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Working as a consultant for a local suicide prevention group, I have been exposed to harrowing stories and heartbreaking losses.  Especially concerning is childhood trauma.  The guru of this work is Bessel van der Kolk, whom I was lucky enough to meet in 2020 at Kripalu.  He says ours is a violent country with a gun-loving history from the gun lobby's interpretation of the 2nd amendment, which says nothing about an individual's right to own guns (only a militia). Safety is something we cannot take for granted anymore. School shootings are a significant focus of our pathology as a culture.   1. Buckle up - if you asked me ten years ago if I would want to work in this space I would have said unequivocally, "hell no!" - it's scary.  You need a sense of being grounded.  I believe I have finally reached the right level of age and experience to handle it.  Being practical in your mind is an essential skill. To weed through the stories to the steps to recovery takes mental discipline. Otherwise you, too, are lost in trauma.   2. Universal experiences - many people now (1 in 5?) are exposed to gun violence, even on TV.  I have seen my own husband, a peace-loving person, watching movies where renegades tote AK-47s, whose only function is to mow down humans.  I can't watch.  Long ago I thought this could never happen here/be real - especially at such a beloved sanctuary as school.  But war has become a way of life for our country.  A war of authoritarianism and fear.  Thank you Trump, the disrupt-er extraordinaire.   3. Connection to impulsivity - many people can delay their distress long enough for it to pass.  That's why they have a net at the bottom of the Golden Gate Bridge.  Just wait.  If you can, perhaps the idea will pass.  But those who can't wait, especially men, carry through at a staggering rate.  Why are they so out of control?  Alienation from society is the path for answers.  It's systemic.  Perhaps JD Vance, author of Hillbilly Elegy and now a R Senator, had the right idea.  The origins of male self-destruction are in systemic addiction/loss of employment/family breakdown and despair in the heartland. Nothing new here except now everyone is armed. 4. Survivors - living in a space where ordinary things freak you out, PTSD survivors have the daily experience of pain  in the body - (The Body Keeps the Score).  They cannot connect back to themselves after the brain goes offline.  They can't shut down one part without shutting down another. Our treatment is inadequate for this experiential phenomena. Then the task becomes numbing . Too depressed to care. Take a pill, cut yourself, the past is over, but you don't know that. Like a train off the rails, you only know acceleration. 5. Listening for themes - in my survivor's group I begin to hear themes.  The telling theme is: shock, fear, memory and paralysis.  What is the meaning of life without the only person who ever cared? How can I come back to meaning?  The first job is to surrender to the process. It is possible that only these people can understand.  The client's whole demeanor changes once she realizes she is not alone. Of course this is true of ALL groups. We are fundamentally a species wired for connection. 6. Trauma/PTSD - You don't know the past from present - van der Kolk shows slides of MRIs of the frontal lobes of traumatized patients which highlight there is NOTHING lighting up.  NADA.  In other words, there is scientific proof that the part of the brain supposed to help us with higher level functions is gone!  It's like trying climb Mt. Everest without oxygen!  BY DEFINITION, you cannot utilize the very thing that's needed to survive. You split from your true self.  Even Prince Harry said, I don't recall what happened.  It's a zombie existence.   7. Hopelessness - the other thing that older members tell newer group members is that there can be hope.  I told it to a client yesterday.  She thought her life was over at 35 because she was not able to continue a pregnancy.  I tell her there is hope (I should know).  And yet, she cannot hear me.  She is not fully back online yet. The therapy will be SLOW.  Please remember this.  If it took a whole lifetime to submit to the suffering, it will take some patience to release it.  You did what you could.  Emotions bubble up to the surface that have long been suppressed.  8. Self-care for therapists  - some therapists say it's BS.  Blaming ourselves for the failures of our institutions to help veterans, victims of gun violence and societal ills, and those that help them instead of laying the problem at the feet of the society that continues to stigmatize. I never made any money until the pandemic. It would be nice if we could acknowledge that the helpers need help too. We also need health insurance!!  As an independent contractor, I don't need a manicure, I need a doctor! 9. History happens - van der Kolk says besides the lateness of the DSM-v to the arena of trauma, we have seen throughout history the devastation of PTSD.  How about we start with the crusades!!  As a Jew, I can tell you, we have been running our whole lives. It's no wonder we are anxious people!  So when we see whole swaths of children who are crouching in the position of a wounded animal we should not be surprised that this is a natural response to terror, annihilation, shame. 10. Gun control  - if it's the last thing I do with my passions it will be to somehow advocate more for gun control. Half the people in my group would still have partners/children/friends if it weren't for one bad decision and a gun.  If only we could find a way to institute common sense measures.  It's not that shocking!, as my softball coach used to say about catching the ball.  Other countries have done this incredibly well.  We just need a will and a way.

