The year we spent in China was life-altering.  We learned to rely on each other in very specific ways, my husband for his stature (holding doors for me as the throng of Chinese pressed us forward), and me for a few musical talents (singing the language was paramount).  We zigged and zagged and became stronger for it.  The yin/yang of our marriage carried us through many a rough patch, and continues to provide some emotional safety in the balance of years.  But what if my story was different.  A parallel universe in which I made different choices and relied on different rules.  Narratives in therapy mean a lot.  It gives us the opportunity to re-write our histories, and offer ourselves a little grace for the wrong turns.  Because our memories somehow favor novelty, bad things seem to envelope us more than ordinary goodness. It's the big things that seem to define us, but the little things matter too. What if as the child of a Publisher I went on to work in the world of books and new media (which I did for a time), became an editor, met someone placid and benign.  We would buy a house with a white picket fence, produce 2.5 kids and a dog, then do all the right moves as we aged in place.  I would have worked out my abandonment (by my narcissistic father) issues earlier and taken fewer risks, spent time with the kids, gone on more vacations, and had nicer knives.  Instead, because of my husband's creative and entrepreneurial spirit, and his derailing spinal fusion surgery, however, we mostly did not afford those kinds of luxuries.  There were many ups and downs, such as the devastating loss of my mother to cancer at the age of 63, and I had to reinvent myself again and again to stay afloat.  Instead of telling myself it's better that my mom didn't see 9/11 or Oct. 7th or a tragic family loss - I tell myself: it's not better when you lose the one and only person in your corner.   I leaned into what I was good at.   Then came the pandemic.  Never before was I so in demand as an experienced therapist to teens and young adults.  Like Lisa DaMour, I counseled hundreds of young girls to gain more motivation and resiliency.  It worked!  I developed a style that was relatable, not preachy or condescending, but encouraging and calm.  Not knowing what to call this, I simply became the nice lady who had a busy practice and was gaining traction.  My husband claims he encouraged me to do it, even when I doubted myself.  I kept changing with the changing landscape.  I joined every panel and peer group.  I was good with computers (not so good with paper).  I also grasped a whole new level when I started educating myself about trauma. I'm worried about aging out of relevance.  As a cusp Boomer, I am getting closer to the time when things wind down.  But what else would I do now?  Yes more travel, more pickleball.  More time with friends. Less time glued to screens.  But until I really know when to stop, I just keep swimming.  My story isn't finished.  I can still be a success. I can still write the final chapter. Our kids exceeded all expectations.  I am grateful for my husband's faith in my abilities.  He saw it when I couldn't. I always say to him, you're the smart one, figure it out!  For some reason, now, it comes down to me.  I have to figure it out. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, depression, trauma, anxiety and panic, particularly in my early 20s.  Yet perhaps I did something right.  It's never too late to shine.  Happy Year of the Wood Dragon. 新年快乐 Xīnnián kuàilè

I read the following passage from a colleague: My research has gotten me thinking about how burnout has shown up in my own life, and in those of my colleagues. One definition felt particularly useful in helping me to discriminate between stress and burnout - “stress is having too much. Too many tasks, too many working hours, too many responsibilities. Burnout is having too little. Too little energy, too little motivation, too little care for the work you do.” As a clinician, I can absolutely relate to the experiences of “too much” that are associated with stress- too many back-to-back sessions, unsigned notes, phone calls to be returned. However, this kind of stress - even chronic stress - does not necessarily lead to burnout.      During the pandemic I really had myself fooled.  Because I never got Covid until Winter 2023, I thought I had special powers.  I was in high demand from a young adult and teen population that I never dreamed would need my particular services.  Leaning into it, I thought, I finally made the grade.  It turns out I was only feeding a very hungry tiger (Tiger is my Chinese zodiac - as well as my daughter's).  The tiger wanted more and more of what I was good at: giving, supporting and nurturing.  So why not do more?  Also note it was only the second time in my life I made a decent wage other than my stint in the Internet world (dot-com bubble we called it).  Then that burst.  I found myself in an enviable position: turning away work faster than I was getting it.  As the demand increased even more, I just went on -- what else was there to do? At last I had found my groove only there was one piece missing - me!  So cheesy, I know.  Self-care was for others.  My advise was stale as yesterday's bread.  So what I trained to become a Yoga teacher.  So what I got a certificate in Trauma Studies.  Or as my therapist would tell me, "having more patients doesn't make you a better therapist."  I soldiered on.   