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My Daughter's Hawaii Trip My daughter recently traveled to Hawaii after completing the grueling two-day BAR exam. This exam is not about drinking at a bar; it’s the one that qualifies individuals to practice law in our country, ensuring that all people are safe, secure, and entitled to due process. What an achievement! The Emotional Rollercoaster When she expressed feelings of worry, insecurity, and overwhelm, I reassured her that these emotions were completely normal. It’s common to feel jealous of friends who seem to navigate life effortlessly. I reminded her that it’s okay to care deeply about others, like her anorexic friend, while still feeling overwhelmed. Life is full of tremendous changes, and we all face challenges. I recall a time when my sister asked, "How did I get here?" Life takes us on unexpected journeys, teaching us valuable lessons along the way. As Pema Chodron wisely said, " Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know ." Life can be a good teacher, presenting difficulties as opportunities for growth rather than problems to avoid. When my 26 yo client said, I don't know who I am, I said, as my therapist once told me, "What makes you think anyone knows these things?!" All a process. The Power of Normalizing in Therapy A skilled therapist will tell you that normalizing is about letting people know they are not alone in their struggles and they don't have to identify with their struggles. While at the same time not minimizing those same issues. This is especially beneficial in group therapy settings. In a suicide bereavement group I facilitate for a small non-profit, I’ve witnessed members normalize grief for newcomers. They especially do this through sharing, joking, and even laughing in the face of immense tragedy. It bonds them to each other instead of the pain. In therapy, normalizing refers to helping clients understand that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are typical given their circumstances. It reassures them that they are not alone in their challenges. Benefits of Normalizing in Therapy Normalizing offers several key benefits to clients: Reduces Shame and Isolation: Many individuals feel alone or ashamed of their struggles. Normalizing reassures them that their feelings are not unusual, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance. Promotes Open Communication: When clients feel less stigmatized, they are more likely to speak openly about their concerns, leading to a more productive therapeutic process. Enhances Self-Esteem and Fosters Self-Compassion: Normalizing helps clients realize that their struggles do not define their worth. It encourages them to be kind to themselves during tough times. Perseverance Through Challenges When I’ve faced challenges that seemed insurmountable—whether in parenting, finances, or creative pursuits—my support system often reminded me, "This too shall pass." Perseverance is key. Some individuals have persevered for generations. My family, for instance, fled Russia during the pogroms of World War I. That must have been terrifying! My grandmother was one of four sisters born after their mother arrived at Ellis Island. Tragically, a fifth sister died shortly after birth from scarlet fever. What Not to Normalize While normalizing experiences can be beneficial, there are certain aspects of life that should not be normalized. Recognizing these can help us maintain a healthy perspective and encourage positive change. Abuse: Any form of abuse—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—should never be normalized. It's crucial to seek help and support in these situations. Mental Health Issues: Struggling with mental health should not be seen as a normal part of life. It's important to address these issues with professional help. Unhealthy Relationships: Accepting toxic or unhealthy relationships as normal can lead to further emotional harm. Healthy boundaries and mutual respect should be prioritized. Discrimination: Normalizing discrimination or prejudice in any form is harmful. It’s essential to challenge and combat these attitudes. Chronic Stress: Living in a constant state of stress should not be accepted as normal. Finding ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is vital. By recognizing what should not be normalized, we can foster a healthier mindset and encourage others to seek the support they need.