During a poetry therapy workshop I recently took, I wrote the following: Fear and change are part of the inevitability We shape the narrative We name the poem Whatever magic can supply - well, sprinkle it like snow But know that magic is not your voice You are your voice Check the food, take a walk, meet a friend, say no These are the ingredients of change These are the days of your life This is the time; not later Like orange in Autumn seize the spark in you I literally got inspired on a walk around my neighborhood.  While I cannot travel the world like some of my friends, I can travel my street, the leaves that change from splashes of yellow to hues of gold light up my brain like a piece of chocolate.  You can harness that light through your senses.  Sit a while. Walk through sorrow and suffering which are part of life.  Change is the only constant. Young adults don't seem to know this.  Their ideas of predictability and perfection are woefully out of touch with reality.  This is because their brains only know how to process in the extremes.  More subtle but invaluable tools are yet to come.  Tools like seeing the grey areas; having to wait or work for something imperfect and hard; realizing that you have to talk to someone else about something difficult and you may not like the answer; understanding that patience is part of growth; figuring out that what your partner/boss/boyfriend/inner child/inner critic/parents want can fluctuate; taking a risk to grow and not be guaranteed every outcome; knowing that loss may also involve welcoming something new; caring about someone who doesn't reciprocate; developing trust when your childhood lacked it; these are all things young adults can MASTER if they try.  Lying under the covers will get you nowhere. I know that the world is becoming extreme. That the Internet & Social Media, with its great promise for equality and freedom for many, has turned out to be a disappointment - its emphasis on false data and hate.  How enlightening it would have been if we had used it as a source for good, democracy, decency and fairness. Perhaps true equality is yet to come, if we don't demolish our institutions before it's too late.  I get the despair and the hurt of so many.  My life wasn't half as secure as my kids' and yet - we must agree it was a simpler day and age.  I try to hold space and patience for myself.  It's hard when I'm grieving about so many things.   Here is a teen brain vs. adult brain: Now tell me why we put so much pressure on the most vulnerable.  The brain takes its time to develop and form connections, as we know.  Many areas of executive function such as planning, judgment, consequences, organization and peer relationships are all still growing over these critical years.  Add to this, the costs of the middle class not keeping pace with the price of gas, healthcare, and food, we are hemmed in by our choice to go to college or help our aging parents or have time to be part of our communities, spending time with our kids.  We have been locked out by a society based on greed, leaving many young adults alone, isolated and lagging behind.   We can focus on the colors; we can say a prayer.  But stopping at black and white is not leading us anywhere.  Be the brightness of solstice light.  That's why we love our routines - they ground us as the world turns.