Now it was post-pandemic and I hadn't made any changes, au contraire, I had adopted a robotic way of life, relying heavily on routines until I couldn't bear it any longer.  I invented small trips, even errands, to get out of the house.  I took up pickleball.  At my age, things are starting to ache more.  So this felt like a grand effort.  For every pickleball match I would need a day off to rest my quadriceps.  Who knows if my legs hurt because of a statin (I was told), or due to some unforeseen aging process?  Because my husband has had years of chronic pain issues, I was in utter oblivion about my own slog toward old age.  Wake up calls started coming.  Sleeplessness, anger, irritability, resentment, and just plain worry.  My anxiety (especially around driving) went through the roof.  My friends started saying, you're always working.  But the real wake up came when my clients started asking, don't you ever take a vacation?!  Summer, I said.  In Summer I most definitely will.  But how does Summer help me now, in darkest February? Putting off my own self-care, not recognizing even the need, denying my own burn-out got me to a place of constant low-grade dissatisfaction.  My friends were traveling whilst I was still working on this ever-present, long-ass, never-ending to-do list.  My kids said, Mom, your whole life is one long to-do list.  I even told my therapist I needed a break, as I was sick of my own complaints.  So self-care is more than a manicure.  It's making difficult changes right now.  Changing your work hours, taking on new challenges (in my case, more Supervision, fewer Client Hours).  And personal changes too - not just getting my butt to the gym but taking time off, connecting with old friends, even dedicating a day to just wander around without a plan.  I found I could only read for spans of 45mins - the length of a session!  I found when on the phone with friends I couldn't form sentences, so tired was I from talking all day.  Finally I decided to up my game, invest in myself, look for ways of getting passive income.  I can go to the beach too!  I can do things too!  No more poor me.  More leaps of faith, which made me more resilient throughout my life.  My life was not what I bargained for.  Whose is?

As Pride Month draws to a close and the nation commemorates various aspects of independence, it prompts a reflective pause to ponder the complexities of our societal fabric. The juxtaposition of celebrating freedom while grappling with the challenges of inclusivity and acceptance can be both poignant and perplexing. The sentiment expressed by colleagues, encapsulated in remarks such as "well, the immigrants are all rapists," serves as a stark reminder of the prevailing attitudes and prejudices that continue to permeate our discourse, including "fake news." All he has to do is state a sing-song meaningless slogan and it amplifies everything as "real." But hate and fear are not what we are. We do not punish women or shoot people accidentally in our driveways. And yet... It beckons us to delve deeper into the collective narrative of our shared history, where the very essence of our identity is intertwined with migration and the pursuit of a better life. The notion of 'us versus them' becomes increasingly blurred when we confront the reality that, at some point in time, we were all immigrants seeking refuge, opportunity, or freedom. This introspective contemplation urges us to confront the inherent contradictions in our beliefs and actions, challenging us to reconcile the ideals of equality and justice with the harsh demons of discrimination, racism and bias. It underscores the imperative of fostering empathy, understanding, and solidarity in a world that is often defined by division and discord. Ultimately, these moments of reflection should serve as a catalyst for dialogue, growth, and transformation. They compel us to confront uncomfortable truths, challenge preconceived notions, and strive towards a more inclusive and compassionate society where the richness of diversity is celebrated, not vilified. I am worried about several things. 1. A proven rapist and dictator's supreme power supremely corrupted by the supreme court. 2. Reproductive rights - especially if the woman was raped or is not prepared for children. 3. Gun control - so that common sense initiatives can finally find their way through the ridiculous loopholes (who needs an assault weapon? Who????). The 2nd amendment was not about everyone being armed so they could shoot up their school. 4. Teen suicide - we sounded the alarm but nothing changed. No new pay or benefits for social workers. 5. Young adult mental health - the phones were good until they weren't. Phones are in their hands at too young an age. Everyone must read Jon Haight's the Anxious Generation to see the startling combined proven impact of phones combined w. anxious fear-based parenting. 6. Millenniums' voting - get out there or things will only get worse! 7. Israel - our only ally in the middle east got a lot of things wrong. But they are required to continuously defend their right to exist. This is exhausting. Cease-fire is essential with a promise to preserve the people's self-determination to live freely. 8. Climate - by studying climate data and trends, scientists can make informed decisions to mitigate the impacts of climate change and ensure a sustainable future for generations to come. We need leadership now. However this anxious time in history plays out, I pray that our children will have a safe world in which to grow up in peace. Not so much Happy 4th, more like let's get a re-boot, STAT.

