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I have heard that teens feel trapped for many years, so there’s nothing new about the “generation gap” conversation. Every generation seems to feel it. However, the pace of change has really hit hard on families. The negative and polarizing amplification of extreme points of view has overtaken the way things used to be — we always yearn for simpler times. In previous generations, it seemed like kids wanted to push the conversation toward the liberal side, while parents remained more conservative. These days, those categories barely register. It’s more to do with HOW to have these conversations, while honoring individual identities and nuanced positions, especially by and for women. I say that the only way to deal with this is to become better listeners, instead of boxing out the voices you don’t like and demonizing them. Both the left and the right in this country, right now, are at a crossroads: to be civil on one side and to be angry as hell on the other. Nothing seems to be going right. The institutional framework itself can barely hold when subject to some radical tests. Large SCOTUS decisions are impactful to a whole generation, and you should be validated for being concerned. Even in my family, where we are all on the same page, there are wildly differing viewpoints on various topics. Family, food, politics — what could go wrong? Well, add drinks to the mix and we’re liable to go down a slippery slope. Another great way to channel your passion about the world is to get active. For example, if you’re concerned about social injustice, you could work for better legislation, donate to charities, or volunteer your time with organizations that align with your beliefs. It’s been an exhausting couple of years. Everyone has to pause and take a breath. We need to try to understand, persuade, and stay calm — not turn to violence and vitriol. MORE: Nothing could be more real than feeling insecure in your 20s. If you can believe this, I have been coaching 20-somethings for decades to try and fail. Floundering in your 20s is good!! I hope you fall flat on your face!! Not always, not often, but once in a while. Why would I say that? According to my favorite 20-Somethings motivator, Psychologist Meg Jay, ( “The Defining Decade” ), all the learning and growth takes place in those spaces of fear, uncertainty, and avoidance. Once you dive into your life, it’s OK to make a wrong turn, course correct, and understand who you really are —your likes and dislikes, your moods, your anxieties— and then watch the flower bloom. The bloom comes from the roots. The self-knowledge that you gain from experience is unmatchable. Hiding in your room and doing nothing — that’s the dangerous path. Meg Jay goes on to say that your 20s are not a “throwaway” decade — they matter! One reason I work with young adults is that I too struggled in my 20s, made poor choices, and shocker — even changed my major. That’s why travel is good for the young; you get out there and see, smell, and taste the world that is more complex than you know yet. Of course, you won’t be the most confident one at work. That’s why we have internships, mentorships, and opportunities for learning safely. Lean into all of them! Feedback and rejection can give you much-needed areas to focus on. Maybe you are not positive every second of the day. I have often told young clients “Nobody cares how you feel!” (a weird statement for a therapist to make). Just do your work. Do you think I like to work every single day of my life? NO! But you just keep swimming and after a couple of strong currents, voila, you’re in the lead! To summarize: Self-doubt is normal — allow yourself to feel it. Practice makes perfect — it takes time to gain confidence and experience. There’s no substitute for life experience — trying new things gives you a lot of personal data. Accepting criticism is hard, but it will ultimately make you stronger and more humble. Just keep swimming!