IF my life was described nowadays, it would be soooo different.  The story of my life would be A. Trauma, B. Trauma Bonding C. Abandonment & Insecurity D. Anxiety and Depression E. PTSD F. Body Dysmorphia G. More Trauma Bonding H. Making poor choices I. Getting involved with Narcissists J. Repetition Compulsion K. Adulting L. CANCER DIVORCE INFERTILITY M. Being gaslit  N. Self-Doubt O. Never Losing Motivation P. Being manipulated Q. Overworking/Overthinking R. Seeking clarity S. Realizing the Body Keeps the Score T. Finding Nemo U. Aging under financial strain. V. Raising two remarkably beautiful daughters W. Wondering how it went so fast X. Panic Y. Health anxiety/Driving anxiety Z. Social Media.  Disclaimer: We might have said that I was oblivious but for all the anxiety and negative emotions.   FAQ: Why do I need a diagnosis?  I don't. Why do friends change?  It's inevitable. Why do I get excluded.  See B. Why does loss/grief show up at the weirdest times?  That's life. What is Radical Acceptance?  Focus on breathing and you will see.   What if I don't know what I want in life?  Be patient. What is the difference between disassociation and psychosis?  A lot. Social media ruined my child what should I do?  Take the phone away at night. What exactly takes away panic?  Tapping What if I don't know everything/I'm imperfect?  Making mistakes is the way we learn. What if I can't change?  Change one thing. What if I don't like my job/parents/boss/friends/partner?  Change one thing. What if nothing changes?  Change one thing. What to do with anger/depression/grief/disappointment and shame?  Yoga and exercise. So there's no magic pill for life's ups and downs?  No.                                                          Terms and Conditions:  Just keep swimming and don't ever stop!! :-)

Going through your younger years in isolation from peers and family is the ultimate loneliness.  When young people tell you I didn't leave my apartment in NYC for EIGHT months, do you have any idea what that means?  Do you understand the concepts of fear, friendship and failure?  Imagine yourself going through that.  I honestly can't.  I rely on my friends for kindness, support, connection and advice.  I rely on my family for social and spiritual continuity.  If you have no narrative of your life, who are you?  You cannot be defined by loneliness.  Loneliness has to be a passing phase but it's also been defined by the surgeon general as an epidemic.   When a teen's mother is listening in on or interrupting the sessions, you can be there are boundary issues. When a teen's father is drunk at a stadium and can't get the kids home, you can bet there's an alcohol problem. When a teen's family doesn't allow any outings or independence, you can bet it will backfire in rebellion. When a college student lies about going to class, you can bet he has missed more classes. When a young adult doesn't refill her prescriptions while at school, you can bet she is going to crash. When a college student is behind in all assignments at this time of year, you can bet she will fail one class. It's like if you give a pig a pancake................................... Common sense therapy involves speaking to the parents honestly and directly. Common sense therapy means asking yourself, if this were your kid, what would you do? Common sense therapy says stay with the process. Common sense therapy means more appointments not fewer. Common sense therapy means not continuing the case if it's not for you. Common sense therapy is giving the crisis text line number to every single teenager. ( www.crisistextline.org ) Remember to have hope. Remember life isn't fair. Do it anyway.