Ipswich, MA Summer 2025 A 27-yo female came to my office in 2025 wearing a mask. So I thought, hmmm, COVID is kind of over, dare I say, so why would a beautiful young adult be afraid now? During the in-person intake session she explained that she's been hiding her whole life. She appeared shut down and she said she couldn't talk about most things - she would be too worried about me! I then shared the way that therapy works. Hesitant, she said she needs time. As an experienced clinician I knew exactly what this meant: her trauma story. Part of me wanted to know. To keep the day moving. To see what I'm dealing with. The girl behind the mask. But that was me being selfish. I told myself to slow down and match her energy. It might be cool to hear this on TikTok, but it's a real life skill that can be quite helpful. It starts with the parent-child attachment and it's called "co-regulation." Co-regulation in a clinical setting refers to the process by which healthcare providers and patients work together to manage emotional and physiological states. This collaborative approach emphasizes the importance of interpersonal relationships in fostering a supportive environment, which can enhance patient outcomes (See: relational approach/integrative approach). By actively engaging in co-regulation, clinicians can help patients feel more secure and understood, ultimately leading to improved compliance with treatment and better overall health. I also understand that I am a good co-regulator because I do it too much. As a life-long people-pleaser it comes easily. Match the mood and you stay out of trouble. Any trauma survivor knows this. Just ask an adult child of an alcoholic parent. They know their way around. But to skillfully do it in a session takes a lot of patience. I think of my mother. How she helped children to read. What amount of patience did that take??!! Boy, I could never have done that. I slowed down my pacing, which is also a thing in therapy, assuming the dog doesn't completely wreck it. Most good books on trauma will tell you. Take your time. Repeating the story isn't a have-to. Generally it helps though. Should You Tell the Trauma Story or Does That Re-Traumatize in Therapy? When navigating the complexities of trauma in therapy, the decision to share your trauma story can be daunting. On one hand, recounting your experiences can be a vital part of the healing process, allowing you to process emotions, gain insight, and integrate the trauma into your life narrative. This storytelling can foster a sense of empowerment and agency, as it shifts the focus from being a victim to becoming an active participant in your recovery. However, there is a valid concern that revisiting traumatic events may lead to re-traumatization, where the act of recounting the trauma exacerbates feelings of distress and anxiety. It is crucial for therapists to create a safe and supportive environment, utilizing techniques such as grounding exercises and gradual exposure , to help clients navigate their stories at a pace that feels manageable. Ultimately, the choice to tell the trauma story should be guided by individual readiness and the therapeutic relationship, ensuring that the process promotes healing rather than harm. Importance of Yoga, Mindfulness, and Distress Tolerance in Healing Yoga, mindfulness, and distress tolerance play vital roles in the healing process. Here are some key reasons why they are essential: Promotes Relaxation: Both yoga and mindfulness techniques help in reducing stress and promoting relaxation. Improves Focus: Mindfulness enhances concentration and helps individuals stay present, which can aid in the healing journey. Enhances Emotional Regulation: Distress tolerance skills equip individuals with tools to manage difficult emotions effectively. Physical Benefits: Yoga improves physical health, flexibility, and strength, which can contribute to overall well-being. Mind-Body Connection: These practices foster a deeper connection between the mind and body, facilitating holistic healing. Getting toward the end of session - process, process in the here-and-now. How are you doing? How was it to be here? Then I get the courage to say some words - I don't honestly know how long I've been doing this work, but it felt so right. Thank God it landed: "I have a feeling that some really bad things happened to you," I say quietly. She nods, still much frozen. She knows that the Body Keeps the Score. I hope she comes back.

Boyz to Men I don't see many boys. It seems they don't like therapy. And the world watches as they become angrier, disenfranchised, downsized and addicted. Why why why - if I only knew I'd be rich. Well you can't blame the Mothers. That's old news. Now men are armed and dangerous. Every time they raise their voices I myself get a little more afraid. So what, if anything, can be done about this rage? Channel it? I like David Hoag. He stands up to challenge the status quo only after witnessing the unimaginable. I like Steven Colbert. He acts impenetrable in the face of doom. I even like Doug Emhoff and Pete Buddigege who push back on anti semitism and lgbtg shaming. How did they get their voices to be reasonable? How are the fathers doing? Probably not too fine as their 401ks stumble and their workspaces shrink. Probably not so thrilled that their college savings bought their kids access to what exactly? Clearly it's time for new leadership. New role models. What? Barack Obama wasn't cool enough for you? Now what? A young man in my office is bright and worthy and emotionally astute. I'm so proud of him as he battles his demeaning father's narcissism. Another one is doing so well after facing down porn addiction and shame during his teen years. He will go on to feel normal again. And still another young man tries desperately not to fall into grief after a big family secret unraveled his reality. He can manage by leaning into his more true self, a more compassionate one. What they all share is a willingness to create space. Men always ask me the how of it all. This IS the how. Being present. Being woke even. Allowing anger to rise and fall as all things do. Giving permission to a more spontaneous version of heck yeah I'll try it, not running away. The how is the process. The how is listening. The how is now. Shake off and dissolve the story of what you think is happening and watch for a new one. The grooves have moved. The story is unfolding. Awake! Men may not be good with emotion for many evolutionary reasons. But some men can evolve with patience and a deference to their better halves!