I have developed a unique approach which consists of the following highlights: **Process-Oriented Psychotherapy for Teens and Young Adults** Process-oriented psychotherapy is a dynamic therapeutic approach tailored for teens and young adults, focusing on the unfolding experiences and emotions within the therapeutic relationship. Unlike traditional methods that may emphasize structured techniques or specific goals, this approach prioritizes the exploration of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as they emerge during sessions. Key Features: 1. **Emphasis on Experience**: The therapy encourages clients to explore their immediate thoughts and feelings, fostering a deeper understanding of their internal experiences. This process helps them identify patterns and themes that influence their lives. 2. **Creative Expression**: Utilizing art, movement, and other creative modalities, process-oriented psychotherapy allows young clients to express themselves in varied ways. This can be particularly beneficial for those who struggle with verbal expression. 3. **Safe Environment**: A non-judgmental and supportive atmosphere is crucial. Therapists work to build trust, enabling clients to feel safe while discussing sensitive topics and exploring their identities. 4. **Focus on Relationships**: The therapeutic relationship itself is seen as a vital component of the healing process. Clients are encouraged to reflect on their interactions and relationships outside of therapy, gaining insights into their social dynamics. 5. **Holistic Approach**: This therapy considers the whole person—mind, body, and spirit—integrating various aspects of a client’s life, including cultural, social, and familial influences. 6. **Empowerment and Autonomy**: Clients are empowered to take an active role in their therapeutic journey, helping them develop a sense of agency and responsibility for their own healing. 7. **Navigating Transitions**: For many teens and young adults, life transitions can be challenging. This therapy offers support in navigating changes such as school, relationships, and self-identity, helping clients to find meaning and resilience in their experiences. Goals: The primary aim is to facilitate personal growth, self-discovery, and emotional regulation. By emphasizing the process over specific outcomes, clients learn to embrace uncertainty and develop coping strategies that enhance their well-being and resilience in the face of life's challenges. Process-oriented psychotherapy can be a transformative experience for teens and young adults, providing them with the tools to understand themselves better and navigate their unique paths with confidence and creativity. Process-Driven Therapy Definition: A therapeutic approach that prioritizes the exploration of ongoing psychological and emotional processes rather than focusing solely on content or specific problems. Requires skilled therapists who can navigate complex emotional landscapes. “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” —C.S. Lewis

Return shipment must include an appropriate, postage-paid Postal Service label. Item(s) must be mailable according to Postal Service standards. For mailability restrictions, visit https://www.usps.com/ship/shipping-restrictions.htm . Why Include Instructions for the Post Office? My daughter pointed out that I failed to explain crucial life skills during her upbringing. I focused so much on nurturing and loving that I overlooked practical lessons. While my kids turned out alright, I still grapple with the guilt of not doing enough, which can be exhausting. The Empty Nest Experience What Now? Now that my children are grown and gone, I often find myself in a whirlwind of memories, wondering what happened during those formative years. I frequently ask my daughter to recount her childhood experiences—friends, teachers, parties, and disappointments—to help me retain those moments as a personal memoir. Finding New Joys Despite the loss of the daily presence of my children, I've gained time for myself. I can rest, think, breathe, and reconnect with friends. Pickleball, in particular, has revitalized my sense of self. After a 25-year hiatus from tennis, I'm rediscovering movement, strategy, and joy in competition. It’s a reminder that women often lose themselves in the busyness of life, leading to confusion about boundaries. Understanding Boundaries Boundaries vs. Avoidance Boundaries are essential; avoidance is detrimental. For instance, the phrase, "When you do this, it makes me feel that," can establish a boundary. But if we treat everything as a trigger to be avoided, it can lead to isolation and anxiety. The Cycle of Avoidance Retreating to bed for a day can be restorative, but prolonged avoidance can spiral into boredom, anxiety, and even depression. Young women, especially, spend excessive time on their phones, often seeking validation. This behavior can feel akin to anxiously waiting for a college acceptance letter—fretting won't speed up the process. Addressing Missed Connections Opportunities for Growth If you feel that your relationship with your child is lacking, the twenties can be a great time to address those feelings. My daughter has likely figured out many lessons on her own—living, taking risks, and growing from failures. However, those who are too fearful to try new things risk stagnation. Practical Examples I work with clients facing various challenges, such as a young woman whose mother wants her to lose weight. Together, we devised a gradual plan that allows her to feel in control, rather than hiding under the covers. Another client is paralyzed by the fear of repeating past relationship mistakes, constantly monitoring her actions. My advice? Let it go. Trust in the lessons learned. You are already okay! Final Thoughts I often wonder what else I might have failed at as a parent. I’m sure my children will remind me!