The year we spent in China was life-altering.  We learned to rely on each other in very specific ways, my husband for his stature (holding doors for me as the throng of Chinese pressed us forward), and me for a few musical talents (singing the language was paramount).  We zigged and zagged and became stronger for it.  The yin/yang of our marriage carried us through many a rough patch, and continues to provide some emotional safety in the balance of years.  But what if my story was different.  A parallel universe in which I made different choices and relied on different rules.  Narratives in therapy mean a lot.  It gives us the opportunity to re-write our histories, and offer ourselves a little grace for the wrong turns.  Because our memories somehow favor novelty, bad things seem to envelope us more than ordinary goodness. It's the big things that seem to define us, but the little things matter too. What if as the child of a Publisher I went on to work in the world of books and new media (which I did for a time), became an editor, met someone placid and benign.  We would buy a house with a white picket fence, produce 2.5 kids and a dog, then do all the right moves as we aged in place.  I would have worked out my abandonment (by my narcissistic father) issues earlier and taken fewer risks, spent time with the kids, gone on more vacations, and had nicer knives.  Instead, because of my husband's creative and entrepreneurial spirit, and his derailing spinal fusion surgery, however, we mostly did not afford those kinds of luxuries.  There were many ups and downs, such as the devastating loss of my mother to cancer at the age of 63, and I had to reinvent myself again and again to stay afloat.  Instead of telling myself it's better that my mom didn't see 9/11 or Oct. 7th or a tragic family loss - I tell myself: it's not better when you lose the one and only person in your corner.   I leaned into what I was good at.   Then came the pandemic.  Never before was I so in demand as an experienced therapist to teens and young adults.  Like Lisa DaMour, I counseled hundreds of young girls to gain more motivation and resiliency.  It worked!  I developed a style that was relatable, not preachy or condescending, but encouraging and calm.  Not knowing what to call this, I simply became the nice lady who had a busy practice and was gaining traction.  My husband claims he encouraged me to do it, even when I doubted myself.  I kept changing with the changing landscape.  I joined every panel and peer group.  I was good with computers (not so good with paper).  I also grasped a whole new level when I started educating myself about trauma. I'm worried about aging out of relevance.  As a cusp Boomer, I am getting closer to the time when things wind down.  But what else would I do now?  Yes more travel, more pickleball.  More time with friends. Less time glued to screens.  But until I really know when to stop, I just keep swimming.  My story isn't finished.  I can still be a success. I can still write the final chapter. Our kids exceeded all expectations.  I am grateful for my husband's faith in my abilities.  He saw it when I couldn't. I always say to him, you're the smart one, figure it out!  For some reason, now, it comes down to me.  I have to figure it out. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, depression, trauma, anxiety and panic, particularly in my early 20s.  Yet perhaps I did something right.  It's never too late to shine.  Happy Year of the Wood Dragon. 新年快乐 Xīnnián kuàilè

I read the following passage from a colleague: My research has gotten me thinking about how burnout has shown up in my own life, and in those of my colleagues. One definition felt particularly useful in helping me to discriminate between stress and burnout - “stress is having too much. Too many tasks, too many working hours, too many responsibilities. Burnout is having too little. Too little energy, too little motivation, too little care for the work you do.” As a clinician, I can absolutely relate to the experiences of “too much” that are associated with stress- too many back-to-back sessions, unsigned notes, phone calls to be returned. However, this kind of stress - even chronic stress - does not necessarily lead to burnout.      During the pandemic I really had myself fooled.  Because I never got Covid until Winter 2023, I thought I had special powers.  I was in high demand from a young adult and teen population that I never dreamed would need my particular services.  Leaning into it, I thought, I finally made the grade.  It turns out I was only feeding a very hungry tiger (Tiger is my Chinese zodiac - as well as my daughter's).  The tiger wanted more and more of what I was good at: giving, supporting and nurturing.  So why not do more?  Also note it was only the second time in my life I made a decent wage other than my stint in the Internet world (dot-com bubble we called it).  Then that burst.  I found myself in an enviable position: turning away work faster than I was getting it.  As the demand increased even more, I just went on -- what else was there to do? At last I had found my groove only there was one piece missing - me!  So cheesy, I know.  Self-care was for others.  My advise was stale as yesterday's bread.  So what I trained to become a Yoga teacher.  So what I got a certificate in Trauma Studies.  Or as my therapist would tell me, "having more patients doesn't make you a better therapist."  I soldiered on.   