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Don't Bypass the Good Stuff! In a fast-paced world flooded with instant gratification, many of us find ourselves yearning for real emotional healing. Whether it’s the lure of fast food or the convenience of online shopping, we often seek quick fixes to alleviate discomfort. However, therapy offers a much deeper path to healing and self-discovery. The journey requires your active involvement—not just sitting in a therapist's office, but truly engaging with the therapeutic process. This blog post uncovers the nature of therapeutic work, clarifying misconceptions and providing clear steps to foster meaningful change in your life. Understanding the Appeal of Quick Fixes Quick fixes usually sound appealing. They promise rapid relief from emotional distress. But these solutions often ignore the underlying problems that contribute to our struggles. For instance, research shows that while 70% of individuals seek immediate fixes, only about 30% experience long-term relief. This can lead to frustration and a feeling that therapy is just another option that won’t yield quick results. When faced with emotional pain, it is common to want a fast route to relief. Unfortunately, this desire often neglects the reality that substantial therapeutic work requires time, reflection, and conscious effort. The Importance of Active Engagement Therapy is not just about talking; it’s about becoming an active participant in your healing journey. The genuine work begins when you leave the therapy room, applying insights about yourself to your everyday life. Studies indicate that clients who actively engage in their therapy process see a 50% increase in the effectiveness of their treatment. This active engagement can take various forms, such as practicing self-reflection, implementing coping strategies, or being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. The breakthroughs often emerge from the work done in daily life, not just during sessions. This is how we get to HOW: Self-Reflection: A Key Component Self-reflection is vital for effective therapeutic work. It helps uncover the root causes of emotional struggles. Regular reflection can significantly enhance your understanding of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, a study showed that journaling can lead to a 20% increase in emotional well-being. To begin, you might consider maintaining a journal. Write about your feelings, experiences, or reactions to daily events. Use specific prompts to explore what triggers certain emotions or how you typically respond. These reflections can unlock insights that facilitate deeper healing. Mindfulness Practices for Grounding Incorporating mindfulness techniques can significantly support your therapeutic journey. Mindfulness fosters a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and emotions, helping you stay grounded during turbulent times. Research indicates that mindfulness practices can reduce anxiety symptoms by up to 58%. Consider simple mindfulness exercises such as: Breathwork: Spend a few minutes focusing solely on your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat this for 5-10 minutes. Mindful Walking: Take a walk and consciously observe your surroundings. Note the sights, sounds, and sensations you experience, allowing yourself to be fully present. These practices provide a way to center yourself and create mental space for clarity and reflection. Building a Support System A strong support system is essential in therapeutic work. Surrounding yourself with people who encourage growth can be vital for healing. It’s more than having friends to confide in; community resources like support groups and workshops can offer additional avenues for connection. For instance, participating in a local mental health workshop can introduce you to others who share your experiences. Research shows that individuals with strong social support systems are 60% more likely to experience positive mental health outcomes. Embracing Vulnerability Therapeutic work often involves embracing vulnerability. Opening up about your emotional struggles can feel intimidating. However, vulnerability can spark profound healing. According to a study by Brené Brown, sharing your emotions can lead to a 25% increase in emotional resilience. Start by disclosing small feelings to someone you trust. As you grow more comfortable, gradually share more significant emotions. This practice can build your confidence and deepen your connections with others. Challenging Limiting Beliefs Therapy commonly involves challenging limiting beliefs that inhibit your growth. Many people unknowingly cling to negative narratives, thinking they are unworthy of happiness or incapable of healing. A study found that recognizing and reframing negative beliefs can lead to a 40% improvement in self-esteem. Identifying these beliefs is the first step. A therapist can help guide you in reshaping these thoughts. The real work begins when you actively engage in recognizing these patterns and replacing them with positive affirmations or empowering narratives. The Journey As An Ongoing Process Understanding that healing is a nonlinear journey is one of the most important mindsets to adopt. Expect good days and bad days; sometimes progress may feel stagnant. This is a natural part of personal growth. Embracing this journey allows you to alleviate pressure and recognize that the path itself offers valuable lessons along the way. Your Unique Path to Healing Therapy may ignite your journey of self-discovery and healing, but the real work happens outside the therapist's office. Active engagement, self-reflection, and a supportive network all contribute to making a deep impact. While quick fixes might provide temporary comfort, meaningful healing requires effort, time, and a willingness to explore vulnerability. As you navigate the often-challenging but rewarding journey of therapeutic work, remember every step counts. Embrace your unique path to healing and empower yourself in the process.