My Father was a book man. Door to door at first, like his father, selling magazines before him, although they both had a secret penchant for sneaking away from work and playing bridge or ping pong or chess somewhere in Queens, NY. The books kept coming as he worked his way from seller to publisher to agent to producer. Long years of Tolkien and Roth and Atwood and Smiley; of Atlas Shrugged and Night; of East of Eden and Crime and Punishment, of reading, buying, editing, talking, books, books books. It was an idyllic childhood having literature at my fingertips. We also played every kind of ball, and I endured some rage from him as he was a serious competitor. My father and I adored each other, and our relationship defined my life. Until it didn’t. When he walked out not long after my 15th birthday, (and I was a late bloomer, even more devastating), things didn’t not turn out so well. Gone was my number one cheerleader besides my ever-nurturing mom. My father was bright, good looking, athletic and charismatic. A real live narcissist. It was a blast. He never laid a hand on me, but was big on smacking tennis balls and throwing rackets. His bipolar mood swings were under control with medication and my parents thankfully were not big drinkers (preferring ice cream). The world has changed so dramatically since 9/11 I used to think. My parents missed my kids’ things because my mom died young and my dad was on the other coast. Bicoastal was his term; of course I never liked it. When I visited him at his new home in California, I hated that too. He did not take me to outdoor adventures, but rather to Rodeo Drive and Universal Studios. He was caught up in a new culture. Once we bumped into a real movie star whom I admired, William Shatner, on the street. I was not in awe of Los Angeles. I found it to be full of fakers and takers. I didn’t understand why no one seemed to work but everyone was in line for the next-big-thing in the movie business. My dad’s bold idea was to bring books to movies and introduce them into a partnership. Some might say he was visionary in that. He failed. No matter, because life was good out there in LA LA Land. He also failed on the child support, which tore my mother up, as she worked tirelessly as a teacher - special ed English, Bronx, NY - while he sipped in his martinis and screenplays. My mother’s economic fortunes shifted downward, as is typical in divorce, and we went off to college feeling a deep sense of otherness at our new found drop in status. I was able to identify that I needed help. I kept latching on to the wrong people, hoping they could replace my missing father. But it was the ONGOING coming and going of him that set me off balance. It’s one thing to be abandoned, but over and over again? He would come in like a Disneyland Dad for sure, and then leave at the airport or train or taxi or whatever, and it was emotional whiplash. I never understood that I was his narcissistic supply until later. Our relationship had inverted. After my father’s funeral, after I had shipped his worthless antiquarian book collection back and forth across the country several times at my own expense, I let out a long, hollowed out howl that came from the darkest corner of my soul. It was cleansing to be sure. I felt as if I could fly, that’s how long it had been since I exhaled. I feel guilty that I’m not sadder. I also had a dream some time later. I was walking away from a funeral procession (presumably his?), and a dancing witch (not unlike Helena Bonham Carter in “Big Fish”) was laughing and dancing behind the crowd. She turned her head to look at me, wagged her finger and cackled distinctly, “I won’t be seeing you again,” (or something to that effect). Again I felt released. To this day I cannot recall the last book my dad and I discussed when he was hospitalized and bloated with water from congestive heart failure - though I can remember all the other books we shared together. I must have blocked it out. The mind is a strange thing when it goes from insecure people-pleasing to living on your own terms. Perhaps there’s a book in that.

