find moments of peace. Whether through meditation, nature walks, or simply enjoying a cup of tea, these moments can help ground us. Building a Support Network Surround yourself with supportive people. Friends, family, or even online communities can provide the encouragement we need. Sharing our experiences can lighten the load and foster connection. The Journey of Self-Discovery Self-discovery is a lifelong journey. Embrace it! Learn about your strengths and weaknesses. Understand what brings you joy and what drains your energy. This awareness can guide your choices and help you lead a more fulfilling life. Conclusion: Embrace Your Journey Remember, life is not about perfection. It's about progress. Embrace your journey, with all its ups and downs. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small, and be gentle with yourself during tough times. We only have this one sacred life. Let's make it count!

Dreams of falling are among the most common and vivid experiences people report. They often leave a lingering sense of unease or confusion upon waking. What do these dreams really mean? Are they just random brain activity, or do they carry deeper messages about our waking lives? Exploring the symbolism behind dreams of falling can reveal insights into our emotions, fears, and personal challenges. What Falling Dreams Typically Represent Falling in a dream often reflects feelings of losing control or insecurity. This sensation can relate to various areas of life, such as relationships, work, or personal goals. The sudden drop can symbolize a fear of failure or a lack of stability. Loss of control: Many people experience falling dreams during times of stress or uncertainty. The dream mirrors the sensation of being overwhelmed or unable to manage a situation. Fear of failure: Falling can represent anxiety about not meeting expectations or fear of making mistakes. Transition and change: Sometimes falling signals a period of change where the dreamer feels unsteady or unsure about the future. These interpretations depend on the dreamer's current life circumstances and emotional state. For example, someone facing job insecurity might dream of falling to express their worries about financial stability. Common Variations and Their Meanings The details in falling dreams can add layers of meaning. Consider these common variations: Falling from a great height: This often intensifies the feeling of vulnerability or fear. It may suggest the dreamer feels overwhelmed by a situation that seems beyond their control. Falling but not hitting the ground: This can indicate a fear of failure that is not yet realized or a hope that things will improve before reaching a breaking point. Falling into water: Water often symbolizes emotions. Falling into water might suggest the dreamer is confronting deep feelings or emotional turmoil. Falling and waking up suddenly: This is a classic experience that may reflect the body’s physical reaction to the sensation of falling, but it also highlights the dreamer’s anxiety or stress. Understanding these nuances helps connect the dream to specific emotional or psychological challenges. Psychological Perspectives on Falling Dreams Psychologists often view dreams of falling as expressions of subconscious fears. According to research, these dreams can be linked to: Stress and anxiety: Studies show that people under high stress report more frequent falling dreams. Self-esteem issues: Falling can symbolize feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing status. Unresolved conflicts: The sensation of falling might represent internal struggles or conflicts that the dreamer has not addressed. For example, a person going through a breakup might dream of falling to express their emotional instability and fear of losing control over their life. How to Reflect on Your Falling Dreams To gain personal insight from falling dreams, consider these steps: Recall the context: What was happening in your life when you had the dream? Stressful events or changes often trigger falling dreams. Note your feelings: Were you scared, calm, or indifferent during the fall? Your emotional response can reveal how you handle challenges. Look for patterns: Do you have falling dreams regularly? Frequent dreams might indicate ongoing anxiety or unresolved issues. Connect to waking life: Identify areas where you feel unstable or insecure. The dream may be urging you to address these concerns. Keeping a dream journal can help track these patterns and deepen your understanding. Practical Ways to Address Falling Dreams If falling dreams disturb your sleep or cause anxiety, try these approaches: Stress management: Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to reduce overall stress. Improve sleep hygiene: Maintain a consistent sleep schedule and create a calming bedtime routine. Talk it out: Discuss your dreams and feelings with a trusted friend or therapist to gain perspective. Set intentions before sleep: Visualize positive outcomes or stability to influence your dream content. My dream had me slipping off a high mountain path -- holding onto someone else (who????) and as we fell through the sky I may have had a very present, surrendering feeling of process; I am here; I am falling. I fell into a body of water often nearby mountain cliffs (oceanic). There could be some positives here. Letting myself fall could be the beginning of aligning with the reality of change. I may not like it but I was able to go with it.