The recent loss of Kamala Harris in the election has left many feeling anxious and uncertain about the future. Whether you were a steadfast supporter or someone who admired her groundbreaking achievements, processing this fear and disappointment is essential for moving forward. In this guide, we’ll explore practical steps to help you manage your emotions and regain your sense of hope and agency. Understanding Your Feelings It's normal to experience a range of emotions after a political setback. You might feel angry, sad, or even hopeless. Recognizing these feelings is the first step toward healing. Allow yourself to feel whatever arises without passing judgment. Feeling fearful often stems from uncertainty about the future. We process the election loss itself, but we also grapple with fears about policies, societal progress, and representation. Take a moment to reflect on what exactly prompts your fear. Is it the worry of regression in social issues? Loss of representation? Or perhaps fear of instability in leadership? For instance, studies show that approximately 60% of voters feel anxious post-election. Identifying the root of your emotions can bring clarity amid the chaos. Connect with Your Community One effective way to process fear is to reach out to others who share your sentiments. Connecting with friends, family, or like-minded individuals can create a sense of solidarity. Consider hosting informal gatherings, either in-person or virtual, where you can openly discuss your emotions. For example, sharing your feelings with a group of friends can lead to meaningful conversations about your hopes and concerns. Community support often sparks new ideas for positive actions. Remember, you are not alone in this experience. Surrounding yourself with people who understand your perspective can lessen feelings of isolation and provide encouragement. A recent survey suggests that individuals who engage with their communities feel 50% more optimistic about societal changes. Channel Your Energy into Action Instead of allowing fear to paralyze you, consider using that energy for actionable steps. What can you do to support causes that align with your values? Engaging with local organizations, volunteering, or participating in advocacy efforts can help shift your focus from fear to empowerment. For instance, joining a local community service group can lead to impactful changes. This proactive stance allows you to contribute positively and make a real difference in your community. If you’re unsure where to start, research organizations that promote inclusive policies or champion the rights you value most. Consider volunteering at local food banks, shelters, or educational initiatives that strive for social justice. Understand the Political Landscape Educating yourself about the political landscape can significantly reduce feelings of fear. Knowledge often serves as a balm for anxiety. Dive into resources that explain the current state of affairs, including how elections work and the factors that influence outcomes. Understanding political systems can demystify processes that often feel overwhelming. Stay informed about upcoming elections and how local initiatives impact your community. For example, only about 30% of eligible voters typically participate in local elections. This awareness not only empowers you but helps shift focus from fear to preparation. Practice Mindfulness Techniques In moments of high anxiety, mindfulness can be a powerful tool. Techniques like meditation, deep breathing exercises, or even yoga can profoundly impact your mental health. Set aside a few moments each day for mindfulness practices. Apps like Headspace and Calm can guide you if you're just starting. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can reduce anxiety by up to 30%, allowing you to ground yourself in the present rather than spiraling into fear about the future. Evaluate Your Information Sources In today's digitally connected world, it's crucial to consume information from reliable and balanced sources. The overwhelming amounts of information can heighten fear and anxiety. Take time to curate news sources that present facts rather than sensationalized stories. Diverse perspectives not only equip you with knowledge but also help lessen feelings of panic when news cycles seem overwhelmingly negative. Set boundaries for how much news you consume daily — sometimes, less is more. Limiting your intake to a couple of trusted sources can improve your overall emotional well-being. Find Inspiration Lastly, amidst political turmoil and loss, seek inspiration in stories of resilience and hope. Look for figures in history or within your community who have faced setbacks and risen above. Their narratives serve as reminders of the strength of the human spirit and the power of determination. For example, look at activists like Malala Yousafzai, who faced immense challenges yet emerged as a beacon of hope. Engage with literature, films, or podcasts that uplift and inspire. Injecting doses of positivity into your daily life can be essential fuel during challenging times. Moving Forward Processing fear after the loss of Kamala Harris is not an overnight journey. It is a personal experience that requires time, reflection, and community support. While it is normal to wrestle with feelings of anxiety and disillusionment, remember to channel your energy positively. By understanding your emotions, connecting with others, engaging with your community, educating yourself, practicing mindfulness, carefully selecting your information sources, and seeking inspiration, you can navigate this challenging time. Use this moment not just to grieve but to grow, adapt, and take action. Change takes time, but every small step can pave the way for progress. The future may be uncertain, but your strength and resilience can light the path forward. Allow yourself to feel, to connect, and to act — the power lies within you.