Now it was post-pandemic and I hadn't made any changes, au contraire, I had adopted a robotic way of life, relying heavily on routines until I couldn't bear it any longer.  I invented small trips, even errands, to get out of the house.  I took up pickleball.  At my age, things are starting to ache more.  So this felt like a grand effort.  For every pickleball match I would need a day off to rest my quadriceps.  Who knows if my legs hurt because of a statin (I was told), or due to some unforeseen aging process?  Because my husband has had years of chronic pain issues, I was in utter oblivion about my own slog toward old age.  Wake up calls started coming.  Sleeplessness, anger, irritability, resentment, and just plain worry.  My anxiety (especially around driving) went through the roof.  My friends started saying, you're always working.  But the real wake up came when my clients started asking, don't you ever take a vacation?!  Summer, I said.  In Summer I most definitely will.  But how does Summer help me now, in darkest February? Putting off my own self-care, not recognizing even the need, denying my own burn-out got me to a place of constant low-grade dissatisfaction.  My friends were traveling whilst I was still working on this ever-present, long-ass, never-ending to-do list.  My kids said, Mom, your whole life is one long to-do list.  I even told my therapist I needed a break, as I was sick of my own complaints.  So self-care is more than a manicure.  It's making difficult changes right now.  Changing your work hours, taking on new challenges (in my case, more Supervision, fewer Client Hours).  And personal changes too - not just getting my butt to the gym but taking time off, connecting with old friends, even dedicating a day to just wander around without a plan.  I found I could only read for spans of 45mins - the length of a session!  I found when on the phone with friends I couldn't form sentences, so tired was I from talking all day.  Finally I decided to up my game, invest in myself, look for ways of getting passive income.  I can go to the beach too!  I can do things too!  No more poor me.  More leaps of faith, which made me more resilient throughout my life.  My life was not what I bargained for.  Whose is?

As Pride Month draws to a close and the nation commemorates various aspects of independence, it prompts a reflective pause to ponder the complexities of our societal fabric. The juxtaposition of celebrating freedom while grappling with the challenges of inclusivity and acceptance can be both poignant and perplexing. The sentiment expressed by colleagues, encapsulated in remarks such as "well, the immigrants are all rapists," serves as a stark reminder of the prevailing attitudes and prejudices that continue to permeate our discourse, including "fake news." All he has to do is state a sing-song meaningless slogan and it amplifies everything as "real." But hate and fear are not what we are. We do not punish women or shoot people accidentally in our driveways. And yet... It beckons us to delve deeper into the collective narrative of our shared history, where the very essence of our identity is intertwined with migration and the pursuit of a better life. The notion of 'us versus them' becomes increasingly blurred when we confront the reality that, at some point in time, we were all immigrants seeking refuge, opportunity, or freedom. This introspective contemplation urges us to confront the inherent contradictions in our beliefs and actions, challenging us to reconcile the ideals of equality and justice with the harsh demons of discrimination, racism and bias. It underscores the imperative of fostering empathy, understanding, and solidarity in a world that is often defined by division and discord. Ultimately, these moments of reflection should serve as a catalyst for dialogue, growth, and transformation. They compel us to confront uncomfortable truths, challenge preconceived notions, and strive towards a more inclusive and compassionate society where the richness of diversity is celebrated, not vilified. I am worried about several things. 1. A proven rapist and dictator's supreme power supremely corrupted by the supreme court. 2. Reproductive rights - especially if the woman was raped or is not prepared for children. 3. Gun control - so that common sense initiatives can finally find their way through the ridiculous loopholes (who needs an assault weapon? Who????). The 2nd amendment was not about everyone being armed so they could shoot up their school. 4. Teen suicide - we sounded the alarm but nothing changed. No new pay or benefits for social workers. 5. Young adult mental health - the phones were good until they weren't. Phones are in their hands at too young an age. Everyone must read Jon Haight's the Anxious Generation to see the startling combined proven impact of phones combined w. anxious fear-based parenting. 6. Millenniums' voting - get out there or things will only get worse! 7. Israel - our only ally in the middle east got a lot of things wrong. But they are required to continuously defend their right to exist. This is exhausting. Cease-fire is essential with a promise to preserve the people's self-determination to live freely. 8. Climate - by studying climate data and trends, scientists can make informed decisions to mitigate the impacts of climate change and ensure a sustainable future for generations to come. We need leadership now. However this anxious time in history plays out, I pray that our children will have a safe world in which to grow up in peace. Not so much Happy 4th, more like let's get a re-boot, STAT.