When I first saw Mork & Mindy I was completely thrilled with his fanciful voices and good-natured laughs; the silly riffs and the tone that showed us that weird was cool. Later with the stand-up and his movies he grabbed my heart because you knew this guy was real. After he accepted some of his demons, his work improved again, and I took it for granted I would always have his spark in my corner. Then one devastating day, a flashbulb moment really, I recall where I was when I heard he took his life. It was perhaps due to a rare dementia that was attacking his electrifying brain. Robin Williams was an absolute laughter machine - raunchy, raw, unbridled and warm. He could be intense too - you could see that. You knew he suffered. Reflecting on his life from a psychological perspective can offer valuable insights into several areas: Mental Health Awareness : Robin Williams struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction. His openness about these issues has helped to destigmatize mental health problems and encouraged more people to seek help. Suicide : Williams' tragic death by suicide in 2014 further highlighted the importance of mental health care and the often-hidden battles individuals face. The Role of Humor : Williams used humor as a tool for connection and coping. His ability to bring joy to others, even when he was struggling, demonstrates the complex role humor can play in emotional regulation and social bonding. The Creative Mind : Williams' extraordinary creativity and improvisational skills offer a fascinating study in the psychology of creativity. His rapid-fire wit and ability to inhabit different characters speak to the cognitive processes involved in creative thinking - he was so quick! Legacy and Influence : The impact of Williams' work on his audience and the entertainment industry speaks to the broader psychological concept of legacy. One only needs to see Mrs. Doubtfire or Garp or Dead Poets to see the depth of his range. One only has to see Birdcage, Good Will Hunting or Good Morning Vietnam to see more of his soulful work. Complexity of the Human Experience : Williams' life reminds us that external success and internal happiness do not always correlate. His experiences underscore the importance of looking beyond the surface and understanding the multifaceted nature of human emotions and experiences. Exploring these themes could provide us with a deeper understanding of the interplay between mental health, creativity, and the human condition, using Robin Williams' life as a poignant case study. As we near the anniversary of his death, let's make a pact to honor our inner voices - all of them.

This is my rap about that: there is always going to be someone with a bazillion times more than you (houses, cars, vacations); and someone who has so much less that he or she lives with 10 other people in a 2 bedroom apartment in Queens.  Income equality is what we should strive for, not envy or greed.  We have no control over how others live.  And you know as well as I do that ALL families have issues (cue: Tolstoy).  It’s normal for parents to bicker or siblings to compete.  Let’s normalize that some people live their lives more out-loud than others.  Pix of exotic vacations in no way correlate with actual happiness.  Many studies have shown that inner peace is the best place to cultivate balance and equanimity, not outer showmanship.  Schadenfreude ( pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune ), a crazy word meaning wishing someone ill, is probably not good for our spiritual growth.  But I have certainly had the thought, Why doesn’t it rain on her  vacation -- instead of mine for a change??!!  Give yourself a break for being human.  Envy is a hu man emotion that most people experience at some point. “It's characterized by feelings of discontent, longing, or covetousness towards someone else's advantages, achievements, possessions, or qualities. For example, you might feel envy if you see someone get promoted, win an award, or have a beautiful holiday” ( https://www.vox.com/even-better/23292282/harness-envy-jealousy-motivation ).  You can try to motivate   yourself  for these experiences, and plan something for yourself that’s unusual or on your bucket list. The envy might be more likely about a friend doing things that align with what you want to do. It presses that button. I like to post on social media as a kind of journal of my life, rather than showing off. But FOMO is hurtful for girls especially and there are legitimate reasons behind that. We are always comparing, and girls are on their phones around twice as much as boys.  So the missing out can sting when it’s right in your face. One of my clients was excluded from her “after-prom” by her core friend group. How awful is that? Wish them well and focus on the things you can change. I have taken some big risks to be happy. You can too.