As we enter an even more radical Trump era, do not stick your head in the sand! I tried that, to no avail. I'm getting more active with support for LGBTQ groups and with my own messaging on TikTok! We must stay vigilant for our children and their children. Dismantling institutions is not prudent when the world is so fragile. How is the healthcare nightmare, highlighted by the UHC CEO's murder , going to improve? I've heard too often of clients and family and friends losing out on much needed care just at the wrong moment. I've heard of bankruptcies from an ambulance ride, and people staying in dead - and I mean dead - end jobs for decades just to be able to continue to get mammograms. I've heard of young women traumatized by not getting timely help from OB-GYNs. I've listened to countless women who got their complaints minimized, including my own Mother. This, the richest country in the world, is not getting anything right in healthcare. When I recently had a physical I forgot to ask the doctor for a referral to an ENT. It took me two weeks to get back in touch with her. If you cannot advocate for yourself, you are in deep trouble. I have heard of elderly not having enough money for adequate housing. This is a country for the rich, by the rich now. Middle class folks who worked their whole lives can suck it according to Trump's tax plan. You guessed it; you voted for it - the rich get richer. I'd like to sit at the end of my days and tell people I didn't waste half my life worrying about bills and healthcare - UHC even "clawed-back" their payments to therapists this year! Bet you don't hear about that on the news. Can you imagine seeing 40 patients a week and your "boss" then asking for a refund?! Something is wrong in OZ and it ain't me. I wish you all patience as you navigate the new normal. I wish you strength and above all organizational skills so you can fight back when the anesthesia you got for your wisdom teeth is billed "out of network" and you have to spend three weeks on the phone with insurance to manage the copay that is more than your paycheck. I wish you equanimity if you're waiting in the hospital hallway writhing in pain, like one of my clients was, and not seen until "medically necessary." I wish there was no delay, deny nor crazy ghost guns, nor killer kids with weapons of untold destruction. May your solstice provide reflection on your choices and comfort in the future. Shine on and stay healthy! PEACE ON EARTH for ALL not just a FEW.

Next Patient This week has been a year. The clients are asking me, WTF?? What is Trump and his cronies doing?? How do I know? I am heartbroken for my kids. I think my Dad would say let the pendulum swing back - it always does. Yet my husband is less sanguine (love this word). What about the BS therapists say, to cling to what you can control? No. I strongly intuit that something terrible is going to happen, and the whole house of cards will come down. Of course that will be after much looting has taken place. How did the messages of hate get through and not the messages of love? Because the Internet is only the middleman. There's nothing to blame but mass hysteria. I'm talking about those people who thought Trump was a demi-God. Noooooooooooooooooooooo. He is a selfish, brain damaged, dangerous idiot. So in case you didn't know where I stand... My clients are feeling shocked. So am I. I also feel exhausted, heavy and helpless. And cold. This too shall pass, my Mom would say. Shocked about what? Oh, only the Supreme Court compromised by graft, the lack of meaningful access to healthcare for all (my daughter can't even find a doctor in the state of Vermont), the uptick in looting out in the open, the sickening lack of empathy for our hardest workers, the immigration fear mongering ("They're coming for your jobs!" - no actually they do the jobs no one else wants to do), the rich acting like societal norms no longer apply to them, women getting trampled for being pregnant, rapists and alcoholics being confirmed to the highest levels, government protections - blitzed away, fires blazing in the west while Trump plays at schoolyard name-calling, the pardoning of the incitement to violence on Jan. 6. The Oligarchs not giving a shit about you and me. The environment. Our very breath; air. One article said this: “He’s very triggering for people,” Carino, who is based in Brooklyn, tells The Independent. “Just his personality, his unpredictability, too. The fact that you never know what he’s gonna say and you never know what he’s gonna do. He creates the sense of lack of safety, and safety is so important in mental health.” -( https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-presidency-2-therapists-inauguration-b2682699.html ) Healing is hard and time consuming. I agree with the author, “There has been a real shift in the therapeutic community from an individualized way of looking at things — like, what’s wrong with you? —to really accepting the fact that, yeah, society is coming apart, and we really need to deal with this. It’s not all in your head,” she says. I have been doing some advanced training in Internal Family Systems (with the wonderful https://ralphdelarosa.com/ ). It teaches us to release our death grip on the parts of ourselves that we are distressed about, open up a dialogue with those parts, and ask them to step aside. Perhaps if everyone could do some inner work, the outer world would also soften. In the meantime, ICE is coming to your school, someone told me; radically un-selfdisciplined players are moving the pieces, and fear abounds. Real fear. Getting in touch with your inner child, as corny as that sounds, maybe can reduce anxiety, pain, trauma and loss. New paradigms may form for marginalized communities. Grass roots efforts make the most sense. Join something meaningful. Do it today.