"More spaciousness" is key to deepening self-awareness and healing. Here's how we might explain it in accessible and emotionally resonant terms, weaving in parts work, inner child, and re-parenting concepts.

Photo credt: Rosalind Bank Many therapists have "branded" their practices: Winding Road, Finding Yourself, Path to Fulfillment, Thoughtful Change, etc. etc. Nice, calm and creative names. They have a blog and a podcast. They pitch themselves on Youtube.  What does it all mean? To be honest, I'm not sure.  I just finished reading "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" and it was good. Better than I expected in this hallowed Irvin Yalom corner of the world where therapy becomes the drama for a book, filled with colorful anectdotes and insights. Marketing works. That lady is probably really busy now! I am already really busy. I don't even want to be really busy! Balance is more what I'm after with myself and my patients. I have taken the week off to practice what I preach: get away, take time to breathe, visit the doctor, take a walk with a friend. These things are priceless right now. After counseling young adults about going back to college in a pandemic, I need to see some teens who are thriving. They are! They will! The world may yet be the same, but perhaps we can now hope for progressive change for all? With all the terrible of 2020, will there be a chance to reset, evolve, move forward? I sure hope so. Kamala Harris, no matter her potential flaws, is a ground breaking choice. Let's try to be better! My therapy practice consists of patience, reassurance and routine. I don't impose any critiques on my patients that I don't try on myself. I am not above it all; I am right there with you. Being the therapist means you also engage in self-care. It means that if the process itself is slow that's OK. It means if you have been traumatized in this life, there's time for you and I to heal. I have discovered for myself that "the body keeps the score." After a lifetime of therapy, adding Yoga to my own practice has illuminated the meaning of mind/body. You do your CBT, then you do your DBT. In other words, gain empathy, gain strength and insight and distress tolerance, then do body work to integrate everything, consolidate, put the energy where it belongs. Put your money where your mouth is. Learn to calm down. Perfectionism is our curse. In my Inhale Peace practice I am teaching young people to take more risks, to get out of their rooms, to do something creative, purposeful and consistent, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. Have a reason to wake up each day and make MISTAKES. Making mistakes, as Aaron Beck has repeatedly pointed out, is the ONLY way we learn and gather experience. Avoidance only reinforces avoidance. How easy it is! But how constricting. Boredom, not depression is the scourge of young people. Don't mistake boredom for depression. Boredom can be remedied. In fact, why not do something new today? Go around the block if you haven't been out. Start small. Cook dinner for your family! Take a ride. One of my clients tried a new coffee place every day during quarantine. It's his only daily adventure! Get off your phones. Try online learning. Although I haven't been too happy doing Yoga online, get outside and take a stretch. Move around. Yes the body holds the stress, the mind perpetuates it. Take a break! Really. It can't hurt.