In my groups we discuss pets a lot. I have always allowed space for my clients and their pets. Pets are an amazing source of comfort to so many. Of course and they don't talk back!! I have watched many of my clients grieve the loss of their pets. This is a process like no other. The stages of grief, which it turns out, are NOT LINEAR, will help to guide us, but there's so much more. The loss can last a day a week or a year. The entire family is effected. You cannot replace a beloved pet. In some cases, I've noted, pets receive better care than humans do. More and more people ask me for letters of support for a pet providing emotional wellness. I am happy to do that for people with whom I work. Kids going off to college have even asked me for an emotional support Guinea pig. Why not? My husband told me he had a dog during college that went off leash and followed him around to his classes. I currently have 3 pets and it's a lot of work; but they have given me such joy. My neighbor's dog suddenly passed away last week. All we can say is that loss is loss. There's no easy way to get through it but to go through it. Pets came way before therapy and they'll probably sustain us long after AI has taken our jobs! So allow your family and clients to do whatever they need to for the short-term. In fact, here's what Google AI says about dealing with it: Some other reasons why losing a pet can be hard include: Isolation Grieving the loss of a pet can feel isolating because it's considered a disenfranchised grief in today's society. Comments like "It's just a dog" or "Are you going to get another cat" can fe el hurtful. Depression It's normal to feel a sinking feeling of depression after losing a pet, but it can be detrimental if the depression doesn't subside after sev eral months. Difficulty concentrating You might have trouble focusing and concentrating on tasks, which can lead to forgetting things, misplacing things, or feeling like yo u have no energy to think. Guilt You might feel guilty for having to euthanize a pet, or if your pet died a natural death, you might think you should have had them euthanized to prevent suf fering. Anger You might feel angry at the vet, at yourself, or even at your pet for leavin g you.  And here's more practical advise from the Humane Society: ( https://www.humanesociety.org/news/grieving-loss-companion-animal ) Reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear. Do a little research online, and you'll find hundreds of resources and support groups that may be helpful to you. Some of these include: The Pet Compassion Careline, which provides 24/7 grief support with trained pet grief counselors. Lap of Love, which provides grief courses and 50-minute one-on-one support sessions with a grief counselor. Everlife Support Groups by state. Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement support groups, available at specific times throughout the week. If you are part of a congregation, ask if your place of worship offers bereavement support for pet loss. Memorialize your pet through a bereavement ritual. You might: Spread your pet’s ashes somewhere special, or reserve a place in your home for your pet’s ashes and photos of your pet. Plant a native tree or flowering shrub in memory of your pet. Create a memory box with your pet’s collar or favorite toys. Purchase a product that incorporates your pet’s ashes into a memorial necklace, bracelet, ring or suncatcher. (Search “pet cremation jewelry.”) Commission a painting, statue, memorial stone or plush animal representation of your pet. (Search “pet memorial” on Etsy.com for a wide range of options at all price points.) Write about your feelings, or write a letter to your pet about all the things you’d like to say to them or how you’d have liked to spend your last day with them. Write an obituary for your pet. Share photos and memories of your pet via social media. People and pets are inseparable and we love them with all our hearts. Give your little guy a pat on the head and an extra treat tonight. He got you through a lot of long days.

In therapy 3's are dangerous.  The potential for triangulation is rife.  Three means exclusion, secrets, pairs and pains.  Like the original three (mom, dad, baby), or in religion; jealousy or competition.  I learned a hard lesson about three many years ago when two of my friends "boxed me out" because of some nonsense with the kids.  I was mortified.  It took me years to get over it.  I still get nauseous when I see them out together, so I can only imagine how a teenager must feel, seeing friends on social media without even an invitation. My client yesterday informed me that this very thing had happened. She marched right up to those girls and demanded, why was I not included?  I don't think I would have had the guts to do that in high school. Then again, we didn't have exclusive, hierarchical  "friend groups."  You were free to float to your heart's content, and that worked well for me. As a social creature, I could manipulate things so that groups overlapped and I was never too lonely.  It worked as an insurance plan against feeling left out.  Why being on your own is so awful, it's hard to say.  I wasn't particularly bothered about being alone at times in my life.  In fact, I think I'm the rare exception - I could be an introvert or an extrovert on many occasions.  But knowing you were deliberately left behind is surely torture.  As my 10th grade client from an affluent suburb said, "I  looked like I had no friends."  What does that mean?  Why does it matter what it looks like? Kids really and truly think that people are watching them.  It's no wonder they're upset and paranoid. Three came up in another instance in my work with a younger child, a middle schooler.  I had been working with this highly verbal and precocious child for close to two years.  Whenever I suggested we were done, she insisted, no-- call me next Wednesday.  Here was a kid who was being asked by her mom to be a kind of investigator-in-training against dad, and his problems.  She could describe in minute detail his every move, whether at home or out at a party.  How many drinks he had, how many times he went to the restroom, how many times he lost his balance, where he hid his keys, etc. "She's good at it," said mom.  The kid is 12!!  Do you think this job contributes to her anxiety? (I wondered rhetorically).  Now I'm the detective. Finally, after several weeks of me not sleeping, I asked the mom, with whom I have a relationship, could we have a family meeting.  "I'm too stressed out," she replied.  "I can't nail him down," she replied.  On my third attempt, she blew me off completely.  I asked the child permission to reach out to dad.  Upon calling him, and putting him at ease, I explained my concerns.  By elevating the child to the triangle she essentially was too scared to do anything but her mother's bidding. By alerting the dad, he spoke with her and alleviated her responsibilities in this regard.  "You're fired!" he said to her.  With my help, he also told her, if it happens again, simply say, I can't do it anymore, I'm busy.  When I next talked to her, she was beyond relieved.  It was as if she was experiencing childhood again.  She was taken out of triangulation and put squarely into 7th grade again.  Let the dyad work it out.  And note to therapist/self: do not wait to engage parents when you get a red flag.  Soon you'll be triangulated if you don't!