Snow over Hastings. A hush. Time has really flown. I have been working like a mad cow. Enough. I visited a training at KRIPALU a few weekends ago. It introduced me deeply into IFS, a modality I heretofore was avoiding. Another gimmick I thought. I do not like gimmicks. But this was the real deal and my wonderful teacher ( https://ralphdelarosa.com/ ) had us all in tears with his loving and skillful approach. I also lost a friend this week. Only a few months ago we were happily trading slams of the pickleball whiffleball where she was fond of literally dancing around the court. In short, the dying friend had more energy than I did. She left us way too soon, with three miraculous boys to carry on her absolute joyous nature. I remember the first time we chatted - we were both pushing strollers up a big hill called Mt. Hope Blvd. Later, I lost that house to the 2008 crash and moved to a smaller one. I am no stranger to loss. Instead of ruminating about the things that bother me, I am trying to quiet my brain. I see that I got a mixed bag, a hand that was dealt like any other, a lot of grace and support; yet also a lack of support, particularly from my husband's family. I know my kids will have better luck because they are discerning, and they don't lead with emotional reasoning like I do. I also am understanding now that the IFS work is an experiential piece so critical to expansiveness. I am literally merging my split brain into a whole one again. My * fire-fighter * parts are no longer needed for protecting me or others. I can let them rest. I am not in charge. Rather, there is a constellation of subjective, conditioned experiences that doesn't have to define me. Maybe there is no actual I or Me at all. There is, as my teacher has called it, just "Self-Energy" - but not in the Ego way. Just meeting yourself where you are. I have adjusted some therapy sessions to allow for this kind of healing to emerge. I got nervous it wouldn't work in my last session of the week. But it wasn't about me being nervous. It was letting the client make his own conclusions. I was patient at last. I also led a local workshop "Yoga for Anxiety." How lovely it worked out when the people started sharing their own frustrations after a talk, specific yoga poses and readings. As an experienced group therapist, I was able to navigate this new venture. A small offering to a world at war with itself. With Trump taking away basic humanitarian needs in a deranged, volatile and evil fashion I imagine the next few years will continue to be busy as we make sense of his extreme/cruel misogyny and racism. Particularly as a Jews, we will never forget the insidious descent into fascism I will have to stay strong.

(**ALL PHOTOS TAKEN BY DONNA C. MOSS unless otherwise labeled) Happy Valentine's Day 2025 - the year that reminds us of 1984. If you live long enough... you will witness the cycles of political blow-back in every direction. Thank God, I am not here to talk about politics! I am here to talk about young adult mental health. Of course you're tired, burnt-out, depressed, anxious and traumatized. The Body Keeps the Score ! It's not your fault! You went out to vote. You talked to your parents about their FOX news problem. You tried to explain that being different, queer, LGBTQ does not mean you're evil. Quite the opposite. You are MORE sensitive. By definition, you have had to FIGHT more just to live and breathe. So why should the laws of the land be so NEGATIVE, PUNITIVE and MEAN SPIRITED? Is Trump's racism, homophobia, xenophobia, antisemitism and misogyny founded? Never. He is a schoolyard bully who puts people down just to lift himself up. So how can love be love? Self care and self-compassion, helping your parts heal, therapy, mindfulness, intention, logic, science, hope, breathe, art and arts -- are so important for a thriving society. Look at societies that removed scholars and art. How did that work out? Societies that produce beauty - that's where we need to look. Losing the Kennedy Center, the free flow of people and trade, the freedom to choose, voice an opinion, go to the doctor, make other people sick by your choices - what is that? Yes friends, it's the rise of "we don't care about you fascism." The antidote of course is LOVE. Lean into Love While love can be exhilarating, it also comes with challenges, especially for young adults: Communication Issues: Young adults may struggle with expressing their feelings or navigating conflicts in relationships. Keep practicing! Social Media Influence: The impact of social media can create unrealistic expectations and pressure regarding relationships and dating. Set moderate goals! Fear of Commitment: Many young adults may hesitate to commit seriously, fearing loss of independence or past relationship trauma. Take a risk for love! Navigating Relationships Here are some tips for young adults to navigate love and relationships effectively: Open Communication: Encourage honest discussions about feelings, expectations, and boundaries. One client said, I am not sure how he considers us. Did you ask him? I said. If you don't talk, nothing will change! Self-Reflection: Take time to understand personal values and what one wants in a relationship. Don't make a checklist of unattainable traits - allow yourself to be spontaneous! Respect and Empathy: Cultivating respect and empathy is essential for healthy relationships. If someone hurts you, speak up! Maybe he'll learn something for the next time. Fighting: There are positive and negative aspects to fighting - if no insight is achieved and you find yourself stuck in these disputes, it's time to delve deeper. I always say, if it's hard in the beginning it won't get easier in the end... Attachment Theory Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores the bonds between individuals, particularly in the context of child-caregiver relationships. Diagram illustrating the four styles of attachment in attachment theory: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful, each represented by emotive faces and distinct color coding. Attachment Styles Secure: Healthy balance of closeness and independence. Anxious: High levels of anxiety and uncertainty in relationships. Avoidant: Preference for emotional distance and self-reliance. Disorganized: Lack of a clear attachment strategy, often stemming from trauma. Impact on Relationships Attachment styles affect how individuals relate to others in adulthood, influencing romantic relationships, friendships, and parenting styles, even work families. For young adults, love and Valentine's Day are about exploration, growth, attachment and connection. Whether through romantic relationships or friendships, the experiences during this time can shape their understanding of love for years to come. One of my clients said she was sad to be alone. She also said, I made one friend. This is just the beginning of your spark that cannot be denied.