This past week, with the assault on Israel's way of life, will change the course of history.  A millennium old conflict will now be insured for another generation of pain and suffering.  We grieve for all humanity. Nobody wants innocent people to be murdered in their own homes.  Every Jew on the planet now feels a little less secure.  It's real.  It's inter-generational TRAUMA.  Make no mistake about that.  We carry it in the cells of our bodies and we will never forget. Half of my Jewish friends and colleagues want Israel (and USA) to level Hamas to the ground.  Why shouldn't we want to eliminate terror?  Think Bin Laden.  But the other half want not to kill thousands of poor, oppressed, regular Palestinians.  We can ask why their Muslim brethren never want to help them. But it will be moot.  Throughout history the Jews have been persecuted yet held to a higher standard. People are making this far too black and white.  The long arm of history will tell you that everyone lays claim to the hallowed ground that is Jerusalem, the cradle of civilization.  And if someone came and shot your child at a peace concert, you can be sure you would want to blow his head off.  But meeting might with might is never the answer. We know it just perpetuates fear. I was heartened to see old friends from my trip to Israel in 1983 together again, trying to assist the families whose children are taken hostage.  I am comforted that my friend, the President of her small temple, is fielding the factions of dissent among her congregation.  I am humbled that my daughters participated in modest ways toward loving peace through words and language and not hate.  Nobody is saying that revenge will work as a long term strategy.  But Hamas is a terrorist group whose only goal is to eliminate Israel.  Why shouldn't Israel protect itself?  Its very existence? These are complicated times. You can love America and hate Trump. You can love Haaretz but hate Netanyahu. Contradictions are everywhere as the world becomes more polarized.  As the polarizers take no accountability and think they're above the law.  These disrupters, (I blame Trump) want nothing but their own self-aggrandizement.  How tragic for us all. I saw this field in my town, named for the good witch, Billie Burke, from the Wizard of Oz.  The sun was setting and children were carefree, playing ball, without the burdens of the outside world. What freedom we have!  Let's pray that extremism doesn't find its way here.

Welcome to my hometown where the breathtaking views of the Hudson only caution the inability to dip in. Life requires self-discipline and consistency. Show up for yourself. I have been telling my clients for years to be on the lookout for your true self and make the commitment. I walk into the deli; in comes one of my very first clients. She screams, "Donna, you saved my life!" and proceeds to buy me a turkey sandwich and tells me that a teenager she referred to me is doing incredibly well!!  (A kid who not long ago couldn't leave her room). What more could I ask for? But am I an egomaniac? I little bit don't believe her. I don't deserve the projection of her progress, her readiness, her motivation. Imposter? What is she referring to that I did for her? Provided space, support? Big Whoop. I witnessed, I cared, I guided, and challenged. The rest is so entirely hard to put into words. The experience changes you. You learn to care about yourself but not be a narcissist. Therapy lets you tolerate your pain, be objective, and cry. Or in my case, stop the rumination and pivot. My patients worry that they're "not enough" - that means someone abandoned them. You're not good enough for someone to stay. I have patients who won't show up to work, or drink themselves to death's door, or lost someone to suicide or had such a chaotic childhood there's no surface from which to repair. You can't shut down one aspect without shutting down all - that's trauma. There's no such thing as selective shutting. Anxiety eats away at you. I started shaking the other day when I had to change my health insurance. This country is maddening: no socialism!!  But give me my Medicare!  We learn to be like animals - sell yourself to the capitalist beast; but it's never enough. When I go to other cities I remind myself that parking is not the Hunger Games. We are conditioned to be cogs in the moneyed wheel but we can't get out of the middle class. We smolder there while kids of the privileged squander all with abandon - no repercussions. Why is everything so hard? Anxiety because it's too far to fall.  Anxiety because it's too hard to reach. I look at the stacks and stacks of books that my father collected, then my husband. All the love I had for those babies is now reflected back to me as: heaviness and mold. My father wanted to make it, he almost had us all fooled. Something about an American Dream, the youngest executive to grace publishing. The clippings, the Mad Men, the parties. But you can only lie to yourself for so long. If you don't make changes, nothing changes. Life of the party. Life of dreams. Heaviness and mold. I eat the sandwich that my former patient bought for me. The warm wonderful feeling is so good, then it's gone. I pause. It's my job...