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free! A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly? Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that. WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone. So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!

I am currently running three groups: teen girls, young adult women and 30-something women. The technology is the easy part. Zoom is barely adequate to cover the range of real human emotions during this unprecidented time. Zoom is usually freezing just when I guide the person to be relaxed enough to connect to her inner fears and feelings. Zoom is the easy part.   TEENS The hard parts depend upon which age group you are in. For example, teen girls' biggest complaint? You guessed it: BOREDOM. Sure lots of kids in the 'burbs where I work have many privileges: lessons, country homes, nannies, big backyards. But what of the others? The ones whose parents have double shifts and cannot afford these luxurious freedoms? These kids are in their bedrooms staring at the ceiling. They don't care about gourmet cooking classes or math tutoring or the next iteration of TikTok. Video games, YouTube and snapping is all they have. Day after day they don't leave the house. They don't have vitamin D on their faces and in their retinas. They have screens. This is old news. However, in the pandemic it's a thousand times more isolating. Imagine if you're an quirky kid with one good friend whom you only see at school lunch and now even that is gone? You sit in your room and mope. You feel glued to the bed. You are achy even though you're only 15 years old. You wonder if your friends will even remember you in the fall. You have reversed day and night. This virus is a total rip-off. Time seems to slow down. It's called depression. I can stand on my head over zoom and say pleeeeeeze try bird watching. Just something. But no. And no, they say, "my parents don't believe in medication for depression." The weight of this crisis is crushing our kids. One large, heavy weight right on the chest area. The only thing to do: BREATHE. YOUNG ADULTS For young adults it's even more devastating in some cases. Yes, bored, depressed, anxious, alone, sad, frustrated. There are so many words; none make sense anymore. Just like the words to describe our president, our world, our economy, our environment, our future -- loss and loss of words. The best word is: BROKEN, fractured, polarized. It's getting more complicated for a young adult to launch. One of my kids, having just graduated from a top college, is working from her childhood bedroom. The other is trying to locate an off-campus apartment just to be near school, if not in it. Hard enough to deal with living at home, no money, job, friends, getting a license to drive, going to a restaurant, waiting at the post office, taking classes online. Sure some kids are wonderfully prepared. They have a sunny attitude and they have the main thing that everyone needs right now: MOTIVATION. Reporting from the group of 20-30yo young adults is a different vibe: I'm too anxious/confused/lost to go out, to send an email, to follow-up, (which, in my opinion, is the key to adulting). The group lets them see that we are all struggling. That is a comfort. But some are struggling much more than others.  This is serious. SO they get some free counseling. Then what? PAUSE is their mantra now. And PAUSE sucks. 30-SOMETHINGS Now introduce the 30 year olds. They want to enjoy their kids, or trying to have kids or settling down or traveling or spreading their wings and finding a purpose. This is their developmental GOAL. And yet. Who can say when you can go to vacation, send kids on playdates, go back to work. Some are dying to go back. Some never want to go back. They are tired of sheltering in place. They need a babysitter. Covid is the triple crown of childcare problems: noone in and noone out, just you. And yet, the boss never said you could work whenever you feel like it. Nope. She never did. I see my neighbors down the block running tag-team, lap-tops outside while kids bike by back and forth, wheeeee! They have no free time; they look like zombies. Time itself is fleeting, receeding back to where we cannot plan even if we're planners.  My advise? Stay CALM and KEEP it day to day. This is the only control there is. And also, smell the flowers.