Why is adulting so hard? One idea I've been wrestling with is the sunk-cost fallacy. This is apparently a thing in economics - it's when you believe that you have invested so much in something or someone that you might as well go all-in or double-down. I'm not sure if this works at all. How do you know when to lean in and when to pull back, my clients ask again and again. I have learned that in yoga, you seek the edge where too much is pain and not enough is not trying. This helps too. I think the answer is self-knowledge and self-compassion. If you can trust yourself and your body to give you correct data, then you can notice, attune and course correct. If you're just throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks, you may want to re-group. If this sounds very frantic and confusing, welcome to my life. I have done this so many times I can't imagine not doing it. And yet maybe I'm misguided? If you're starting to ask yourself why am I putting all my eggs in this basket when there is nothing good coming back, then it might be a good time for a pause, a re-set or a new direction. I guess it's when you're so sick of bad results, you have no choice but to try something new. How bad could it get? The sunk-cost fallacy dictates (from Oxford dictionary): the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial. Is there a part of me that wants to gamble? Increase my odds? Of course! Wouldn't it be exciting if I worked my whole life for something and then it came to fruition? My father used to say, "It's no accident I published a best-seller; I've been in the book space for 50 years." We would like that to make sense. It's supposed to make sense. But even as I type I wonder why he never realized he should right the ship when print went digital. We are taught to persevere! But according to ( https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy ) especially in relationships, it may be time to go. "Sunk cost fallacy'' is a well-known psychological bias where people get too attached to the status quo, and over-estimate the risks of change. In the particular case of relationships, sunk cost fallacy also refers to the societal bias that assesses longer relationships as more "successful.'' On the other hand the article goes on to say: Abandoning a project after committing to it and investing resources into it will likely cause negative feelings of guilt and wastefulness. Since we want to avoid negative feelings of loss, we are likely to follow through on a decision that we have invested in, even if it is not in our best interest. So how do you know when to say enough?! I don't know. Listen keenly to your inner wisdom, slow down, ask an objective listener, let the answer come in a deep and thoughtful way. Trust in your feelings and sensations but also trust in logic. Yes, I actually used that word. I have been married to a lawyer for nearly 33 years. Logic is not to be overlooked. I have learned the hard way that thinking things through is extremely powerful. Go after your dreams, pursue and commit, but don't rely on magic to get to the other side.

April - Hastings-on-Hudson, NY So much talk on boundaries. I never had a boundary I didn't cross. Or maybe I never crossed a boundary. Who knows? We all know the people who literally have none. But what about exploring the idea of boundaries for one's self. Like I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not going to allow myself to be a work-a-holic. Or, "Self, I've had enough of all this managing and critiquing and firefighting!" See how I did that? IFS, Bodywork, DBT and Mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, Grounding, all Trauma treatments, help the self get an assist in calming down. It's free! A client shared that she gave herself a time-out and said, "I'll be back in five, when I've sufficiently calmed down enough to talk to you!" Her parents didn't like that -----but how else not to get "flooded" with so much emotion you cannot think properly? Now many Buddhist and other much wiser folks than I have discussed reasons and biases that come with too much SELF. But the self-compassion talked about in these other methods is not about me, me, me. It's about awareness that your me and my me are not all that separate after all. There's a lot of blending and merging and separating going on throughout our relational world. Instead we speak of balancing and cooperating. And in the state of the world right now, there can't be enough of that. WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? When did apps learning our preferences go from cool to invasive in one decade? As a pioneer in the first online health communities, I remember being so hopeful. There was no place on earth we couldn't reach. IN A GOOD WAY. Boundary crossing was fun for a time - everyone could potentially share their preferences and become enriched. But also: people who were isolated with mentally and physically crippling ailments could suddenly chat with others sharing the same pain, the same worries - even care and pray for each other across time zones. I could never have imagined it would be used against us in so many devastatingly cruel ways from stealing personal data to using everything for greed alone, sales alone, click bait alone. So here we are in a world full of fascists who are lying in wait to loot the country. The only thing to do is hold STEADY. And those of us who can hold boundaries with ourselves might just have a better chance to survive the rapid fire changes. I'm listening to philosopher Thomas Hubl - he encourages us to be "adventurous in the face of existential fear." He also says that our "shared agency" will improve resiliency throughout the world! Resilience, Flexibility, Self-Awareness & Compassion, Rest and Regroup. All tools of therapy. Many people will go through a session and say wow, now tell me HOW to do it. The answer is always the same: PRACTICE!!