I have heard that teens feel trapped for many years, so there’s nothing new about the “generation gap” conversation. Every generation seems to feel it. However, the pace of change has really hit hard on families. The negative and polarizing amplification of extreme points of view has overtaken the way things used to be — we always yearn for simpler times. In previous generations, it seemed like kids wanted to push the conversation toward the liberal side, while parents remained more conservative. These days, those categories barely register. It’s more to do with HOW to have these conversations, while honoring individual identities and nuanced positions, especially by and for women. I say that the only way to deal with this is to become better listeners, instead of boxing out the voices you don’t like and demonizing them. Both the left and the right in this country, right now, are at a crossroads: to be civil on one side and to be angry as hell on the other. Nothing seems to be going right. The institutional framework itself can barely hold when subject to some radical tests. Large SCOTUS decisions are impactful to a whole generation, and you should be validated for being concerned. Even in my family, where we are all on the same page, there are wildly differing viewpoints on various topics. Family, food, politics — what could go wrong? Well, add drinks to the mix and we’re liable to go down a slippery slope. Another great way to channel your passion about the world is to get active. For example, if you’re concerned about social injustice, you could work for better legislation, donate to charities, or volunteer your time with organizations that align with your beliefs. It’s been an exhausting couple of years. Everyone has to pause and take a breath. We need to try to understand, persuade, and stay calm — not turn to violence and vitriol. MORE: Nothing could be more real than feeling insecure in your 20s. If you can believe this, I have been coaching 20-somethings for decades to try and fail. Floundering in your 20s is good!! I hope you fall flat on your face!! Not always, not often, but once in a while. Why would I say that? According to my favorite 20-Somethings motivator, Psychologist Meg Jay, ( “The Defining Decade” ), all the learning and growth takes place in those spaces of fear, uncertainty, and avoidance. Once you dive into your life, it’s OK to make a wrong turn, course correct, and understand who you really are —your likes and dislikes, your moods, your anxieties— and then watch the flower bloom. The bloom comes from the roots. The self-knowledge that you gain from experience is unmatchable. Hiding in your room and doing nothing — that’s the dangerous path. Meg Jay goes on to say that your 20s are not a “throwaway” decade — they matter! One reason I work with young adults is that I too struggled in my 20s, made poor choices, and shocker — even changed my major. That’s why travel is good for the young; you get out there and see, smell, and taste the world that is more complex than you know yet. Of course, you won’t be the most confident one at work. That’s why we have internships, mentorships, and opportunities for learning safely. Lean into all of them! Feedback and rejection can give you much-needed areas to focus on. Maybe you are not positive every second of the day. I have often told young clients “Nobody cares how you feel!” (a weird statement for a therapist to make). Just do your work. Do you think I like to work every single day of my life? NO! But you just keep swimming and after a couple of strong currents, voila, you’re in the lead! To summarize: Self-doubt is normal — allow yourself to feel it. Practice makes perfect — it takes time to gain confidence and experience. There’s no substitute for life experience — trying new things gives you a lot of personal data. Accepting criticism is hard, but it will ultimately make you stronger and more humble. Just keep swimming!

Return shipment must include an appropriate, postage-paid Postal Service label. Item(s) must be mailable according to Postal Service standards. For mailability restrictions, visit https://www.usps.com/ship/shipping-restrictions.htm . Why Include Instructions for the Post Office? My daughter pointed out that I failed to explain crucial life skills during her upbringing. I focused so much on nurturing and loving that I overlooked practical lessons. While my kids turned out alright, I still grapple with the guilt of not doing enough, which can be exhausting. The Empty Nest Experience What Now? Now that my children are grown and gone, I often find myself in a whirlwind of memories, wondering what happened during those formative years. I frequently ask my daughter to recount her childhood experiences—friends, teachers, parties, and disappointments—to help me retain those moments as a personal memoir. Finding New Joys Despite the loss of the daily presence of my children, I've gained time for myself. I can rest, think, breathe, and reconnect with friends. Pickleball, in particular, has revitalized my sense of self. After a 25-year hiatus from tennis, I'm rediscovering movement, strategy, and joy in competition. It’s a reminder that women often lose themselves in the busyness of life, leading to confusion about boundaries. Understanding Boundaries Boundaries vs. Avoidance Boundaries are essential; avoidance is detrimental. For instance, the phrase, "When you do this, it makes me feel that," can establish a boundary. But if we treat everything as a trigger to be avoided, it can lead to isolation and anxiety. The Cycle of Avoidance Retreating to bed for a day can be restorative, but prolonged avoidance can spiral into boredom, anxiety, and even depression. Young women, especially, spend excessive time on their phones, often seeking validation. This behavior can feel akin to anxiously waiting for a college acceptance letter—fretting won't speed up the process. Addressing Missed Connections Opportunities for Growth If you feel that your relationship with your child is lacking, the twenties can be a great time to address those feelings. My daughter has likely figured out many lessons on her own—living, taking risks, and growing from failures. However, those who are too fearful to try new things risk stagnation. Practical Examples I work with clients facing various challenges, such as a young woman whose mother wants her to lose weight. Together, we devised a gradual plan that allows her to feel in control, rather than hiding under the covers. Another client is paralyzed by the fear of repeating past relationship mistakes, constantly monitoring her actions. My advice? Let it go. Trust in the lessons learned. You are already okay! Final Thoughts I often wonder what else I might have failed at as a parent. I’m sure my children will remind me!