girl stretching Navigating the teenage years can be a rough journey, especially when anxiety becomes a frequent companion. As a parent, it’s essential to understand this challenge to provide support and foster an environment where emotions can be shared openly. With anxiety rates among teens rising, with a reported increase of 25% in anxiety symptoms from 2011 to 2021, recognizing and dealing with these issues is more important than ever. Anxiety can show up in various ways—from worries about grades and social situations to feelings of loneliness. My work with teens facing these challenges has taught me valuable lessons that can assist you as a parent. Understanding Teen Anxiety It's normal for teens to experience some degree of anxiety, but distinguishing between typical feelings and more serious issues is vital. For instance, I met a girl who struggled intensely with anxiety about her school performance. She felt sick to her stomach before every math test, fearing failure. This vivid example illustrates how anxiety can infiltrate everyday life and impact relationships. Delving into the root causes of anxiety is a key step toward addressing it effectively. Studies show that 70% of teens report feeling stressed by academic pressures. Other sources of anxiety include peer relationships, social media influence, and high parental expectations. Being mindful of these factors can help foster understanding. For example, I had a client who failed her chemistry final - she was upset not because of her grade, but because others could see her crying outside the bathroom at school! Kids actually feel that they are being watched all the time! (Are they?) I try to work with: "who cares?!" in this situation. Seriously, everyone is so worked up about their own troubles, why would they notice you? The Signs of Anxiety Identifying anxiety in teens can be difficult but doesn't have to be. What's fascinating is that some teens can handle it just fine. During college, my boyfriend at the time once took apart a car (my car!!) and put it back together again - then also got straight A's in college by never, and I mean never, studying! Others are so demanding and hypercritical of themselves that they are paralyzed and stuck in procrastination loops. At some point, you gotta just "do it." They might not communicate their feelings directly but instead show changes in behavior, such as my favorite non-coping mechanism: avoidance. Avoidance does nothing for you but intensify anxiety. From my experience, typical signs include: Increased irritability or mood swings Withdrawal from social interactions Unusual sleep patterns, either insomnia or oversleeping Trouble concentrating on schoolwork or tasks Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches without clear medical reasons If you see any of these signs in your child, consider initiating a gentle conversation about their feelings. Creating a trusting and non-judgmental space encourages them to share their worries. In these cases, I often work with the idea of "thought choice/stopping." You have a choice in each moment how to act and what to do. No one ever told me this; I thought I was doomed to anxious thoughts. Pick and choose your worries. Open Communication Maintaining open communication is one of the best tools for addressing teen anxiety. I learned that a non-confrontational environment - but even more so - an actively supportive environment - invites teens to express their emotions (especially if you use humor). ("What's the worst that could happen?"). Jon Haight says they need more free play - of course! I love hearing the kids in my neighborhood play. That carefree world of going home at dusk is over - but the freedom to make mistakes is still around... Instead of "stranger danger," says Haight, monitor their phones, not their street cred. One client said she was terrified letting her child go to the city alone. Go and rescue him, or let him sort it out? My child missed the last train - go and rescue her or make her take an expensive Uber?! Tough one. If determined to be safe, marinating in the consequences of bad judgment teaches some great life-long lessons indeed. Tools for Managing Anxiety Here are some practical strategies to help your teen manage anxiety effectively: Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques : Activities such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can be effective in reducing anxiety. Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided sessions that can introduce these practices seamlessly into your teen's routine. Physical Activity : Encourage your teen to find physical activities they enjoy, whether it’s team sports, dance, or just walking. Regular exercise has been shown to lower anxiety levels significantly, contributing to improved mental health. Creative Outlets : Encourage artistic expressions like drawing, music, or writing. Engaging in these activities can provide a constructive way for teens to process their feelings. Limit Media Consumption : The constant flow of news and social media can escalate anxiety. Encourage limited screen time to help your teen disconnect from triggers and focus on their mental health. Seek Professional Help When Needed : If anxiety continues or worsens, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional. Early help can lead to effective coping strategies that assist your teen in managing anxiety long-term. Support Networks Building a reliable support network is crucial for your child's mental health. Encourage them to engage with friends who uplift them and to participate in clubs or activities that reflect their interests. Getting involved in community groups—whether through sports, art classes, or academic clubs—can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and anxiety. These connections promote a sense of belonging and are invaluable during challenging times. Always remind your teen that leaning on friends is natural and often necessary. A peaceful space for reflection and relaxation. Final Thoughts Addressing teen anxiety is a complex journey, but with the right tools and strategies, you can empower your child to face their feelings head-on. By fostering open communication, teaching coping skills, and encouraging strong connections, you can make a significant difference in your teen's ability to manage their anxiety. Remember, many parents share similar experiences and challenges. With understanding and compassion, we can create nurturing environments for our teens, allowing them to grow and thrive. Your active involvement is key to helping prevent panic and building resilience in your child's life. Let’s navigate this path together, supporting our teens every step of the way. (Try my course for more insights!)