Don't Bypass the Good Stuff! In a fast-paced world flooded with instant gratification, many of us find ourselves yearning for real emotional healing. Whether it’s the lure of fast food or the convenience of online shopping, we often seek quick fixes to alleviate discomfort. However, therapy offers a much deeper path to healing and self-discovery. The journey requires your active involvement—not just sitting in a therapist's office, but truly engaging with the therapeutic process. This blog post uncovers the nature of therapeutic work, clarifying misconceptions and providing clear steps to foster meaningful change in your life. Understanding the Appeal of Quick Fixes Quick fixes usually sound appealing. They promise rapid relief from emotional distress. But these solutions often ignore the underlying problems that contribute to our struggles. For instance, research shows that while 70% of individuals seek immediate fixes, only about 30% experience long-term relief. This can lead to frustration and a feeling that therapy is just another option that won’t yield quick results. When faced with emotional pain, it is common to want a fast route to relief. Unfortunately, this desire often neglects the reality that substantial therapeutic work requires time, reflection, and conscious effort. The Importance of Active Engagement Therapy is not just about talking; it’s about becoming an active participant in your healing journey. The genuine work begins when you leave the therapy room, applying insights about yourself to your everyday life. Studies indicate that clients who actively engage in their therapy process see a 50% increase in the effectiveness of their treatment. This active engagement can take various forms, such as practicing self-reflection, implementing coping strategies, or being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. The breakthroughs often emerge from the work done in daily life, not just during sessions. This is how we get to HOW: Self-Reflection: A Key Component Self-reflection is vital for effective therapeutic work. It helps uncover the root causes of emotional struggles. Regular reflection can significantly enhance your understanding of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, a study showed that journaling can lead to a 20% increase in emotional well-being. To begin, you might consider maintaining a journal. Write about your feelings, experiences, or reactions to daily events. Use specific prompts to explore what triggers certain emotions or how you typically respond. These reflections can unlock insights that facilitate deeper healing. Mindfulness Practices for Grounding Incorporating mindfulness techniques can significantly support your therapeutic journey. Mindfulness fosters a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and emotions, helping you stay grounded during turbulent times. Research indicates that mindfulness practices can reduce anxiety symptoms by up to 58%. Consider simple mindfulness exercises such as: Breathwork: Spend a few minutes focusing solely on your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat this for 5-10 minutes. Mindful Walking: Take a walk and consciously observe your surroundings. Note the sights, sounds, and sensations you experience, allowing yourself to be fully present. These practices provide a way to center yourself and create mental space for clarity and reflection. Building a Support System A strong support system is essential in therapeutic work. Surrounding yourself with people who encourage growth can be vital for healing. It’s more than having friends to confide in; community resources like support groups and workshops can offer additional avenues for connection. For instance, participating in a local mental health workshop can introduce you to others who share your experiences. Research shows that individuals with strong social support systems are 60% more likely to experience positive mental health outcomes. Embracing Vulnerability Therapeutic work often involves embracing vulnerability. Opening up about your emotional struggles can feel intimidating. However, vulnerability can spark profound healing. According to a study by Brené Brown, sharing your emotions can lead to a 25% increase in emotional resilience. Start by disclosing small feelings to someone you trust. As you grow more comfortable, gradually share more significant emotions. This practice can build your confidence and deepen your connections with others. Challenging Limiting Beliefs Therapy commonly involves challenging limiting beliefs that inhibit your growth. Many people unknowingly cling to negative narratives, thinking they are unworthy of happiness or incapable of healing. A study found that recognizing and reframing negative beliefs can lead to a 40% improvement in self-esteem. Identifying these beliefs is the first step. A therapist can help guide you in reshaping these thoughts. The real work begins when you actively engage in recognizing these patterns and replacing them with positive affirmations or empowering narratives. The Journey As An Ongoing Process Understanding that healing is a nonlinear journey is one of the most important mindsets to adopt. Expect good days and bad days; sometimes progress may feel stagnant. This is a natural part of personal growth. Embracing this journey allows you to alleviate pressure and recognize that the path itself offers valuable lessons along the way. Your Unique Path to Healing Therapy may ignite your journey of self-discovery and healing, but the real work happens outside the therapist's office. Active engagement, self-reflection, and a supportive network all contribute to making a deep impact. While quick fixes might provide temporary comfort, meaningful healing requires effort, time, and a willingness to explore vulnerability. As you navigate the often-challenging but rewarding journey of therapeutic work, remember every step counts. Embrace your unique path to healing and empower yourself in the process.