When I first saw Mork & Mindy I was completely thrilled with his fanciful voices and good-natured laughs; the silly riffs and the tone that showed us that weird was cool. Later with the stand-up and his movies he grabbed my heart because you knew this guy was real. After he accepted some of his demons, his work improved again, and I took it for granted I would always have his spark in my corner. Then one devastating day, a flashbulb moment really, I recall where I was when I heard he took his life. It was perhaps due to a rare dementia that was attacking his electrifying brain. Robin Williams was an absolute laughter machine - raunchy, raw, unbridled and warm. He could be intense too - you could see that. You knew he suffered. Reflecting on his life from a psychological perspective can offer valuable insights into several areas: Mental Health Awareness : Robin Williams struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction. His openness about these issues has helped to destigmatize mental health problems and encouraged more people to seek help. Suicide : Williams' tragic death by suicide in 2014 further highlighted the importance of mental health care and the often-hidden battles individuals face. The Role of Humor : Williams used humor as a tool for connection and coping. His ability to bring joy to others, even when he was struggling, demonstrates the complex role humor can play in emotional regulation and social bonding. The Creative Mind : Williams' extraordinary creativity and improvisational skills offer a fascinating study in the psychology of creativity. His rapid-fire wit and ability to inhabit different characters speak to the cognitive processes involved in creative thinking - he was so quick! Legacy and Influence : The impact of Williams' work on his audience and the entertainment industry speaks to the broader psychological concept of legacy. One only needs to see Mrs. Doubtfire or Garp or Dead Poets to see the depth of his range. One only has to see Birdcage, Good Will Hunting or Good Morning Vietnam to see more of his soulful work. Complexity of the Human Experience : Williams' life reminds us that external success and internal happiness do not always correlate. His experiences underscore the importance of looking beyond the surface and understanding the multifaceted nature of human emotions and experiences. Exploring these themes could provide us with a deeper understanding of the interplay between mental health, creativity, and the human condition, using Robin Williams' life as a poignant case study. As we near the anniversary of his death, let's make a pact to honor our inner voices - all of them.

This is my rap about that: there is always going to be someone with a bazillion times more than you (houses, cars, vacations); and someone who has so much less that he or she lives with 10 other people in a 2 bedroom apartment in Queens.  Income equality is what we should strive for, not envy or greed.  We have no control over how others live.  And you know as well as I do that ALL families have issues (cue: Tolstoy).  It’s normal for parents to bicker or siblings to compete.  Let’s normalize that some people live their lives more out-loud than others.  Pix of exotic vacations in no way correlate with actual happiness.  Many studies have shown that inner peace is the best place to cultivate balance and equanimity, not outer showmanship.  Schadenfreude ( pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune ), a crazy word meaning wishing someone ill, is probably not good for our spiritual growth.  But I have certainly had the thought, Why doesn’t it rain on her  vacation -- instead of mine for a change??!!  Give yourself a break for being human.  Envy is a hu man emotion that most people experience at some point. “It's characterized by feelings of discontent, longing, or covetousness towards someone else's advantages, achievements, possessions, or qualities. For example, you might feel envy if you see someone get promoted, win an award, or have a beautiful holiday” ( https://www.vox.com/even-better/23292282/harness-envy-jealousy-motivation ).  You can try to motivate   yourself  for these experiences, and plan something for yourself that’s unusual or on your bucket list. The envy might be more likely about a friend doing things that align with what you want to do. It presses that button. I like to post on social media as a kind of journal of my life, rather than showing off. But FOMO is hurtful for girls especially and there are legitimate reasons behind that. We are always comparing, and girls are on their phones around twice as much as boys.  So the missing out can sting when it’s right in your face. One of my clients was excluded from her “after-prom” by her core friend group. How awful is that? Wish them well and focus on the things you can change. I have taken some big risks to be happy. You can too.