When my books flooded I was of course devastated.  Most of these I have duplicated on my kindle already.  But who can read anymore?  Lack of concentration, old age, pandemic languishing, check, check and check.  Growing up surrounded by books, I never took them for granted.  From the earliest age, I could remember the glee of receiving a box from the Bantam bestseller list every month.  My father worked in the industry when it was glamorous, like Mad Men.  My parents had those same floral prints on their clothes and couches during the 70's.  I think for a minute they were a power couple.  Now publishing is an outpost of top authors and die hards but most of us don't read.  I tried to listen to a book recently -- too many distractions.  Savoring the hard won inner journey of devouring a good novel is one of life's greatest joys.   And yet as the industry tanked, so did our family.   The books stopped coming when my father took off for a venture into film which never quite accelerated, after some brief successes.  As the world turned digital, I embraced it. My father did not.  He's read more than anyone I know and doesn't even wear glasses in his old age.  I guess denying your age has its benefits.  But denying that your whole industry has disappeared is not so helpful.  My best girlfriend realized her business of menswear clothing design was vanishing so she shifted gears to social work, of all things. But not my dad.  The books were his lifeblood.  How can you toss a book?  Truly.  Only a person of brazen lack of self-regard could treat books this way. Books made you smart.  I once offered my daughter $200 to read The Hobbit . The arrogance and narcissism and mood swings around my father continued to swirl from coast to coast, legendary book man that he was -- now flirting with girls half his age out of Bryn Mawr -- wannabe copy editors and such, he thought he was still in the game long after it was over.  Like Willy Loman he just kept pitching those manuscripts to whomever would listen.  Being graced with youthful good looks only fueled his need.  Hear ye, hear ye, come get a book or two.  My sister also had a need to be heard and subsequently became a drama teacher.  Everyone in my family and my husband's were all English majors of one varietal or another.  School teachers, speech therapists, theater people, writers, educators, editors and poets.  These were our people.   What does any of this have to do with therapy you ask?  Well teens and young adults who are working, studying, creating goals and visions, taking summer school, and getting internships are doing well in this grind we call our economy.  Yet those who lost their motivation during the pandemic have no tools for getting out of bed.  Not a surprise, it all comes back to my favorite intervention: structure.  A daily routine and a nightly routine, and creating a separation between the two is a start.  You can even trick yourself into having structure. But the looming longness of our days seems to have the opposite effect: boredom and then catatonia.  As my yoga teacher says, "set an intention."  Even for the smallest things. You can stretch and grow and make mistakes and still live to tell the tale. Surviving a layoff, a breakup, a bad boss and an office party -- even a pandemic, are all opportunities for learning.  In Burn's book "Feeling Good," the bible of CBT, he simply states that making mistakes is the ONLY way to learn.  And in my favorite Ted Talk, Meg Jay says, your 20's is the time to try things.  How else can you know what you like or don't like?  Again and again young women come to my office or screen saying "I'm afraid/crippled/fearful/paralyzed/triggered that I don't know what I'm supposed to know." How can you know without experience?  How can you get where you're going without trial and error?  I like the expression, you can't blame yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you knew it...  Get outside and keep your body moving. The only way around is through.  Then curl up with a good book and sit a while.