I want to fly like an eagle... Songs of the 70s. We are getting old.  Some of my classmates have already passed on.  I am nearing the age when my mother died.  Part of me wants to cry and tell you: don't hold onto anyone - it doesn't last.  Friends, neighbors change, kids develop, grow, this is what's supposed to happen.  But how can it happen?  Do we all need psychedelic mushrooms to realize that time is but an illusion?  Should we go to outer space?  See how small we are?  Does religion give us just enough ritual to distract from our fates?  How is it we have to watch our parents die slowly/quickly - those with brains so strong, they forgot who they are; those with bodies so intrepid they cannot stand alone?  Why does this life take us from everything to nothing?  How did I lose a mother so young?  A father who nestled into my brain's real-estate for 40 plus years of abandonment (over and over)?  How could this be MY story? The sages say leave the past. How do we do this on a daily basis? How do we remember and forget at the same time? What happened between getting the kids ready for pre-school and getting them ready for grad-school? Where did I go?  Does it matter? There's a shred of me left: tennis to pickleball, writing diaries to writing blogs, keeping age-old friends- losing some, love of books to where are my glasses, love of people to complete silence.  Embrace, sustain, sacrifice, all pieces of parenthood, fragments of a rich life, nostalgia and suffering, sorrows upon sorrows.  A pink peony. A sick dog.  Asking for help.  Preparing for adventure - hiding from pain.  How we cope now defines our daily lives.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Try to stay open to the little things.  Try to tackle the big ones.  But don't burn yourself out trying.  Should I contemplate my next move in a decades long battle to flex and stay relevant, or should I do the dishes?  Thank God for routines, self-discipline, freedom and longing, tides come in and out.  "Let creation reveal its secrets by and by" -- (Jackson Browne - Before the Deluge).

I find myself thinking on death.  So many deaths around me, us.  So much loss and pain.  Your best friend's mother. Your other friend's ex-husband, cancer, parents, children, guns.  It's all too much.  How is it that the will of the people has been silenced by the RIGHT?  The Supreme Court is far more frightening than a drag show. And back-ally abortions are so retro.  Please can't we find our humanity?  Soon you won't be able to sell girl scout cookies if you're a person of color.  Soon women will be reduced to silence.  I recall my mother handing me "The Handmaid's Tale" and saying, it could happen you know.  Just like that.  Just like Nazi Germany says my husband of 30 years.  What kind of dystopia is this?  It's actually worse than I thought.  Last night on the news it was more than I could take.  They actually made the analogy of hate speech to concentration camps.  Here we are. I have kids coming in from age 12 and up.  They are worried about their "triggers."  One kid said she was triggered, by me, when I said she seemed like a nice normal teenager.  Not cool.  Another rejected therapy saying she needed more structure.  When asked what, she couldn't say.  I am starting to feel more scared.  Not anxious - scared.  During the pandemic I put my head down and worked.  Worked through my own losses.  Worked with others and theirs.  Taught myself about TRAUMA and even met the esteemed Bessel van der Kolk.  I learned many things and gave a class on "Yoga for Anxiety" at my local community center.  I left my comfort zone to comfort others.  I helped a woman who's family member was murdered.  But there's a limit to this re-traumatization for all of us.  Things are not going well.  Even the late night comedians are shocked by the things they riff on.  Students accusing teachers, girls accusing boys, everyone on the defensive.  I had to google what the "Thin Blue Line" Flag meant on my neighbor's yard. Yesterday - a first - an 11 year old client told me her entire scenario if there were to be a school shooter. 11.  She would not cluster together with her friends; she would climb atop a cabinet and hide.  I sure as hell never ever thought of school this way.  School was my sanctuary.  School should be your sanctuary. It doesn't make sense to me to counsel people to avoid school.  But rightfully parents are fearful.  Can we move time back, eliminate social media, try to fix authoritarianism and racism and sexism? Not in a single therapy session we can't.  We can only provide comfort to the aggrieved.  But the aggrieved keep coming in droves. I do blame Trump, although my kids say that's too facile.  He simply lit the match - the hate was already there. But now there's no putting it away.  Seems like polarity will split us into two countries.  Who will suffer? The hardworking people in middle class, poverty, refugees etc.  Same old story.  Greed is Good. Capitalizism run amock.  It's time to fix our broken healthcare system.  A "Marshall Plan" for quality medical care.  A plan so that you don't have to keep your crappy day job when you have cancer.  A plan to pay your bills or work from home or attend your child's little league game after work.  A plan to build community, to help the underserved, the children of the future.  The children, the ones getting shot at every day, they are the future.  Do you get it yet?