My daughter recently traveled to Hawaii after completing the grueling two-day BAR exam. This exam is not about drinking at a bar; it’s the one that qualifies individuals to practice law in our country, ensuring that all people are safe, secure, and entitled to due process. What an achievement! The Emotional Rollercoaster When she expressed feelings of worry, insecurity, and overwhelm, I reassured her that these emotions were completely normal. It’s common to feel jealous of friends who seem to navigate life effortlessly. I reminded her that it’s okay to care deeply about others, like her anorexic friend, while still feeling overwhelmed. Life is full of tremendous changes, and we all face difficulty in the face of this change. Let's have therapists normalize this as growth, development, learning, and character, not weakness, paralysis and pathology! I recall a time when my sister asked, "How did I get here?" Life takes us on unexpected journeys, teaching us valuable lessons along the way. As Pema Chodron wisely said, " Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know ." Life can be a good teacher, presenting difficulties as opportunities rather than problems to avoid. When my 26 yo client said, I don't know who I am, I said, as my therapist once told me, "What makes you think anyone knows these things?!" All a process. This article from NY Times explains it well: “Ask a dozen therapists what they do that best promotes change in their clients, and you’ll hear just as many answers.” The Power of Normalizing in Therapy A skilled therapist will tell you that normalizing is about letting people know they are not alone in their struggles and they don't have to identify with their struggles. While at the same time not minimizing those same issues. This is especially beneficial in group therapy settings. In a suicide bereavement group I facilitate for a small non-profit, I’ve witnessed members normalize grief for newcomers. They especially do this through sharing, joking, and even laughing in the face of immense tragedy. It bonds them to each other instead of the pain. In therapy, normalizing refers to helping clients understand that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are typical given their circumstances. It reassures them that they are not alone in their challenges. Benefits of Normalizing in Therapy Normalizing offers several key benefits to clients: Reduces Shame and Isolation: Many individuals feel alone or ashamed of their struggles. Normalizing reassures them that their feelings are not unusual, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance. Promotes Open Communication: When clients feel less stigmatized, they are more likely to speak openly about their concerns, leading to a more productive therapeutic process. Enhances Self-Esteem and Fosters Self-Compassion: Normalizing helps clients realize that their struggles do not define their worth. It encourages them to be kind to themselves during tough times. Perseverance Through Challenges When I’ve faced challenges that seemed insurmountable—whether in parenting, finances, or creative pursuits—my support system often reminded me, "This too shall pass." Perseverance is key. Some individuals have persevered for generations. My family, for instance, fled Russia during the pogroms of World War I. That must have been terrifying! My grandmother was one of four sisters born after their mother arrived at Ellis Island. Tragically, a fifth sister died shortly after birth from scarlet fever. What Not to Normalize While normalizing experiences can be beneficial, there are certain aspects of life that should not be normalized. Recognizing these can help us maintain a healthy perspective and encourage positive change. Abuse: Any form of abuse—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—should never be normalized. It's crucial to seek help and support in these situations. Mental Health Issues: Struggling with mental health should not be seen as a normal part of life. It's important to address these issues with professional help. Unhealthy Relationships: Accepting toxic or unhealthy relationships as normal can lead to further emotional harm. Healthy boundaries and mutual respect should be prioritized. Discrimination: Normalizing discrimination or prejudice in any form is harmful. It’s essential to challenge and combat these attitudes. Chronic Stress: Living in a constant state of stress should not be accepted as normal. Finding ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is vital. By recognizing what should not be normalized, we can foster a healthier mindset and encourage others to seek the support they need.