"More spaciousness" is key to deepening self-awareness and healing. Here's how we might explain it in accessible and emotionally resonant terms, weaving in parts work, inner child, and re-parenting concepts. Understanding Spaciousness You know how sometimes it feels like a reaction just takes over —like there’s no pause? You may find yourself overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, shutdown, or anger. It often feels tight, fast, or stuck. In these moments, it seems like there’s no room to breathe or think. When we talk about building more spaciousness inside, we refer to creating a small pause between the trigger and the reaction. This pause allows you to gather your thoughts and emotions. It’s about making more room in your inner world. With spaciousness, you notice what is happening instead of being swept away by it. The Role of Parts Work This is where parts work comes into play. Inside, we all carry different parts—like a scared younger version of ourselves or a protector that reacts with anger or withdrawal. Without spaciousness, these parts can drive the bus , leading us to react automatically from past wounds. When you develop more inner calm and flexibility—when your nervous system isn’t always on high alert—you begin to see those parts instead of becoming them. That’s what spaciousness offers: clarity and understanding. It’s the difference between being fused with a part and holding it with compassion. From that perspective, you can interact with those parts in a new way. You might say, “Oh, I see my inner child is really scared right now,” or “That protector is trying hard to keep me safe.” At that moment, your wise adult self can show up. You can re-parent that part, soothe it, listen to it, and offer what wasn’t given before. Spaciousness is like an internal breath of fresh air. It provides you with choice, presence, and softness, even in difficult moments. Metaphors to Understand Spaciousness The Sky and the Weather Think of yourself as the sky, with your emotions acting like passing weather. Spaciousness is about remembering you’re the sky—not the storm. This perspective allows for a sense of permanence and resilience. Traffic Light Imagine moving from a red light reaction to a yellow light pause. During this pause, you can choose how to respond. Instead of acting out of impulse, you can take a moment to decide the best action for the situation. Inner House Visualize spaciousness as having more rooms in your house. Your inner child doesn’t have to scream in the hallway; they can have their own cozy space. Here, you can visit them with care, fostering nurturing and understanding. The Wisdom of Stillness As my late meditation teacher said: “It might seem that we have to generate the sense of openness, freshness, joy, revelry, or stillness we touch in such moments. From the Buddhist perspective, however, such a state of being is already there within us and has been so since the beginning. It's tantalizing to think that perhaps expansiveness lies waiting to be uncovered within us while we go searching for it everywhere else. It’s not something we go toward so much as it is what we are left with when all our running around ceases. Our deeper nature is simply what’s left when we put down the endless task of trying to be somebody.” ― Ralph De La Rosa, The Monkey Is the Messenger: Meditation and What Your Busy Mind Is Trying to Tell You Conclusion: Embracing Spaciousness In conclusion, embracing spaciousness opens doors to deeper self-awareness. It provides the tools necessary for healing and inner growth. By understanding our inner parts and allowing for pauses in our reactions, we can cultivate a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. Spaciousness creates a sacred space where anxiety can dissipate and understanding can flourish. The journey may be challenging, but remember, it all begins with the choice to create a little more room within. Embrace the journey toward discovering this expansive inner world.